Dear Readers,
I know many of you are badgering me because I have gone 11 days without a new post. However, let me remind you that Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was St. Louis, the city that is a beacon of hope for the rest of society. Neither was the World as we know it...that took 6 days and a day of rest on the sabbath. Don't believe me? Ask the bible, and it's not like science has refuted that claim or anything. Also, I was in mourning. The amount of famous people who have died since my last post is eye opening. The King of Pop, the genius behind Oxi Clean, and the original star of Charlie's Angels have all passed away in the past week. I know many of you may be thinking that this comment is simply leading to some inappropriate joke that happens way too soon. Well, you are wrong because Thriller changed my life (even though I only heard it 3 hours ago), oxi clean helps keep my favorite nike apparell clean, and Farrah Fawcett is well...Farrah Fawcett. Kudos to all three of these legends, they will be missed...by many.
Internet History
let me remind all of you that as you're reading this post, your eyes are skimming and glazing through a piece of internet history. And not history like the Vietnam War or M. Night Shamaylan, things that seemed great at first but by now this country would rather have forgotten, but history like Constantine seeing that cross (and turning Christianity into the world's dominant religion...jackpot) or Michael Jordan hitting the game winning shot in the 1982 National Title game. In other words, the kind of history that is the launching pad for greatness, and will change the world in ways that can not yet be comprehended. You are reading something so popular, so devastating charming, so unbelievably well written, so suave and debonair that google could not help but to acknowledge it's existence. That's right, I have reached one of my life long goals and have gotten my blog onto the internet behemoth that is google. If you google "The Sack Artist" my blog will be the 3rd entry on the 1st page...and that's big time. By my calculations you have to have at least 1,000,000 hits on your site to make the first page of google. What are the 2 sites in front of me you ask? Well one is some gay art web page toting Dustin Olson's work titled "Fantastic in the Sack." Mr. Olson is obviously a true artist, and I am honored to share a google page with him and his erotic sculptures and paintings. Next is the urban dictionary page for "The Sack Artist," with just happens to link you to the urban dictionary definition for "brick ass" or "stacks of brick asses," another informative site that helps millions make it rain at their local strip club. My blog has even surpassed former NFL defensive player of the year and Dancing with the Stars contestant Jason Taylor, who has an article calling him "the prodigal sack artist" sitting at 4th...one spot behind me. Sorry Jason, I guess the internet users of the world are starting to listen to Bill Parcells, and quite frankly Jason they are not fans of your selfish ways...and like the Dolphins they might be better off without you.
Nick Swardson and the Sack Artist...a Match Made in Heaven?
My celebrity status continues to rise as paparazzi photographers hide in St. Louis bars with hopes of catching me and my famous friends drinking, living and loving. After kicking it with Stephen Jackson, which I describe in depth in my last post, I have decided to move from sports to entertainment as I continue to gain future Surreal Life cast members as best friends. My new buddy is none other then Mr. Nick Swardson, who is best known for roles in classic comedies like Grandma's Boy, Chuck & Larry and Don't Mess With the Zohan, and for his daily routine of snorting all the cocaine in the f'in world (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQUUqF9NESo). Here is my minute by minute account of the best night in my entire life
6:45 P.M.-Crack open a Bud Select, which happens to only contain 99 calories. This makes it more healthy and a better form of hydration then water
7:35 P.M.-6 Bud Selects deep as I watch Troy Bolton lead the East High Wildcats to a state title and land the lead in the Winter Musical...he is the best basketball/musician combo since Shaq released his sophomore album "Shaq Fu: Da Return."
8:18 P.M.-I have finished my 20 pack of Bud Selects as Disney Channel moves to its dance along version of High School Musical 2...so I settle in on the couch and break into a bottle of vodka
8:43 P.M.-I fall on my face as I attempt to listen to Ashley Tisdale's directions and dance along to "Work This Out" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYcp1QXtjq4)...it's too early to tell if this fall was due to my high level of intoxication, my complete lack of coordination, or my refusal to participate in company singing/dancing while I was selling shoes at Finish Line, leading to my inexperience in this common workplace practice.
9:29 P.M.-My friend Chris Beaty comes over and claims he is too manly to watch this generation's Grease. So what if the movie was made for 10-17 year old girls...Sponge Bob Square Pants was originally made for little kids not 40 year old gay males and Bob Wimmer, but they seem to like it. Open up your heart and your mind Chris
10:26 P.M.-My good friend, and SAI corporate board member, Charlie Schlafly drops me and Chris off at McGurks bar. I am a little nervous because last time I was at McGurks I was kicked out, supposedly for hitting on too many guys. I don't remember the incident that well, but I do know any male, gay or straight, would be flattered to be hit on by a 6'5", 300 lbs. offensive lineman who smelled like a mix of Whiskey and sweat. Also if my love for High School Musical and this "hitting on guys" incident has you questioning my sexuality I have one question for you...what took you so long? I've been questioning it at least since I saw Ryan Reynolds shirtless in Amityville Horror.
