Dear Readers,
I am back once again, only this time with some troubling news...but first the back story. It all starts with my viewing of the new film sensation The Social Network. If you haven't seen it I suggest you skip to the next section of my post, cancel any plans you have this weekend, and immediately make a trip to your local cinema so you can blask in the glow of those computer nerds and their story that makes everyone else feel stupid and poor. The film revolves around the story of Mark Zuckerberg the creator of facebook...and yes, he is Jewish. I am not telling you about Mark's ethnicity to be bigoted or hateful. I am not trying to imply that he is stingy with his $6.9 billion fortune or that he isn't very good at sports. In fact anyone who knows me knows this...I hate Jewish stereotypes and racial stereotypes of any sort. I am telling you this to illustrate how far Mr. Zuckerberg rose. In the film, the low-light of Mark's social life occurs in a fraternity house called A E Pie, or Harvard's Jewish frat. The frat is throwing a Caribbean themed soiree which looks about as fun as taping a sex video with Lady Gaga. It had to be one of the worst nights of Zuckerberg's night...but also one of the best. It gave him perspective. It made him yearn for more. It allowed him to point out the irony that there was a video of Niagara Falls used for decoration at a Caribbean themed bash. But, most of all, it drove Zuckerberg to succeed. It drove him to create his own media empire.
Mr. Zuckerberg may not have had this life altering experience if it weren't for his Jewish ethnicity. I recently had a similar experience, which I will discuss in the next section, that probably would have never happened if it weren't for my semi-alcoholism and undying passion for heart attack inducing fried food. And, while my life changing night may have been full of enthusiasm and glee instead of pain and suffering like Mark's, it will serve the same purpose. It will drive me to the same level of success. I am in the midst of forming a media empire of my own, one that will change the world the same way Mark Zuckerberg's did. That's why today I had to make a huge sacrifice to fulfill my destiny. I had to join Twitter. I know in previous posts I have derided Twitter, calling Tweets a glorified facebook status update. I understand that I accused Twitter of attempting to ruin my hermit lifestyle and set me up for a lifetime of contempt in the virtual world. I admit that the last thing I want is the 24/7 monitoring of my fairly mediocore life that a Twitter account will bring. But, in the end, it just had to be done. It was the next step on my journey. I had my Mark Zuckerberg/Caribbean themed life changing moment...and now its time to capitalize on it.
Getting Rides From Papa John
Now it's time to tell you all about the moment that will propel my life towards billionaire/movie material status. It occurred, as usual, in Beloit Wisconsin. While I was visiting the old alma mater for Homecoming, I decided to spend a night out drinking on campus. At about 2 A.M. I got really hungry and decided to do something about it. This is my story (insert Law n' Order music)
1:54 A.M.-I am walking into a party at Theta that will end in approximately 6 minutes. As I enter I am handed a condom. Funny side not, I will leave this condom in my shorts and my dad will find it while he is doing the laundry at my house. He will then ask me about it, creating one of the more awkward situations in my life. All because of a condom I had no chance of ever needing to open. So thanks, Theta. I graduate and you are still giving me contraceptive devices as a joke.
1:56 A.M.-I am in a massive dance party that suddenly feels like an awkward 8th grade dance. 4 months ago I would rock these parties harder than anybody, grinding my dick off on every chick within a 20 foot radius. Now I just feel old.
1:57 A.M.-I am clearly not the only person who thinks I am too old to be in this setting. Every person who walks past me is staring at me like I came straight from the nursing home after downing a bottle of Viagara. I look over and see Andrew Heer, who happens to be the exact same age as me. However, Drew came back to school to finish his student teaching this semester, and he is currently grinding on somewhere between 3-5 chicks. Guess he isn't too old for the college chicas.
1:59 A.M.-Start to think that maybe it isn't my age but my general disposition, appearance and attitude towards life that is repelling people away from me. I shrug it off.
2:03 A.M.-I leave the party and run into Tyler Isham. Usually I avoid Isham like the plague, but in my alcohol induced daze I decide it might be a good time to form an alliance with him.
2:04 A.M.-We decide that we are hungry and need food...and the only thing that will satisfy our appetites is Denny's.
2:05 A.M.-Isham and I are desperately looking for someone who can drive us to the Denny's in South Beloit. Unfortunately this is a college campus at 2 A.M. on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so there is a shortage of people who are able to drive us anywhere other then to a painful death at the bottom of a ditch on the Illinois/Wisconsin border.
