Dear Readers,
Since our last encounter I have witnessed something that will change my entire way of thinking and I hope you have too. Inception has changed my life, and if you have yet to observe it in all of its wonderous glory I suggest you go check it out at your local cinema immedieatly...and skip the rest of my introduction. It's not too often that a film piece will actually make me think. Sure 3 Ninjas rocked my world and had me wondering how that Asian guy from Karate kid had a completely white daughter and 3 lilly white grandchildren. But this is different. Inception has made me question my own understanding of reality. What is real? What's a dream? Has Leonardo DiCaprio really transformed from a young teenager with some form of mental retardation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6sLIP3908w) into the master of mentally devastating movies that are impossible to understand (Shutter Island now this...I am in a dream)? Who knows, but I remember all my dreams now. Every morning I wake up in a cold sweat still thinking I am in the middle of a dream where I just lost a race to Albert Haynesworth...what the hell does that mean? And have I ever really reached reality? I don't have a totem, so who the hell knows. But I do know this, if I am in someone else's dream, that they have me wearing the same pair of Nike basketball shorts an awful lot. There is no variety in my clothing...so switch it up man. Anyways dreamer, if you are after my idea for a Lifetime original movie starring Zac Efron as a 1920's male prostitute who sings showtunes while he's getting down with the ladies, then you're too late...cause I just told all 7 of my readers about it. So Sack 1, Guy whose dream I'm stuck in 0. So...can I wake up now?
Sack's Michael Jordan B-Day
This past Saturday I celebrated my 23rd birthday and hit the town with three of my best buddies. It was one of those nights where you are borderline blacked out and don't really think anything too crazy is happening. However, as I awoke on Sunday morning reality set in (If what happened was in fact reality), and as I slowly recollected the night before I began to understand just how hilarious it really was. Here is my good old fashioned journal entry for Saturday night-early Sunday morning.
4:15 P.M.-My good buddy Jimmy shows up at my house in a Pink St. Louis University Field Hockey shirt and hands me an anniversary card and a Big Gulp cup filled with Twilight trading cards and one of those giant dill pickles wrapped in plastic. Better then Christmas morning in my book.
4:27 P.M.-Jim and I are watching Hot Tub Time Machine to pass some time. The last time I saw this movie I was absolutely hammered in the Beloit Movie Theater and insisted I had this idea for a movie back in 2004 and someone had stolen it. Now I realize it was John Cusak snooping around in my dreams to revive his career. John...you son of a bitch.
4:31 P.M.-For some reason all the actors in Hot Tub Time Machine keep whispering "great white buffalo" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Sxxibos-I)...looks like Jimmy and I have our annoying catch phrase for the night.
7:48 P.M.-We are getting ready to go out to Dinner and Jim wears an all-white linen suit. Nice upgrade from that pink field hockey t-shirt he was rocking.
8:13 P.M.-I am out to dinner with Jimmy, my parents and two of my other good friends who are both named Joey (henceforth one will be referred to as Joey, the other will be called Scherer). The waiter asks me if I want to start with an ice water. I stare at him angrily determined to show him that even though I am 23, I can still party harder then ever. He brings me back a beer.
10:16 P.M.-By this time we are all sitting on my porch chugging Jim Beam and Smirnoff vodka. Well everyone besides my parents...my dad has 3 days worth of Law and Order reruns to catch up on saved to the old DVR. Man in about 30 birthdays my life really won't be that much fun.
11:41 P.M.-We each take one more chug from the liquor bottles before heading out to the bars. As we cheers on our shots we all let out a high pitch shriek that sounds like either a Aviatar war cry (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zyWnX1ccOQ) or a Velociraptor hunting call (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWGXwbeE4qU&p=0B984C1332155569&playnext=1&index=44). Looks like we all have our obnxious random yell for the night.
12:02 A.M.-We arrive at the Dubliner bar in downtown St. Louis. The bouncer examining my ID at the front door doesn't even mention it's my birthday...what a dick. Then I look at my phone and realize that it's after midnight and not really my birthday anymore. Well there goes the one day a of the year that I have friends.
12:31 A.M.-Me and Scherer are finishing our 6th round of shots when some random chick walks up to us and starts chatting. As we are talking she notices the bar stool next to her and announces that she is going to try and jump onto it. This bar stool is pretty high, maybe coming up to my waist, and I instantly know this is a terrible idea...so naturally I encourage the young lady to give it a try. She heeds my advice and does a two-feet jump onto the stool like it's a plyo box. She sticks the landing, but as she tries to stand up on the stool she loses her footing and starts to wobble. Scherer and I stand watching and laughing as three other dudes around her attempt to catch her before she falls...and fail. She hit the ground...hard. Luckily when she got up she thought it was as hilarious as we did.
12:37 A.M.-We all do another round of shots, yelling out our Aviatar cry the whole way. Everyone in the bar is staring at us.
