Dear Readers,
Last night (Saturday, August 8th) was one of the most rewarding of my entire life. As many of you know the current economic climate in the United States has been anything but favorable, and I have fallen victim like a wall street executive who only got a $1.3 million dollar annual bonus from his bankrupt and federally owned company. Going into this weekend I had a total of $200 in my bank account, with no job or income coming in in any way, shape or form. So I did what any reasonable person in desperate need of spending money would do during these difficult economic times...casino. Anyone who has read this blog knows the love and affection I have for casinos and all the activity that takes place in them. However, while I may love the casino...it doesn't always love me. I am not one of those recreational gamblers who bets $100 over a 3 hour time period at the blackjack table and really doesn't care how they fare because they have a good job, a family and other important things in their lives. When I gamble I go big and I certainly don't mess around. I live and die with every bet I put on the table. Everytime I buy in at a blackjack table, the amount of money I'm spending represents at least 1/10th of my net worth. I don't break even...and I certainly don't shrug my shoulders and say "oh well I only lost $20" at the end of a night at the casino. I either win huge or I lose huge...when I'm driving home from the casino I either want to stop traffic and dance in the streets or jerk my car off the road and end it all for good. And Saturday night I wanted to be dancing all night. Lumiere Place provided me with hope, dreams and a little bit of comfort in these trying times. It gave me the ability to go back to Beloit with my head held high and a sense of economic security not many can find these days. So I would like to take this oppourtunity to thank Lumiere Place, and every casino out there, for all the joy and gratification it provides for me and every other person like me...and hopefully this introduction proves to all of you that compulsive gambling is not only a curse, but it can be a gift as well.
The Sack Artist Sees America
In the 3rd and final installment of the beloved travel channel miniseries the Sack Artist sees America, I visited one of my favorite places in the world...Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Actually I visited Boston before that, but that didn't provide me with much material considering all I did was follow around locals trying to replicate their accent and sound like Matt Damon in The Departed. Anyways here's what happened to me on my trip through the South
Wednesday, July 29
9 A.M.-I leave St. Louis to head to Chokum Yoakum's house for the first leg of my journey. Somehow Ceej lives in a location that's at least 150 miles from the nearest interstate...who knew such a remote location exists in the middle of the state of Illinois.
10:45 A.M.-I am arriving at Yoakum's house. Are the roads paved? Nope. Do I have any idea where I am? Yeah right. Is there anyone within a 100 mile area that has more then 4 teeth and isn't married to their cousin? Doubtful
11:02 A.M.-Bob Wimmer, Scramuel Booman and Ace arrive at Ceej's and we are ready to head into the deep south
2:35 P.M.-We are in the great state of Tennessee and are driving through the city of Nashville. We drive by the Tennessee Titans football stadium...do you think any inappropriate Steve McNair jokes were made? God I hope not...what kind of people would that make us?
3:49 P.M.-We stop at a gas station in some Tennessee town. As we get out of the van, we hear yells of "The South will rise again!" followed by "Dixie Nation!" Evidently our Wisconsin license plates have been spotted and the group of Southerners running towards our car with pitchforks want to get back at us for "The War of Northern Aggression" that our Yankee ancestors dominated some 150 years ago. According to their text books the Civil War is Abraham Lincoln's fault because he thought that 2% of white Southerners subjugating any entire race into involuntary servitude is wrong? This is how history is taught below the Mason Dixon Line? Wait a second, maybe Barrack Obama was really born in Kenya...or something here doesn't add up.
7:53 P.M.-Night is falling as we enter the Appalachian foothills in the state of North Carolina. If you've ever seen the film classic Wrong Turn then you know that there is an entire society of inbred hill people dwelling in these mountains waiting to pray on innocent northerners like us. If anything goes down Ace and I will sacrifice Booman, b-wim and CJ in order to save ourselves (in reverse order as listed).
10:15 P.M.-We arrive in Hickory, North Carolina and immediately head to the local Hooters for some chicken wings and beers. The hooters in Hickory, North Carolina is basically a glorified barn and everything is really cheap. In fact they don't take American money in the South, instead only accepting "Confederate Dollars," what's the exchange rate you ask? About 243 confederate dollars for every George Washington you drop. Anyways I drop only about 5 Stonewall Jackson's (about 35 cents) on a 50 piece order of wings and 6 Bud Lights.