2:06 A.M.-Carl Anderson offers to drive us. Carl is about 320 lbs. and will gladly risk his life for a short stack of pancakes and 4 sausage links. However, big Carl is also unable to stand at this point...so we look elsewhere.
2:12 A.M.-We see a Palermo's pizza delivery man dropping off some pies on campus. We know this guy might be sober so Isham asks him if he'll give us a ride. He says he will when he comes back for more deliveries. We get excited
2:19 A.M.-We are outside waiting for the Palermos guy to come back when we see a Papa John's delivery man making his rounds. Isham asks him if he will drive us and he looks at us like we are crazy. We then offer him 20 bucks and shockingly...he is in.
2:20 A.M.-We get in the car and the pizza guy starts cranking the loudest, craziest, Slip Knotiest rock music I have ever heard.
2:21 A.M.-The pizza guy is loving life. Isham asks him if this is what he does every night. He responds by saying all he does is "drive around, crank jams, eat pizza and smoke blunts."
2:23 A.M.-We are passing a citgo station where a couple of cop cars are sitting with their lights on. The pizza guy starts freaking out and yells "they've been after me all night! but they're not gonna catch me!"
2:26 A.M.-We pull up at a house where the pizza guy is making his final delivery before taking us to Denny's. We sit in the car for several minutes as a half-naked guy keeps retreating back into his apartment to scrounge up enough cash to get his pizza. I start to wonder if I am drunk or just in a crazy dream. Gooddamnit Inception really did mess up my mind.
2:29 A.M.-We leave the house and start heading towards our destination. Isham asks the guy if he ever has to make deliveries in the bad parts of town, and he says he does. He then says "you know what I do when I got to go to the hood? I turn on this," as he switches tracks on his CD and starts bumping the most ghetto Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg wannabe track you have ever heard. He then reaches into the back seat and grabs some sort of gigantic wooden club and says "this is my protection. One shot with this and they are done." I am now sure I am in a dream.
2:34 A.M.-We are driving on some sort of crazy back roads. I went to school for 4 years in Beloit, and it's not that big of a place. I thought I knew ever inch of that town by heart. But I have no idea where we are. At this point I am pretty positive this guy is going to take my $20 and kill us.
2:36 A.M.-We are driving 75 mph in a 35 mph speed zone. The pizza guy says "I can go as fast as I want. You think they can pull me over? Look at this (he points to the Papa Johns sign on top of his car) you think the cops are going to stop me with that on my car? You think they want cold pizza?" I don't know what's going on here.
2:37 A.M.-We make a swift right turn, still going super fast, and I spill the cup of water I brought with me all over the back seat. My butt gets super wet. It's not very comfortable.
2:40 A.M.-We get to Denny's and the pizza guy demands that I pay him his money now. We tell him we are getting the food to go, but he doesn't care. I give him the Jackson, but am sure he will just leave us trapped with a couple of grand slams in South Beloit.
2:41 A.M.-We order our food. I am not sure what Tyler gets, but I order a Denny's grilled cheese melt. If you don't know what this sandwich is, you need to learn. It is awesome. A grilled cheese stuffed with mozarella sticks...best idea a stoner ever had.
2:43 A.M.-We are sitting in the Denny's lobby, waiting for our food. If you've never been in the Denny's in South Beloit late on a Saturday night I suggest you check it out. They are enough unattractive strippers, hookers and white trash dudes wearing Packers sweatshirts (crew, not hoodies) and cut off jean shorts to wet any sex addict's appetite.
2:45 A.M.-The group that had ordered before us consists of two hideous black chicks and one gigantic black dude. It is clear that they are hookers and he is their pimp. One of the chicks, who is showing way too much skin for a black lady that resembles a young Ray Lewis with a severe addiction to pudding (she's rotund), starts to get infuriated by the wait and demands to leave. The pimp is not happy. Something tells me there is going to be a prostitution scene straight out of The Wire in the Denny's parking lot pretty soon.
2:46 A.M.-The lady told us it would take 15 minutes to get our food and we've only been waiting for 5. That doesn't stop the Papa John's guy from busting into the Denny's and demanding to know what is taking so long. Needless to say you get very embarrassed when a chubby stoner in a Papa John's uniform yells at you in a public place in front of about 50 strangers.
