Dear Readers,
There probably aren't any of you left and with good reason. First, I would thank to thank any loyal followers who are still out there reading this pointless drivel. I know many of you are wondering where I have been for the past 9 or 10 months and why I have stopped posting. The answer is simple...I was relishing my last real chance to enjoy any and every aspect of my life, otherwise know as the Senior year in college. It was a glorious time, where the Busch Light and cheap whiskey flowed like an aged wine. Every nap was a little bit longer. Every bit of biscuits and gravy was a little bit tastier. Every blacked out night was a little more embarrassing. And of course, every ignorant and obnxious comment I made was a little more offensive and hurtful to someone other then myself. It was all I could ask for...and then some. I have hundreds of stories I could share with each and every one of you. I could tell you about Dan Flynn getting decked by a bald headed 40 year old in downtown St. Louis for simply asking the guy for a ride in his limo. I could enthrall you with my tale about how I vomited all over my Panama City Beach hotel room while my good friend Scramuel Booman was entertaining a female guest. I could even share with you my feelings and emotions while escorting International rap sensation DJ Unk across the greater Midwest region. I could do all those things, but I won't because that's a young man's game...and I am no young man. I am now a college graduate and one day might become part of the work force. I have 2 brothers and 2 parents to support. In 3 years I will have to buy my own health insurance. These are very real and serious concerns for a very real and serious adult like myself. And that's what I am now...an adult. So the Sack is back, but coming at you from a new, more mature perspective...which is why I am composing this post on my father's computer.
NBA Free Agent Recap
As many of you may have heard there was recently a free agency period in the NBA, and I am all too anxious to share my thoughts. At first I was going to call a one-hour ESPN special, refer to myself strictly in the 3rd person, and announce "Next year I'm going to take my talents to South Beach," as if I was a gay porn star moving from West Hollywood to the greener pastures of South Florida (that's what LeBron did right? check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSyRhlGae-M). However, I don't think I command that kind of attention...so this post is the best I can do.
Biggest Winner: Chris Bosh. In my opinion there is no doubt about this one. Throughout his career he's been a productive career 20-10 guy, who the media somehow elevated into the D-Wade/LeBron James free agent strasphere to form the so-called "big 3." Forget about the fact that the Raptors were 256-320 during Bosh's 7 years with the club (not including their 3-8 record in the playoffs with 2 first round exits). Forget that his greatest career basketball accomplishment was being the 10th man on the 2008 Olympic team, where he was a glorified screen setter and garbage rebounder (although he did fill that role very well, which makes me think he may be able to do the same for the Heat). Even forget that almost no one in the US has seen him play since his freshman year at Georgia Tech or that he is the only NBA "star" who was less famous in his own market then every member of the NHL squad's backup penalty killing line. In spite of all this Chris Bosh has now accomplished his one true goal...becoming mildly famous. He's mentioned on every addition of Sportscenter. He has attracted some followers on twitter by asking them where he should've signed (although I doubt Miami was their pick). He even made an Entourage cameo where he spoke between 3-9 words. And now he is going to play in South Beach with D-Wade and LBJ to form the "big 3". So even if he was only the Heat's 3rd biggest free agent pick up (well maybe 5th or even 6th...clearly behind LeBron and D-Wade, while Udonis Haslem, Big Z and Mike Miller are giving him a good run for his money), the average American might now recognize him walking down the street. Congrats Chris you've done every overrated, over paid and undersized NBA post player proud (and Amare Stoudemire can't be too happy about that). Now go out and get 16 and 8 while playing limited defense because you already got the American dream locked up...at least for now.