12:42 A.M.-Scherer and I are standing behind two chicks ordering drinks at the bar. As they are finishing ordering Scherer slyly adds "and a whiskey and coke." As the bartender walks away the two chicks turn to us and say something along the lines of "what, is that your pick up line?" To which Scherer replies "no thanks...that's just my drinking line" as the bartender hands him his drink and he runs away. These chicks look at me like they are going to kill me, but if anything I should be mad at them, I mean they didn't even buy me a drink on my birthday...come on.
12:49 A.M.-Another shot, another Aviatar yell...more staring
12:56 A.M.-Joey and I are drinking and talking when a couple of ladies walk up to us. Of course I end up talking to the better looking one. As we are discussing the upcoming Julia Roberts film Eat Pray Love I turn and look back at Joey...who is going at it with the worse looking chick. I mean lips are locked, tounges are flying and nobody is coming up for air. The girl I am talking to ditches me to go join in. Just as Joey is inviting both of them out to his parents house in the suburbs for some skinny dipping I walk away...no one notices.
12:59 A.M.-I hook back up with Scherer who is guzzling his whiskey while some girl is talking him up. He clearly isn't interested and needs an out...I refuse to help. He is getting desperate just as he decides to go hard core and starts calling the girl "Snookie." I don't think I have ever seen anyone so offended...ever. I mean I am no Richard Nixon fan, but if someone called me "Dick" I wouldn't get all pissy. Congrats Snook, you have become famous and calling someone your name is the worse insult that can be levied against them. "Snookie" is now the most offensive word in the English language.
1:04 A.M.-We all do another round of shots and let out our 10th Aviatar yell. Some kid, who is clearly fed up by the constant shrieking that has been filling his eardrums for the past hour shouts "Hey Shut up." I walk right up to him and starting shrieking in his face. He leaves the bar. Best game I've spit all night.
1:08 A.M.-The group walks over to the balcony on the 2nd level of the bar. Just as we are watching the action going on downstairs some girl walks by our balcony spot and takes her shoes off, then stumbles to the nearby bathroom. We are all staring at the pair of white heels, when Scherer picks one of the shoes up and drops it off the balcony. It lands in a small crevace between a refrigerator and the wall, probably never to be found. We leave the other shoe sitting in its spot and walk away unnoticed. All I can think is how much worse it is to have one of your shoes stolen then two...that girl will always wonder what happened to that shoe, and why the other one went untouched.
1:22 A.M.-I stumble out of the 2nd floor bathroom and am walking down the stairs to meet my friends. Some chicks is also walking down the stairs and decides it would be smart to slide down the staris' railing. As she as she stars to slide she freaks out, leans to her right, and falls off the railing. Why are so many dumb chicks attempting crazy stunts and eating it around me tonight? Some people just can't handle my birthday...just like it's a Vegas bachelor party.
1:23 A.M.-I walk down the stairs to see some 30 year old chick sitting at a table with her friends...while at the same time getting a double trouble lap dance from Joey and Scherer. They are both rubbing their butts in her face when I start watching...and the chicks is loving it.
1:24 A.M.-Jimmy and I walk up to Scherer and Joey and tell them we are getting one more round of shots before we head out. They don't notice us. We start whispering "great white buffalo, great white buffalo." The chick whose face is currently in a butthole sandwich asks us why we keep saying that...I ask her why she wants to have a three way with two dudes who are both named Joey? She gets up and storms off extremely embarrassed. 2nd best game I've spit all night.
1:31 A.M.-We down our shots and our heading out of the door when we realize we have no money for the cab. Jimmy and I are about to head to the ATM when Joey says he's got it covered.
1:42 A.M.-The cab arrives at Harry's, our second bar of the night. Everyone besides Joey gets out...and he's furious that he has to pay for the cab. He tells me he is going to negotiate with the cabbie. What happened in the cab after that...you be the judge.
1:44 A.M.-I am walking into the bar when the bouncer tells me there is a $10 cover. I tell him it's my birthday, and ask him how much the cover is now...he tells me $10. There goes my budget for the night.
1:57 A.M.-Jimmy and I sneak into the VIP section. Harry's is the kind of bar where 30 year old business executives buy cranberry vodkas for 19 year old college co-eds with fake IDs, invite them into the VIP section and get turned down Ben Roethlisberger style (hopefully their manners are better) once the bar is closed and the free drinks end. And we get a front row ticket to all of this...well except the Roethlisberger stuff.
2:52 A.M.-We are getting kicked out of Harry's and we have a decision to make. In the St. Louis are there are only 2 places that are opened past 3 A.M. the casino or...the East side. We opt for the latter, and ask the cabbie to turn all our cash into $1 bills.
3:02 A.M.-We are in a cab crossing the Mississippi River into Illinois and the great metropolis of East St. Louis. We are riding in a van cab with me in the front seat, Jimmy and Joey in the middle row and Scherer sitting by himself all the way in the back. Apparently (I didn't find out about this till later) Scherer had to piss so bad that he just couldn't hold it. Scherer, not wanting to get uro misestous poisoning (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG6b7KJ1Ah0), decides he has to piss somewhere. So he lifts open the lid of the covered compartment near his seat (common in minivans, all the way in the back row next to the cup holders) and fills that bad boy up with his receyled whiskey (otherwise known as urine). No one knows this till he tells me some 4 or 5 days later.