2:49 A.M.-We get our food and head back into the car to return to campus.
2:57 A.M.-We pull up to the Sigma Chi house and get out of the car. There are a bunch of people outside who have no idea why we just went for a drive-along with a pizza delivery guy.
2:58 A.M.-As we are getting out I trip over the cord that attaches the Papa Johns sign on the roof to the car's interior. The sign falls off the roof of the car and crashes into the street. I run as fast as I can into the frat house.
3 A.M.-I get into Isham's room and devour my food before falling into a deep, peaceful slepp. The end.
Big Ups and Text Update
The first, and most controversial, of my big ups has to go to Tyler Isham for his role in my pizza ride along. I know that Isham is not the most loved person in the world, he is really the Toby of the Sigma Chi house now that Andrew Reich has moved on, but he stepped his game up here and he deserves some credit. I would also like to thank anyone and everyone who spent some time with me at homecoming...I would list you but the names are numerous and I am afraid to leave somebody out. I would like to extend a big up to Derek Lovgren for really helping to inspire my interest in twitter (although he has yet to become my follower), Rich Krajewski for being my first twitter follower, and Danny boy Flynn for his tweet encouraging people to follow me and calling me a "twitter all-star." I also got to give a special big up to Nadia because the night before homecoming she asked to be mentioned in the blog and I said she could if she bought all my drinks for the night...and she obliged. Way to go Nadia...you stepped your game up kid. Finally the regular big up goes to my editor n' chief Charlie Schlafly for his diligent work correcting all my typos and grammatical mistakes.
My text score is currently sitting at +743 (536-inbox, 490-sent, 161-from females, 0-textuals) since I got my replacement phone on September 13th, and that's not too shabby for me. My facebook popularity score is also doing fairly well as I've had all kinds of notifications. My twitter game needs to step up although. Although I've only had an active account for about 18 hours I am still sitting at just 8 followers, and that will not get it done.So if you're reading this and are on twitter, have thought about joining twitter or know someone with an account become my follower and special the word about the new media super power I am building...if you don't you are just being selfish. Also I would like to announce that this is my final blog post using my blogspot url address. More on that coming very soon.
Back soon with a media empire update and some cool facts about tailgating in Columbia, MO.
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
I am back once again, only this time with some troubling news...but first the back story. It all starts with my viewing of the new film sensation The Social Network. If you haven't seen it I suggest you skip to the next section of my post, cancel any plans you have this weekend, and immediately make a trip to your local cinema so you can blask in the glow of those computer nerds and their story that makes everyone else feel stupid and poor. The film revolves around the story of Mark Zuckerberg the creator of facebook...and yes, he is Jewish. I am not telling you about Mark's ethnicity to be bigoted or hateful. I am not trying to imply that he is stingy with his $6.9 billion fortune or that he isn't very good at sports. In fact anyone who knows me knows this...I hate Jewish stereotypes and racial stereotypes of any sort. I am telling you this to illustrate how far Mr. Zuckerberg rose. In the film, the low-light of Mark's social life occurs in a fraternity house called A E Pie, or Harvard's Jewish frat. The frat is throwing a Caribbean themed soiree which looks about as fun as taping a sex video with Lady Gaga. It had to be one of the worst nights of Zuckerberg's night...but also one of the best. It gave him perspective. It made him yearn for more. It allowed him to point out the irony that there was a video of Niagara Falls used for decoration at a Caribbean themed bash. But, most of all, it drove Zuckerberg to succeed. It drove him to create his own media empire.
Mr. Zuckerberg may not have had this life altering experience if it weren't for his Jewish ethnicity. I recently had a similar experience, which I will discuss in the next section, that probably would have never happened if it weren't for my semi-alcoholism and undying passion for heart attack inducing fried food. And, while my life changing night may have been full of enthusiasm and glee instead of pain and suffering like Mark's, it will serve the same purpose. It will drive me to the same level of success. I am in the midst of forming a media empire of my own, one that will change the world the same way Mark Zuckerberg's did. That's why today I had to make a huge sacrifice to fulfill my destiny. I had to join Twitter. I know in previous posts I have derided Twitter, calling Tweets a glorified facebook status update. I understand that I accused Twitter of attempting to ruin my hermit lifestyle and set me up for a lifetime of contempt in the virtual world. I admit that the last thing I want is the 24/7 monitoring of my fairly mediocore life that a Twitter account will bring. But, in the end, it just had to be done. It was the next step on my journey. I had my Mark Zuckerberg/Caribbean themed life changing moment...and now its time to capitalize on it.