2nd Biggest Winner: The City of Miami. The greatest fans in the world deserve to watch this collection of NBA stars...too bad they all signed in Miami. The Miami Dolphins ranked 19th in NFL attendance this past season, but hey that's not bad for a franchise with their limited historical success. Miami's NHL team, the Panthers, finished an awful 25th in NHL attendance, but that may be excuseable (maybe people in South Florida really are just afraid of ice). However, topping the pathetic Panthers following and taking the cake for the least cared about professional sports team in the Sunshine state (and possible the world) is the Marlins rank 29th in MLB attendance at this point in the season (ironically beating only the Cleveland Indians). And how about the Heat, the new bell of the ball down there by the Beach? Well their 15th ranking in 2010 NBA attendance is kind of a respectful showing at least when compared to the other franchises in their market (although they were one spot behind the Toronto Raptors. Is it bad when your MLB and NBA franchises draw less fans then their Canadien competition?). So yeah I am really glad for the fans in Miami...maybe with all this star power they can actually take time out of their busy lives, hit pause on the rave music, put down the cocaine and leave the club for a couple of hours. Then maybe the mighty Heat will finish in the top 3rd of NBA attendance for a year or two until everyone's ego explodes and the trade demands start to fly.
Biggest Loser: Cleveland, OH. Once again this is a no brainer. 45 years of torture with no end in sight. You have endured the Drive, the shot, the fumble, the arm of Jose Mesa, even the knees of Brad Daugherty. Art Modell took your Browns away, and has brought the Lombardi trophy to their new home in Baltimore. Even the fictional Major League movie series ended before the Indians could bring the world series to Cleveland...guess the movies had to stay somewhat realistic. And now you have suffered the most disappointing moment in the history of Cleveland sports...The Decision. Your native son shunned you to take less money and less responsibility in a more glamorous city...and you had to find out on national television like the rest of the entire world (by the way has there ever been a more boring hour of TV then hearing LeBron answer one question? The whole thing should've lasted two minutes. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd did it right on the ESPY's...check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygt6QifkPss). The greatest Cavalier in history (with all due respect to Austin Carr and Mark Price...man the Cavs have a sad past) skipped town taking with him the heart of an entire region and leaving every sports fan in Cleveland thinking...why us?
What is so bad about Cleveland anyway? I visited once during the summer before my senior year in high school, and had a nice time. There is a gorgeous lake and a revitalized downtown, not to mention both the Football and Rock and Roll Halls of Fame are in the the area. Yet every professional athlete seems to hate it. First Joakim Noah blasted the city during the Bulls/Cavs playoff series (maybe because people in Cleveland aren't proud that he's the ugliest man in the NBA unlike their Chicago counterparts). Then Chris Bosh a man who played in a Canadian city (where he was paid with fake money) was forced to pay income taxes to two seperate countries, and lived in the shadow of NHL draft picks and olympic curlers, still refused to go and live on the shores of Lake Earie. I don't get it...Kevin Durant (about 45 times better then Chris Bosh) will gladly live in Oklahoma City for the next 6 years, but Bosh refuses to live in Cleveland, make $22 million a year and play with LeBron on a team that won 128 games the past two seasons? Something is wrong with the world...and sorry Cleveland, but you seem to suffer more because of it then any other city in North America, maybe even the entire planet. Yeah...the pain must be that bad right now. Drew Carey once told me that Cleveland rocked and I believed him...but it seems no one currently playing in the NBA did.
2nd Biggest Loser: Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Man he sure is angry for a guy worth $1.1 billion. As many of you know his bitter letter written after LeBron's departure has caused quite a media stir and a good deal of black lash towards Mr. Gilbert, and I honestly feel bad for the guy. For a billionaire he has caught his fair share of bad luck. First he became rich by inventing Quicken, the computer software that helps people file their taxes. Could there be a worse way to become a billionaire? I mean imagine trying to pick up chicks in a bar by telling them you're a billionaire from inventing Quicken? They'll laugh you outta the place. Believe me...I'd know. I've told my fair share of lies in order to seduce the ladies, and not one single stripper has ever believed that my dad started Yahoo or Flowers.com. So Danny I feel your pain.