Thursday, July 30
8:13 A.M.-I wake up and Booman is naked spooning with me in my bed. I am furious until I look up and see a note saying "No Homo" signed by Scramuel Yomantas Booman at 3:47 A.M...so it's all good
9:16 A.M.-On our trip from Hickory to Chapel Hill, Booman and I start messing around (we were arguing...get your mind out of the gutter) when b-wim threatens us by saying "If you don't stop I'll turn this car around right now!" How is someone who was born 6 months after me acting like my father? Also, that has to be the emptiest threat I have ever heard. I remember on our trip to Disney World when my dad threatened to "turn the car around." But if we think about this logically, here is what my dad basically was saying "Hey Sack I spent my entire year's salary on this week long trip to mickie mouseville, and we've driven 12 hours to the middle of podunk Alabama, but if you don't quit pissing me off I am going to take thousands of dollars out of my own pocket and put 4,000 miles on my 1987 Chrysler conversion van just to prove a point and accomplish nothing." Yeah that's real likely pops
11:21 A.M.-We reach Chapel Hill and go to the reception area for the fraternity conference. There are 1,800 Sigma Chis standing in this one room waiting to sign in...and somehow me and Ace are the only ones who decide to start playing the nervous game to kill time? What's with these guys? I mean if you can't play the nervous game in front of 1,800 of your fraternal brothers, where can you?
12:59 P.M.-Ace and I are sitting in the opening meeting listening to one of the national officers lay down the ground rules for the weekend. Included in those rules are the obvious no urinating or vomiting in public (as I look in the corner of the room I see 4 guys pissing and 2 puking already...so those are some real firm rules). However, a new rule is added...no pooping in public. Has public shitting been a real problem before? Why is it necessary to remind everyone not to squat down and dump on the hickory tree next to the UNC Library?
6:34 P.M.-I am eating dinner in the UNC dining room when Kenny "The Jet" Smith walks by and I instantly draw wood. Man I thought The Jet died when he tried to copy Kobe Bryant and jump over that car, but I guess that was just some CGI shit (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOh3NRBC_yI)
9:23 P.M.-We are done for the day and ready to hit up the insane Chapel Hill bar scene. We find a cozy little hang out known as Goodfellows and settle into a booth. b-wim goes to buy the first round and comes back with a pitcher of Miller Lite. I take one drink and start puking all over the bar (the first of many rule violations by our group)...and that was the best Miller Lite I've ever had.
11:14 P.M.-bob leaves to go hang out with one of his boyfriends he met during his summer in Germany and Ace starts talking to a chick next to him. Now I may be the only guy out there who does not judge chicks based on their appearance, but this chick Ace is talking to is an overweight blonde who somehow still thinks she's attractive despite the fact she is in a town where 9 out of the 10 chicks I've seen have been absolutely gorgeous. She probably has more confidence because the dude to chick ratio is about 243:1 after 1,800 Sigma Chis rolled in today, because she is giving Ace the cold shoulder...and Ace is the 2nd most attractive man I've ever seen (behind Ryan Reynolds)
Friday, July 31st
1:37 A.M.-Ace, Booman and I stumble out of the bar and start walking home. I ask Ace if he is OK and he responds with a quick "yeah" before racing across the street and blowing chunks all over UNC's Chapel (one of the campus' most recognizable monuments). Booman follows Ace and starts pissing all over the Chapel as well. Now everyone is looking to me to break the 3rd rule of edict and drop a deuce on the Chapel. If I say I did it they I am arguably the most disgusting person who has ever lived (and a complete liar)...but if I say I didn't do it then I am the pussy who chickened out and wouldn't complete the ultimate inappropriate rule breaking trifecta...so it's really a lose/lose situation for me.
8:15 A.M.-I wake up completely hungover but am fresh as a daisy compared to everyone else in our group. Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I was the only person in the crew who was sober enough not to defecate in public last night?
8:16 A.M.-I am now awake enough to realize that today is my 22nd birthday...and boy is it anti-climatic. A year ago to this day (my 21st birthday) was one of the best days of my life filled with 21+ shots, strippers and a gigantic red school bus driving me to St. Louis' finest bars and filled with many of my closest friends. Not to ruin the storyline for the rest of the day, but all I got today was a happy birthday facebook wall post from less then 1/10th of my friends, an unreturned text message from Nicole Odom and the joy of talking Michael Kovach into buying a Roger Dorn jersey tee...God my life is on a serious decline at this point.