Getting Rides From Papa John
Now it's time to tell you all about the moment that will propel my life towards billionaire/movie material status. It occurred, as usual, in Beloit Wisconsin. While I was visiting the old alma mater for Homecoming, I decided to spend a night out drinking on campus. At about 2 A.M. I got really hungry and decided to do something about it. This is my story (insert Law n' Order music)
1:54 A.M.-I am walking into a party at Theta that will end in approximately 6 minutes. As I enter I am handed a condom. Funny side not, I will leave this condom in my shorts and my dad will find it while he is doing the laundry at my house. He will then ask me about it, creating one of the more awkward situations in my life. All because of a condom I had no chance of ever needing to open. So thanks, Theta. I graduate and you are still giving me contraceptive devices as a joke.
1:56 A.M.-I am in a massive dance party that suddenly feels like an awkward 8th grade dance. 4 months ago I would rock these parties harder than anybody, grinding my dick off on every chick within a 20 foot radius. Now I just feel old.
1:57 A.M.-I am clearly not the only person who thinks I am too old to be in this setting. Every person who walks past me is staring at me like I came straight from the nursing home after downing a bottle of Viagara. I look over and see Andrew Heer, who happens to be the exact same age as me. However, Drew came back to school to finish his student teaching this semester, and he is currently grinding on somewhere between 3-5 chicks. Guess he isn't too old for the college chicas.
1:59 A.M.-Start to think that maybe it isn't my age but my general disposition, appearance and attitude towards life that is repelling people away from me. I shrug it off.
2:03 A.M.-I leave the party and run into Tyler Isham. Usually I avoid Isham like the plague, but in my alcohol induced daze I decide it might be a good time to form an alliance with him.
2:04 A.M.-We decide that we are hungry and need food...and the only thing that will satisfy our appetites is Denny's.
2:05 A.M.-Isham and I are desperately looking for someone who can drive us to the Denny's in South Beloit. Unfortunately this is a college campus at 2 A.M. on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so there is a shortage of people who are able to drive us anywhere other then to a painful death at the bottom of a ditch on the Illinois/Wisconsin border.
2:06 A.M.-Carl Anderson offers to drive us. Carl is about 320 lbs. and will gladly risk his life for a short stack of pancakes and 4 sausage links. However, big Carl is also unable to stand at this point...so we look elsewhere.
2:12 A.M.-We see a Palermo's pizza delivery man dropping off some pies on campus. We know this guy might be sober so Isham asks him if he'll give us a ride. He says he will when he comes back for more deliveries. We get excited
2:19 A.M.-We are outside waiting for the Palermos guy to come back when we see a Papa John's delivery man making his rounds. Isham asks him if he will drive us and he looks at us like we are crazy. We then offer him 20 bucks and shockingly...he is in.
2:20 A.M.-We get in the car and the pizza guy starts cranking the loudest, craziest, Slip Knotiest rock music I have ever heard.
2:21 A.M.-The pizza guy is loving life. Isham asks him if this is what he does every night. He responds by saying all he does is "drive around, crank jams, eat pizza and smoke blunts."
2:23 A.M.-We are passing a citgo station where a couple of cop cars are sitting with their lights on. The pizza guy starts freaking out and yells "they've been after me all night! but they're not gonna catch me!"
2:26 A.M.-We pull up at a house where the pizza guy is making his final delivery before taking us to Denny's. We sit in the car for several minutes as a half-naked guy keeps retreating back into his apartment to scrounge up enough cash to get his pizza. I start to wonder if I am drunk or just in a crazy dream. Gooddamnit Inception really did mess up my mind.
2:29 A.M.-We leave the house and start heading towards our destination. Isham asks the guy if he ever has to make deliveries in the bad parts of town, and he says he does. He then says "you know what I do when I got to go to the hood? I turn on this," as he switches tracks on his CD and starts bumping the most ghetto Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg wannabe track you have ever heard. He then reaches into the back seat and grabs some sort of gigantic wooden club and says "this is my protection. One shot with this and they are done." I am now sure I am in a dream.
2:34 A.M.-We are driving on some sort of crazy back roads. I went to school for 4 years in Beloit, and it's not that big of a place. I thought I knew ever inch of that town by heart. But I have no idea where we are. At this point I am pretty positive this guy is going to take my $20 and kill us.