But seriously Mr. Gilbert is a loser on several fronts. First LeBron James, his most valued asset, left town. Since Dan bought the Cavaliers their value has increased by more than $100 million...and that is not because of Zydrunas Ilgauskas bringing fans in from the Serbian market. So, he's losing money. Then, he got caught writing an incredibly mean and insensitive (yet very accurate) letter about LBJ, most likely when he was drinking away his pain on Thursday night. I mean if anyone understands what Mel Gibson is going through, it's Dan Gilbert (check Mel's call out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTy9BlO-K4Q). Was there anything wrong with what Dan Gilbert wrote? I don't think so, but it certainly didn't need to be said publicly. Gilbert's letter reminds me of something that happened to me this weekend, when I walked into the bathroom of a local bar. As I was urinating the guy in the stall next to me turned and said, "Hey...it smells like piss in here." I thought to myself (as any reasonable person would) "No shit...maybe that's because your are standing over a god damn toilet. Not to mention, there is an open drain right below your nostrals that has been pissed in hundreds of times this very day. Of course it smells like piss in the bathroom Einstein." That comment is a lot like Dan Gilbert's letter in my opinion. Bascially all that letter said was "hey LeBron...you really f'ed me over here and treated our fans like crap." That's clearly true, but it's so obvious that it didn't need to be said, especially not publicly by the billionaire owner of the Cavs. Now Dan Gilbert looks like a moron, just like that retard who told me the urinal smelled like urine. Concidentially I think alcohol played a serious role in both the bathroom/piss-smell incident and Gilbert's letter (not to mention Mel Gibson's phone call), but that's neither here nor there. Not every thing you think needs to be said...and that is something you would've thought Dan Gilbert has learned by now. Plus Jesse Jackson is calling him a slave owner, and Jesse has never exaggerated about anything...so Danny has really got it tough.
Most Random Aspect of the Whole Process: Location of LeBron's Announcement. Why in the world would LeBron announce his decision from the Boys and Girls Club in Greenwich, Connecticut? I mean I understand why the Boys and Girls Club played a role. ESPN let LeBron sell the advertising rights to his special, and he needed to use a charity as cover so he could say "hey it's OK that I went on national TV and acted like a self-absorbed piece of crap, because it was all for charity." I like that line of thinking. Charity really can get you out of a lot of trouble I guess. I mean say for instance you get caught cheating on your wife...just say you were making a sex tape that you will then sell, donating the proceeds to charity. Could she really get mad at you? Not unless she wants to be selfish. So I guess we are all being selfish in our new found contempt for LeBron...at least by that logic.
Anyways while I understand the charity/cover my ass angle, I don't understand why the town of Greenwich, Connecticut was chosen. I mean obviously the King wasn't going to announce his decision in Ohio once he decided to skip town...he clearly doesn't have the cahones for that. But Greenwich? First of all LeBron has absolutely zero connection to Greenwich, at least that I know of. Second, Greenwich may be the richest town in America. As of 2007 the median income for a household was $117,857 ($168,779 for a family). Now there has been a recession since then, but wikipedia doesn't mention it changing anything about Greenwich income levels, so those numbers are the real deal in my opinion. Anyways that's a lot of bank. Why does Greenwich even need a Boys and Girls Club? I mean who in Greenwich would even go to one? There aren't a whole lot of underpriviledge youths running around town. The poorest kid in the room with LeBron still had a dad who made 6 figures as an analyst at JP Morgan or a manager of some hedge fund (what is a hedge fund? I don't really know...but people work for them). I mean maybe they cut back on their christmas bonuses a little bit up in Greenwich, but it's still not the place I would pick if I want people to think about my charitable actions. Give me a break Bron-Bron that wasn't a Boys and Girls Club it was a polo club and spa...you weren't fooling anyone. Next time just pick Compton or East St. Louis, so that the average viewer will be like "dang these kids really do need the money he is contributing." Maybe that will help you score some PR points.