10:27 A.M.-An impromptu arm wrestling match breaks out between the presidents of the chapters at Northwestern and Wisconsin. I am so jacked up with testosterone watching this thing that I yell out "Murk Him!"...I still have no idea what this means, but I heard it in a rap song and it seemed to fit
10:30 A.M.-9:30 P.M.-I walk into every meeting that I have and exclaim "I'm hung-over" like Brian Fantana in Anchorman
9:37 P.M.-Me, Ace, b-wim and Scram are back out on Franklin street making the magic happen. Our any of our bodies recovered and ready for another long night of drinking with 1,800 fraternity bros? Probably not, but I am a God damn champion and I don't back down from any challenge...no matter how detrimental to my own health
11:49 P.M.-I am feeling pretty good and basking in the fact that I have at least 3 friends nice enough to text me a happy birthday through the course of the past 24 hours...Once again my life has really started to seriously slide downhill
Saturday August 1st
12:45 A.M.-Ace, Scram and I are chatting with one girl in our usual booth at Goodfellows. This girl is wearing some sort of dress straight from a movie premier with like sequins and sparkly shit everyone. The more this dress twinkles the more attention I am paying to this chick...the damn thing is hypnotizing me. I have no idea what this chick looks like, and certainly could not repeat one word she has said over the course of our 2 hour conversation, but I am so interested in her it is ridiculous. So evidently ladies if you want my undivided attention...sparkling sequins are the way to go (and sparkly dress sales just dropped by 200%)
2:43 A.M.-Ace, Booman and I made it back to the dorms with no public urinating, vomiting or pooping. I am not sure if this statement is something we should be proud of because it showed we are learning and maturing or if it shows that we are huge losers who do not drink nearly as much as we should...so I'll let you, the readers, be the judge
9:08 A.M.-At our morning meeting it is announced that our chapter is supposed to make a "strategic plan" to make us a better and stronger presence on our campus. Too bad anyone who has ever been to Beloit knows Sigma Chi is beloved by each and every student on campus and that we are accepted and popular as individuals...so we really have nothing to do here.
9:30 A.M.-7:30 P.M.-Am I awake or asleep? Alive or dead? Do I remember anything during this 10 hour period of time? Is this the plot for a new ABC drama where everyone in the world blacks out for 10 hours, wakes up and goes on with their lives like nothing happened? Man and people thought Lost was ground breaking.
7:34 P.M.-Me and Ace are sitting in the front row of auditorium where the closing session of the conference is being held...and I couldn't be more bored. So of course I again start playing the nervous game with Ace while 1,800 people are watching our every move. I look behind me and every single dude in the place is staring at me like I'm some sort of side show freak, so I turn to Ace and announce "everyone in here thinks your gay." Wait if that's true what do all these guys think about me? Man I didn't think that one through
9:22 P.M.-We head down to some hole in the wall bar with our Grand Paraterior Allan Levy. For those of you who have no idea what a Grand Praraterior is don't worry...I am in the fraternity and I can't even spell it, much less comprehend what it is. Anyways Allan Levy is a grown man with a job so its obvious if we go to the same bar as him, then ditch him to drink alone on the other end of the bar and refuse to acknowledge his existence, he will pick up our bar tab because that's what Sigma Chi is all about...people with money (Allan Levy) helping people with less money (myself) fulfill our dreams of getting absolute hammered drunk by providing us with financial assistance and buying us drinks.
10:43 P.M.-I have had at least 10 whiskey and cokes and we are ready to head out to another spot. As our check comes we are all staring at Allan Levy, waiting for him to be a good fraternal brother and pay our $100 tab. However, Levy does not even reach for the check and acts like we should pay for the alcohol we consumed ourselves. Come on man, you probably made $100,000 last year, during which time the only income I've received is $300 of Lumiere Place casino chips and those free brownies and cookies the Red Cross gave me for donating blood. You can't be the bigger man and pay for my drinks...maybe if Obama had passed my proposed legislation to make paying for bar tabs tax deductible Levy would have stepped up. Too bad the Obama administration is focusing on less important priorities like providing health care to children and making sure the American economy does not completely shut down in the next 2 months...and this guy wants me to vote for him again in 3 years?