3:14 A.M.-We arrive in East St. Louis at Larry Flint's hustler club. As we get out of the cab we notice a homeless man passed out drunk right next to the front door. This is what East St. Louie is all about...and I love it.
3:15 A.M.-We are walking in the front door when a Illinois state ranger comes up to us and informs us that we are too intoxicated and cannot enter the premise. Come on dude it's a strip club. It's Saturday night. It's after 3 in the morning. And we are in East St. Louis. Who isn't intoxicated at this point? I know those passed out, homeless bums are...I just stepped on them and they didn't even flinch.
3:19 A.M.-We go down the road to the Hollywood Club. We walk in the front door and learn there's a $10 cover. We all are paying, but Jimmy doesn't have any money and we all refuse to spot him. Jimmy tells the doorman that he will pay him tomorrow and just walks in.
3:21 A.M.-I understand why the club is so crowded...it's $7 beer night. This bud light I bought must be worth its wait in gold. Scherer asks the bartender for a glass of ice water and she tells him that will be $7. Long story short he threatens her with a class action suit if she makes him pay for his water...and he still goes thirsty.
3:54 A.M.-Joey is making it rain dropping $1 bills all over the club. I think Scherer passed out somewhere, hopefully for him in the private dance room. I can't find Jimmy anywhere. I am all alone and the Naked women are scaring me.
4:19 A.M.-I find Jimmy and he tells me quite an interesting story. About a half an hour earlier he decided he wanted to go home and thought walking the 10 miles across the Mississippi River to his apartment in the great state of Missouri was a good idea. He left the Hollywood Club and walked through a cornfield, where the husks destroyed his white linen suit. He somehow got out of the cornfield and ended up in the parking lot of Larry Flint's Hustler club, where we were previously denied entry. This time Jimmy snuck his way in, didn't pay his cover (once again telling the doorman he would pay him tomorrow) and had a drink in the club, only to be discovered by the state trooper that had kicked us out earlier. The trooper threw Jim out of the club and Jim hailed a cab and told the cabbie to take him home. However, as the cabbie was driving by the Hollywood Club Jimmy told him that he didn't have any money and he got thrown out of the cab ending up back in the strip club he had escaped earlier. Think this story is long, boring and tedious...well you're right. Had to be there I guess.
4:53 A.M.-Joey is still throwing money around all over the club when one of the dancers he's been wooing decides to take another guy back to the private dance room. Joey is instantly infuriated by this and proceeds to enter the private dance area while the stripper is giving her dance and pull her off the other dude's lap and out of the room. The next 5 minutes are some of the funniest of my life. The stripper is so pissed she is screaming right in Joey's face as Jimmy tries to calm her down. The stripper's client, some 65 year old farmer who is wearing overalls and weighs at least 300 lbs., is scared shitless thinking Joey is either the girl's psychotic boy friend or some religious crusader trying to show the stripper the light. Security is everywhere trying to get us out of the club, telling me and Scherer we better get our "tall friend" out of here before things turn physical. The doorman is yelling at Jimmy for not paying his cover (two separate times), while Jimmy tells him he'll "pay tomorrow" once again. This may be the best birthday of me life.
5:12 A.M.-We are waiting in the club parking lot looking for a cab. We have no money. No cabs take credit cards. It isn't safe to be standing outside in East St. Louis for this long.
5:24 A.M.-We are riding in the cab back home. I am sitting in the front seat when I hear some gagging from the back. I look back and see Joey puking all over the floor of the back seat of the cab. The cabbie doesn't say anything.
5:29 A.M.-We are in my neighborhood driving to my house. The cabbie decides to run each and every stop sign in order to get these drunk morons out of his cab as fast as he can. We pull up to my house and pay with a credit card.
5:42 A.M.-I lay in my bed and fall asleep. My birthday is now offically over. Thank God.
Big Ups and Text Updates
The first, and most obvious, big ups I would like to extend are to Jimmy, Joey and Scherer for helping me set the standard by which all other birthdays will now be measured. I also had several friends who have graduated college and fairly recently either secured or started a new job...so congrats to all of you new grown ups (not like that recently released movie...the worst Adam Sandler has ever made). I would also like to thank anyone and everyone who wished me a happy birthday via facebook, text or phone call. Finally I would love to give a huge big up to new Ram's quarterback Sam Bradford, who conicedentally signed the largest NFL contract in history on my birthday. Sammy we know you will be a star...and I am so damn proud of you. I will now make you my desktop wall paper on my computer.
My text score since my last post is currently sitting at +404 (332-inbox, 310-sent, 50 from females, 2 unresponded) which ain't too bad. My facebook popularity score on the other hand is getting massacred by the lack of replies to comments I make on people's statuses. So if I comment on your status and you just ignore it...that's just not right. Also I have a couple of new facebook games I will playing on various people throughout the next couple of weeks...so watch out.
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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