Big Ups and Text Update
First I would like to extend another special big ups to everyone who has come back to reading the blog. I know the post was long, and pretty specific, which makes it different from what I wrote in the past. I'll be writing more and plenty of what I write won't seem like a bad Bill Simmons article (like this one) and will instead be the old school, laugh-your-dick off stories about me getting hammered and not moving forward with my life. I would also like to extend a big up to Charlie Schlafly, who executed his role as editor-in-chief perfectly by proof reading the post. I would also like to thank Joe Davis for reading over the post as well. Finally I would like to extend a melancohly big ups to George Steinbrenner and the Steinbrenner family. George "the boss" Steinbrenner passed away yesterday at the age of 80. I am no Yankees fan, but any sport's fan of any kind has to acknowledge all that he has down for the sport of Baseball, the Yankees franchise, and the fans of New York. Plus Larry David's impersonation of him in Seinfeld is one of the greatest comedic characterizations in TV history. Here is a taste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJRNASYFYsY
Finally if any of you remember the text messaging game I created, then that's pretty cool. But I obviously have no way to give you an updated score from the past 10 months or so. All I know is I have 1300 messages in my inbox since April 30, and I have only sent 19 (my sent box can only hold 20 messages before it starts deleting them). So obviously I have good a score brewing.
Thanks again for any readers/support I have left
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
NBA Free Agent Recap
As many of you may have heard there was recently a free agency period in the NBA, and I am all too anxious to share my thoughts. At first I was going to call a one-hour ESPN special, refer to myself strictly in the 3rd person, and announce "Next year I'm going to take my talents to South Beach," as if I was a gay porn star moving from West Hollywood to the greener pastures of South Florida (that's what LeBron did right? check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSyRhlGae-M). However, I don't think I command that kind of attention...so this post is the best I can do.
Biggest Winner: Chris Bosh. In my opinion there is no doubt about this one. Throughout his career he's been a productive career 20-10 guy, who the media somehow elevated into the D-Wade/LeBron James free agent strasphere to form the so-called "big 3." Forget about the fact that the Raptors were 256-320 during Bosh's 7 years with the club (not including their 3-8 record in the playoffs with 2 first round exits). Forget that his greatest career basketball accomplishment was being the 10th man on the 2008 Olympic team, where he was a glorified screen setter and garbage rebounder (although he did fill that role very well, which makes me think he may be able to do the same for the Heat). Even forget that almost no one in the US has seen him play since his freshman year at Georgia Tech or that he is the only NBA "star" who was less famous in his own market then every member of the NHL squad's backup penalty killing line. In spite of all this Chris Bosh has now accomplished his one true goal...becoming mildly famous. He's mentioned on every addition of Sportscenter. He has attracted some followers on twitter by asking them where he should've signed (although I doubt Miami was their pick). He even made an Entourage cameo where he spoke between 3-9 words. And now he is going to play in South Beach with D-Wade and LBJ to form the "big 3". So even if he was only the Heat's 3rd biggest free agent pick up (well maybe 5th or even 6th...clearly behind LeBron and D-Wade, while Udonis Haslem, Big Z and Mike Miller are giving him a good run for his money), the average American might now recognize him walking down the street. Congrats Chris you've done every overrated, over paid and undersized NBA post player proud (and Amare Stoudemire can't be too happy about that). Now go out and get 16 and 8 while playing limited defense because you already got the American dream locked up...at least for now.
2nd Biggest Winner: The City of Miami. The greatest fans in the world deserve to watch this collection of NBA stars...too bad they all signed in Miami. The Miami Dolphins ranked 19th in NFL attendance this past season, but hey that's not bad for a franchise with their limited historical success. Miami's NHL team, the Panthers, finished an awful 25th in NHL attendance, but that may be excuseable (maybe people in South Florida really are just afraid of ice). However, topping the pathetic Panthers following and taking the cake for the least cared about professional sports team in the Sunshine state (and possible the world) is the Marlins rank 29th in MLB attendance at this point in the season (ironically beating only the Cleveland Indians). And how about the Heat, the new bell of the ball down there by the Beach? Well their 15th ranking in 2010 NBA attendance is kind of a respectful showing at least when compared to the other franchises in their market (although they were one spot behind the Toronto Raptors. Is it bad when your MLB and NBA franchises draw less fans then their Canadien competition?). So yeah I am really glad for the fans in Miami...maybe with all this star power they can actually take time out of their busy lives, hit pause on the rave music, put down the cocaine and leave the club for a couple of hours. Then maybe the mighty Heat will finish in the top 3rd of NBA attendance for a year or two until everyone's ego explodes and the trade demands start to fly.