2:36 A.M.-We are driving 75 mph in a 35 mph speed zone. The pizza guy says "I can go as fast as I want. You think they can pull me over? Look at this (he points to the Papa Johns sign on top of his car) you think the cops are going to stop me with that on my car? You think they want cold pizza?" I don't know what's going on here.
2:37 A.M.-We make a swift right turn, still going super fast, and I spill the cup of water I brought with me all over the back seat. My butt gets super wet. It's not very comfortable.
2:40 A.M.-We get to Denny's and the pizza guy demands that I pay him his money now. We tell him we are getting the food to go, but he doesn't care. I give him the Jackson, but am sure he will just leave us trapped with a couple of grand slams in South Beloit.
2:41 A.M.-We order our food. I am not sure what Tyler gets, but I order a Denny's grilled cheese melt. If you don't know what this sandwich is, you need to learn. It is awesome. A grilled cheese stuffed with mozarella sticks...best idea a stoner ever had.
2:43 A.M.-We are sitting in the Denny's lobby, waiting for our food. If you've never been in the Denny's in South Beloit late on a Saturday night I suggest you check it out. They are enough unattractive strippers, hookers and white trash dudes wearing Packers sweatshirts (crew, not hoodies) and cut off jean shorts to wet any sex addict's appetite.
2:45 A.M.-The group that had ordered before us consists of two hideous black chicks and one gigantic black dude. It is clear that they are hookers and he is their pimp. One of the chicks, who is showing way too much skin for a black lady that resembles a young Ray Lewis with a severe addiction to pudding (she's rotund), starts to get infuriated by the wait and demands to leave. The pimp is not happy. Something tells me there is going to be a prostitution scene straight out of The Wire in the Denny's parking lot pretty soon.
2:46 A.M.-The lady told us it would take 15 minutes to get our food and we've only been waiting for 5. That doesn't stop the Papa John's guy from busting into the Denny's and demanding to know what is taking so long. Needless to say you get very embarrassed when a chubby stoner in a Papa John's uniform yells at you in a public place in front of about 50 strangers.
2:49 A.M.-We get our food and head back into the car to return to campus.
2:57 A.M.-We pull up to the Sigma Chi house and get out of the car. There are a bunch of people outside who have no idea why we just went for a drive-along with a pizza delivery guy.
2:58 A.M.-As we are getting out I trip over the cord that attaches the Papa Johns sign on the roof to the car's interior. The sign falls off the roof of the car and crashes into the street. I run as fast as I can into the frat house.
3 A.M.-I get into Isham's room and devour my food before falling into a deep, peaceful slepp. The end.
Big Ups and Text Update
The first, and most controversial, of my big ups has to go to Tyler Isham for his role in my pizza ride along. I know that Isham is not the most loved person in the world, he is really the Toby of the Sigma Chi house now that Andrew Reich has moved on, but he stepped his game up here and he deserves some credit. I would also like to thank anyone and everyone who spent some time with me at homecoming...I would list you but the names are numerous and I am afraid to leave somebody out. I would like to extend a big up to Derek Lovgren for really helping to inspire my interest in twitter (although he has yet to become my follower), Rich Krajewski for being my first twitter follower, and Danny boy Flynn for his tweet encouraging people to follow me and calling me a "twitter all-star." I also got to give a special big up to Nadia because the night before homecoming she asked to be mentioned in the blog and I said she could if she bought all my drinks for the night...and she obliged. Way to go Nadia...you stepped your game up kid. Finally the regular big up goes to my editor n' chief Charlie Schlafly for his diligent work correcting all my typos and grammatical mistakes.
My text score is currently sitting at +743 (536-inbox, 490-sent, 161-from females, 0-textuals) since I got my replacement phone on September 13th, and that's not too shabby for me. My facebook popularity score is also doing fairly well as I've had all kinds of notifications. My twitter game needs to step up although. Although I've only had an active account for about 18 hours I am still sitting at just 8 followers, and that will not get it done.So if you're reading this and are on twitter, have thought about joining twitter or know someone with an account become my follower and special the word about the new media super power I am building...if you don't you are just being selfish. Also I would like to announce that this is my final blog post using my blogspot url address. More on that coming very soon.
Back soon with a media empire update and some cool facts about tailgating in Columbia, MO.
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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