11:37 P.M.-There are maybe 10,000 people in this bar and I know none of them. Who should I talk to you...that group of hot, college aged girls giving me the eye at the outside bar? Hah, I know their plan, and if you think you can roofie the Sack Artist and take advantage of him when he's passed out well...well you probably could, I'm not really opposed to it. After Hangover roofies are all the rage
12:09 A.M.-I make friends with a former D3 football player from some school in Iowa, who buys me many shots. I thought this would be my best alcohol-based new friendship of the night...but it turns out it is just batting practice for what's coming up next
1:11 A.M.-Chris and I take a cab to another local St. Louis establishment, Talanayas karoke bar, but we have some trouble. The ride cost $16.75 and neither Chris or I have a dollar to our name. How do I pay? Well you know how things work on the street...just ask Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman. If you don't have money, you can always use your dignity as currency (just ask any teenage girl who begs her extremely wealthy father to buy her a $1,200 Louie Vitton purse). It's too bad I spent all of it and officially now have less dignity then Sam Booman (St. Louis equivalent=Jay Leonard)
1:17 A.M.-I walk into Talanayas and see many high school friends who I am excited to catch up with.
1:21 A.M.-Someone tells me they see Nick Swardson over by the bar. I immediately ditch the boring people who have known me for years to hang out with the international icon. Come on, you like your state school where girls throw themselves at you simply because you are a man who can read, write and walk down the street without making people vomit...I get it. If you think I am the kind of guy who understands loyalty and will never walk out on his longtime friends for fame, money and women...well I guess you are wrong.
1:30 A.M.-I walk up to Nick and tell him he is my hero because he makes people laugh and is a true man who uses unbelievable amounts of drugs simply because it's awesome. I can tell...he is a fan of mine as well.
1:45 A.M.-Nick asks me if I want some shots. I tell him "they don't serve alcohol, but they do have shots...of wheatgrass." Nick responds with, "that's cool...if you want to be sober and vomit." Jokes are just so much funnier when they are unoriginal, instead being direct quotations from semi-financially successful comedies...I always say.
1:58 A.M.-Nick has bought us at least 6 shots, and is showing me pictures from his new movie. While Nick never tells me the name, I am later able to deduce (via wikipedia) that the pictures are from the set Born to be a Star, in which Nick plays a porn star. If anyone is cool enough to act like Ron Jeremy and have unemotional sex with super hot chicks, while making incredible eye contact with each of the 10 cameras shooting his every move...it's Nick Swardson.
2:09 A.M.-Nick tells me his best friend is Adam Sandler. I tell him I am good friends with Joe Davis...the former quarterback at Beloit College. He is more impressed with my famous friend then I am with his...no big deal.
2:14 A.M.-Nick confesses that he really is afraid of the sun like his character in Benchwarmers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFr2mLg-aTI). Fortunately I am able to replace the light bulbs in the many disco balls around the bar with solar powered sun light. As soon as the sun light is turned on Nick runs into the bathroom screaming.
2:21 A.M.-Nick comes out of the bathroom and says he will go down on me for $9 and a shot of tequilia. I am about to turn him down when he calls "no homo," which means it's cool because it's not gay. He is pretty good...I guess he has had a lot of practice after playing Terry, the gay prostitute on Reno 911 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnbUurXo2hA)
2:25 A.M.-Nick and I take the karaoke stage and do our best rendition of ebony and ivory...Nick takes the part of ebony because his character in Malibu's Most Wanted thought he was black (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSxb91dT_BI).
2:32 A.M.-Nick tells me he is getting wasted because he hates his day job...waiting tables at the new chain resturant "I F'ing Hate Mondays." Guess the service isn't too good...check out their commercial (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/eab643de2f/ifh-mondays-from-nicholaus-goossen-nick-swardson-and-david-spade)
2:38 A.M.-Nick asks me if I do stand up...I told him I have made a total of 2 jokes in public, one of which was so unfunny even Joe Davis' dad was able to successfully tear it apart in front of a live audience. As Nick is leaving I ask him for his email, and he tells me it's fyou@hotmail.com. I guess we really are friends
2:39 A.M.-I black out
10:16 A.M.-I wake up in my bed with no memory of anything that happened after Nick left...including getting home. Did I get roofied? Probably, as I stated earlier Hangover has made roofies popular again. Roofie sales are up 120% since the movie came out. People even want to get roofied so they can forget everything from the night before during which them/their friends married a stripper, pulled out their own tooth, stole Mike Tyson's tiger, kidnapped a 5'1" gay Asian man, snorted cocaine with Carrot Top and got a bj from an elderly latino woman. Movies can make anything cool I guess.
Text Update and Big Ups
My current text score is +74 (56-inbox, 41 sent, 6 texts from females, 3 unresponded texts...all from the same person clearly bent on making me look like a giant douche). My facebook popularity score is not doing very well either. When I get bored I tend to facebook chat people in hopes of striking up a conversation that I will drag on until I am good and ready to let it end. If I facebook chat you, you better be ready to invest 3-4 hours and much of your intellectual capacity towards the conversation. Instead people have been choosing to ignore my facebook chats...like they have something better to do with their time.
Big Ups has to go to Nick Swardson for making my life and hopefully reading my blog when I email it to him. Also I have to congratulate three new employees of Sack Artist International
President of Employee Pensions/Funding of Casino Trips: Paddy Hadican
Director of Media Relations/PA announcer for SAI Cafeteria: Joe Davis
Director of Employee Insurance Plans: Adam Puls
Back next time with the beginning of "The Sack Artist sees America" series and some delicious ocean dwelling scrimps.
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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