Biggest Loser: Cleveland, OH. Once again this is a no brainer. 45 years of torture with no end in sight. You have endured the Drive, the shot, the fumble, the arm of Jose Mesa, even the knees of Brad Daugherty. Art Modell took your Browns away, and has brought the Lombardi trophy to their new home in Baltimore. Even the fictional Major League movie series ended before the Indians could bring the world series to Cleveland...guess the movies had to stay somewhat realistic. And now you have suffered the most disappointing moment in the history of Cleveland sports...The Decision. Your native son shunned you to take less money and less responsibility in a more glamorous city...and you had to find out on national television like the rest of the entire world (by the way has there ever been a more boring hour of TV then hearing LeBron answer one question? The whole thing should've lasted two minutes. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd did it right on the ESPY's...check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygt6QifkPss). The greatest Cavalier in history (with all due respect to Austin Carr and Mark Price...man the Cavs have a sad past) skipped town taking with him the heart of an entire region and leaving every sports fan in Cleveland thinking...why us?
What is so bad about Cleveland anyway? I visited once during the summer before my senior year in high school, and had a nice time. There is a gorgeous lake and a revitalized downtown, not to mention both the Football and Rock and Roll Halls of Fame are in the the area. Yet every professional athlete seems to hate it. First Joakim Noah blasted the city during the Bulls/Cavs playoff series (maybe because people in Cleveland aren't proud that he's the ugliest man in the NBA unlike their Chicago counterparts). Then Chris Bosh a man who played in a Canadian city (where he was paid with fake money) was forced to pay income taxes to two seperate countries, and lived in the shadow of NHL draft picks and olympic curlers, still refused to go and live on the shores of Lake Earie. I don't get it...Kevin Durant (about 45 times better then Chris Bosh) will gladly live in Oklahoma City for the next 6 years, but Bosh refuses to live in Cleveland, make $22 million a year and play with LeBron on a team that won 128 games the past two seasons? Something is wrong with the world...and sorry Cleveland, but you seem to suffer more because of it then any other city in North America, maybe even the entire planet. Yeah...the pain must be that bad right now. Drew Carey once told me that Cleveland rocked and I believed him...but it seems no one currently playing in the NBA did.
2nd Biggest Loser: Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Man he sure is angry for a guy worth $1.1 billion. As many of you know his bitter letter written after LeBron's departure has caused quite a media stir and a good deal of black lash towards Mr. Gilbert, and I honestly feel bad for the guy. For a billionaire he has caught his fair share of bad luck. First he became rich by inventing Quicken, the computer software that helps people file their taxes. Could there be a worse way to become a billionaire? I mean imagine trying to pick up chicks in a bar by telling them you're a billionaire from inventing Quicken? They'll laugh you outta the place. Believe me...I'd know. I've told my fair share of lies in order to seduce the ladies, and not one single stripper has ever believed that my dad started Yahoo or Flowers.com. So Danny I feel your pain.
But seriously Mr. Gilbert is a loser on several fronts. First LeBron James, his most valued asset, left town. Since Dan bought the Cavaliers their value has increased by more than $100 million...and that is not because of Zydrunas Ilgauskas bringing fans in from the Serbian market. So, he's losing money. Then, he got caught writing an incredibly mean and insensitive (yet very accurate) letter about LBJ, most likely when he was drinking away his pain on Thursday night. I mean if anyone understands what Mel Gibson is going through, it's Dan Gilbert (check Mel's call out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTy9BlO-K4Q). Was there anything wrong with what Dan Gilbert wrote? I don't think so, but it certainly didn't need to be said publicly. Gilbert's letter reminds me of something that happened to me this weekend, when I walked into the bathroom of a local bar. As I was urinating the guy in the stall next to me turned and said, "Hey...it smells like piss in here." I thought to myself (as any reasonable person would) "No shit...maybe that's because your are standing over a god damn toilet. Not to mention, there is an open drain right below your nostrals that has been pissed in hundreds of times this very day. Of course it smells like piss in the bathroom Einstein." That comment is a lot like Dan Gilbert's letter in my opinion. Bascially all that letter said was "hey LeBron...you really f'ed me over here and treated our fans like crap." That's clearly true, but it's so obvious that it didn't need to be said, especially not publicly by the billionaire owner of the Cavs. Now Dan Gilbert looks like a moron, just like that retard who told me the urinal smelled like urine. Concidentially I think alcohol played a serious role in both the bathroom/piss-smell incident and Gilbert's letter (not to mention Mel Gibson's phone call), but that's neither here nor there. Not every thing you think needs to be said...and that is something you would've thought Dan Gilbert has learned by now. Plus Jesse Jackson is calling him a slave owner, and Jesse has never exaggerated about anything...so Danny has really got it tough.