11:27 P.M.-We are wondering around Franklin Street, and every bar we try to go to has at least a 30 minute line outside. I am feeling pretty good and start to think that if I just make friends with the bouncers we'll be able to bypass the lines and go right now in. However, I failed to consider the fact that I am a 6'5" 300 pound dude who these bouncers find about as sexually attractive as Joakim Noah (or a pregnant Katherine Heigel...oh wait, she still clearly has me beat)...and people like me don't tend to get VIP treatment. I yell at each and every bouncer who refuses my requests, saying "Who are you to play God?" and repeatedly calling him a "door man," However I was probably the 2 millionth person to use that line since Knocked Up came out...and it really doesn't have much of an impact anymore
Sunday, August 2nd
1:06 A.M.-I am pounding whiskey and cokes at the bar at Goodfellows and beating chicks off with a stick. Man girls at state schools have lower standards then I expected if they are talking to me...something here doesn't add up. I am an offensive lineman, and chicks generally go for quarterbacks, such as Beloit College quarterback Matt Davis. Matt may not have the most functioning brains, the most caring personality or respect from anyone who has ever spent more then 5 minutes with him...but he will rifle the f'in ball 60 yards into the first row of the stands, and chicks dig that.
3:03 A.M.-Back at the dorms any public urination or vomitting? That depends on your definition of public...man UNC really thought this through when they invited 1,800 drunk fraternity guys to their school and thought they would "respect" their campus. Did we live up to every stereotype possible on this trip? God I hope so.
11:18 A.M.-We leave North Carolina and the weekend of my dreams is offically over
11:18 A.M.-11:59 P.M.-On the drive from UNC to CJ's house we pop D2: Mighty Ducks and Mortal Combat into the old VHS player. Of course CJ has seen neither of these oscar nominated films (and never played the Mortal Combat video game) before now. Did he even have a childhood? If you have lived your entire life up to this point without seeing either of these film gems you are missing some of life's most beautiful sights...like the knuckle puck from Keenan or the "get over here" move from Scorpion. How can you live your life like this? I am pretty sure the federal bailout provides a $200 credit for purchasing any mid-1990's VHS so I recommend you pick these two classics up and become an adult.
Texting Updates and Big Ups
Due to the incredible duration of time between my last post and this one, my text messaging score is going to be ridiculously high. Since July 21st my text messaging score is +1329 (755-inbox, 682-sent, 506 from females, 5 unresponded, 4 of which are from the usual suspect and 1 from Scram Booman). As I was sorting through my inbox I noticed a couple of ways I have manipulated the game. First, my phone has some kind of defect that causes messages to be sent to it twice, those giving me 2 messages in my inbox instead of one. Am I going to count these messages in my score...of course they make it higher. Also there are many times where I have been texting people, and they clearly don't want to be having a text messaging conversation with me...but they continue to respond to my messages for fear of being called out in the blog for being cold hearted and ruining my score. This is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. As I've stated before I will run text messaging conversations into the ground and talk to you so much that every time your phone lights up you fear that it is a text from me igniting a 4 hour text messaging discuss, which is probably the most awkward and unrewarding use of your time you can imagine. I finally have a little bit of power in the text messaging realm...and you better believe I'm going to milk it. Also like my text messaging score, my facebook popularity score is killing it as well. I am sure I will have more on this in the next post.
I have a couple of big ups to extend in this edition of the blog. The first obvious one goes to Chapel Hill, North Carolina and the University of North Carolina for showing me an amazing weekend. The second goes to Ace, Booman, b-wim and Ceej for making the memorable treck with me. The third goes to my main man Mark Coogan for taking 14 texts to wish me a happy birthday and just pushing my score through the roof. I guess I will also give credit where credit is due and extend one to Ally Smith and Lindsey Haupt for ending their year long embargo against spending time with me and going out Wednesday night. Finally I have to give a big ups out to the first female employee of Sack Artists International (and the only female to apply)...remember there are still plenty of spots available, and this joke has not gotten old yet (at least not to me). So if you are a female/minority please apply
Marketing Consultant (St. Louis Office)/Vampire?: Emily Hagnauer (on a side note I do not understand the vampire reference Emily wanted me to make so if you have seen that Twilight movie and see a connection to Marketing...please let me know)
Back in Beloit this week with a fresh take on the blogging scence
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