Most Random Aspect of the Whole Process: Location of LeBron's Announcement. Why in the world would LeBron announce his decision from the Boys and Girls Club in Greenwich, Connecticut? I mean I understand why the Boys and Girls Club played a role. ESPN let LeBron sell the advertising rights to his special, and he needed to use a charity as cover so he could say "hey it's OK that I went on national TV and acted like a self-absorbed piece of crap, because it was all for charity." I like that line of thinking. Charity really can get you out of a lot of trouble I guess. I mean say for instance you get caught cheating on your wife...just say you were making a sex tape that you will then sell, donating the proceeds to charity. Could she really get mad at you? Not unless she wants to be selfish. So I guess we are all being selfish in our new found contempt for LeBron...at least by that logic.
Anyways while I understand the charity/cover my ass angle, I don't understand why the town of Greenwich, Connecticut was chosen. I mean obviously the King wasn't going to announce his decision in Ohio once he decided to skip town...he clearly doesn't have the cahones for that. But Greenwich? First of all LeBron has absolutely zero connection to Greenwich, at least that I know of. Second, Greenwich may be the richest town in America. As of 2007 the median income for a household was $117,857 ($168,779 for a family). Now there has been a recession since then, but wikipedia doesn't mention it changing anything about Greenwich income levels, so those numbers are the real deal in my opinion. Anyways that's a lot of bank. Why does Greenwich even need a Boys and Girls Club? I mean who in Greenwich would even go to one? There aren't a whole lot of underpriviledge youths running around town. The poorest kid in the room with LeBron still had a dad who made 6 figures as an analyst at JP Morgan or a manager of some hedge fund (what is a hedge fund? I don't really know...but people work for them). I mean maybe they cut back on their christmas bonuses a little bit up in Greenwich, but it's still not the place I would pick if I want people to think about my charitable actions. Give me a break Bron-Bron that wasn't a Boys and Girls Club it was a polo club and spa...you weren't fooling anyone. Next time just pick Compton or East St. Louis, so that the average viewer will be like "dang these kids really do need the money he is contributing." Maybe that will help you score some PR points.
Big Ups and Text Update
First I would like to extend another special big ups to everyone who has come back to reading the blog. I know the post was long, and pretty specific, which makes it different from what I wrote in the past. I'll be writing more and plenty of what I write won't seem like a bad Bill Simmons article (like this one) and will instead be the old school, laugh-your-dick off stories about me getting hammered and not moving forward with my life. I would also like to extend a big up to Charlie Schlafly, who executed his role as editor-in-chief perfectly by proof reading the post. I would also like to thank Joe Davis for reading over the post as well. Finally I would like to extend a melancohly big ups to George Steinbrenner and the Steinbrenner family. George "the boss" Steinbrenner passed away yesterday at the age of 80. I am no Yankees fan, but any sport's fan of any kind has to acknowledge all that he has down for the sport of Baseball, the Yankees franchise, and the fans of New York. Plus Larry David's impersonation of him in Seinfeld is one of the greatest comedic characterizations in TV history. Here is a taste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJRNASYFYsY
Finally if any of you remember the text messaging game I created, then that's pretty cool. But I obviously have no way to give you an updated score from the past 10 months or so. All I know is I have 1300 messages in my inbox since April 30, and I have only sent 19 (my sent box can only hold 20 messages before it starts deleting them). So obviously I have good a score brewing.
Thanks again for any readers/support I have left
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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