I know what you are all thinking right now...Jesus Christ Sach thank God you're back after your week plus hiatus from posting. Well I am back, and for all you CJ Chokums mad at me for breaking the 2nd commandment in the opening sentence of this post...you are wrong, dead wrong. The 2nd commandment states that "thou shalln't (contractions are awesome) use the Lord's name in vain," and while I did use the Lord's name, there was absolutely no vanity. Vanity implies a level of caring about one's personal appearance, and I can guarantee you there is nothing I care less about. Also, if you are wondering where I was the past 192 hours I have a one word for you...Mexico. I heard about this so called swine flu and decided I needed to see what it was all about for myself. I walked through all the quarantined areas, and even held hands with several of the sick patients, and somehow I feel fine. It turns out I have built up an immunity due to the several racks of ribs I consume on a daily basis...so if you want to avoid swine flu I recommend you fire up the barbecue pit and grill up some Delicious pork just to be safe.
Craig's List
I don't know if all the readers have heard of this phenomenon, but I recently stumbled across it. It turns out there is this site on the internet, started by Craig Kilborn, which is basically a giant singles bar. I mean people sell all kinds of stuff on this website...houses, cars, boats, sexual favors and most of all their dignity. This site is pretty much just a giant interent orgy. People will say anything on here. You want a girl to dress up in a diaper and pretend she's a baby? Done. You want some guy to put on a Ronald McDonald costume, take you out for a nice seafood dinner and never call you again? Easy. 15 people will email you and show up at your house/place of work before you even put your add up on the site. Craiglist is like a giant Gennie granting any and every wish you could think of. I was intrigued to say the least.
As I log onto craiglist Chicago (http://chicago.craigslist.org/) I was quickly impressed with the amount of options in their personal section. No matter what kind of person you were interested in...chances are they are somewhere on craiglist. What kind of activity are you up for? Do you want to spend a night rolling around in bed? How about a beautiful evening wining and dining on a $2 million yacht? Even better, are you interested in dressing up like Hugh Jackman and spending a Monday afternoon at X-Men origins (http://chicago.craigslist.org/sox/m4w/1153233203.html)? Well all of these things sound awesome to me, but I was looking for more. I was looking for something that was intense, real and full of emotion...and craigs list seems like the perfect place to find it.
As I viewed the personal adds of women who were seeking strapping young men like myself, one caught my eye. It was entitled "are you my sugar daddy?" I had no idea who was asking me this question, but as soon as I read it all I wanted to do was yell "Of course I'm your sugar daddy!" As I clicked on the link and read the add (http://chicago.craigslist.org/nwc/w4m/1153284569.html) I realized I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Here is this 26 year old chick, and all she wants is a couple of free nights on the town. Is it really so unrealistic to expect some guy you've never met to see your borderline unattractive picture on the internet and immediately want to contact you so he can spend a night dropping hundreds of dollars on food and drinks, while you ride around in the limo he rented for the night trying to avoid him so you can find a younger, more attractive dude to hook up with? I hope not, this is America after all, and America was built on freedom. This means the freedom of 38 year old millionaires, who despite their enormous personal wealth have a hard time picking up chicks, to cruise the internet in hope of finding some crack addict who they can wine and dine in downtown Chicago. It also means protecting the freedom of 26 year old chicks, with no hopes or prospects, to use the internet to find socially awkward guys with tons of cash who are willing to subsidies their drinking habits on Rush Street. I wish I fit this woman's criteria, but unfortunately I am not between 30-40 years old, and I only have $13.75 in my bank account. So even on craiglists I'm just not that cool.
Texting Update
As all my regular readers know, text messages are they only way to determine whether or not you're popular. If you read my third blog then you know I have developed a method to determine your popularity strictly by looking at your text messaging habits. I played the game over the last week or so, ending up with a final score of +137. I ended up with 84-inbox, 71-sent, and 1 un returned message...courtesy of Michael Kovach (kid hits one home run and he is too cool to text me back? Congrats Mike, half the Internet now knows you stood me up via text message, making me a complete tool...but a serious congrats on your Fred McGriff Esq dinger). However, despite my extraordinary high text popularity rating, one troubling trend started to develop.
Between 11 A.M. last Thursday and about 11 P.M. last Friday I didn't receive one text. That's right...36 hours (a day and a half for those of you who understand fractions) without receiving one text. Are you kidding me? There are Tibetan monks who go through shorter text messaging droughts, and they rarely get service out there. My 10 year old cousin somehow is allowed to have a cell phone, and she probably received 50 texts about the Hannah Montana movie alone during that time period. To put this in perspective, my friend Jessica Henges told me one month she received over 5,000 text messages. That means during a 36 hour time period she receives an average of 250 text messages. 250 to o? And that's just an average 36 hour period for Jessica, I am sure there were times were that number was dwarfed. Can someone really be that much more popular then I am? If the 1996 Chicago Bulls played my 3rd grade youth basketball team, would they even win 250-0? I mean I guarantee I would be good for at least one jumper and some tight defense on Luc Longley down low. Predicted final score...212-3. So what's the lesson in this? Jessica is better at text messaging then the 1996 Chicago Bulls were at basketball, and I am worse then my youth team (meaning I would go 0-10 and lose by an average margin of at least 52 points per game). Man my life sucks.
Big Ups and Debbie Downs
Back with another edition of the game show that's sweeping the Beloit College campus. You have no idea how many people are nice to me now that I have the power of the internet on my side. People will do anything just to earn a little fame and recogonition, even if it means treating someone they despise or even hate like a king. First I gotta give props to the Beloit College baseball squad for having the chance to earn a conference tournament bid this afternoon. This club can't help but to remind me of the Cleveland Indians squad in Major League with their grit, determination, and low salary cap figure. You have pitchers Rich Krajewski (Eddie Harris) and Jordan Degeorge (Rick Vaughn) at the top of the rotation. You have a pretty boy third-baseman, Michael Kovach (Roger Dorn), who understandbly doesn't want to risk facial reconstruction in order to get in front hard hit grounders, but learns that playing like a team and winning is the only thing that matters after Jake Taylor threatens to "cut his nuts off and stuff them down his throat,"...man that line still scares me to this day. You also have the extremely talented center-fielder, Drew Oswald (Wesley Snipes version of Willie Mays Hays), whose injuries sustained in filming an action movie cause him to be replaced in the sequel by a far less talented version of himself (Omar Epps as Willie Mays Hays). You have the simple-minded catcher, John Sill (Rube Baker), who wouldn't hurt a fly and knows a thing or two about the ladies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQweJm4BsKE&feature=related). Finally, you have the alchoholic announcer, Joe Davis (Bob Uecker), with his inept color man (myself), who inspire the team to victory despite the fact we don't work the baseball games at all. Yep this Beloit College squad has all the makings of an American League playoff contender.
As for the debbie downer award, I have to give this one up to anyone who has yet to join my facebook group despite my constant invitiations. You know you want to be a part of something special...and that's what the Sack Artist is all about. Also, if you don't want to join the group it's pretty simple just to take the 4.5 seconds when you log onto your facebook to decline the invitation. Please don't write on my facebook wall berating me for trying to get you involved with the Beloit College campus, this new internet phad, and my life as a whole. Also, the sack artist cares about all his readers. Please don't flater yourself because you got 2 or 3 facebook invites to join the group, that I somehow want you specifically to read the blog. This blog is open to anyone and everyone with an open-mind, a free heart, and eyes filled with emotion and care. If you don't meet those criteria...you might not be the best person in the world, but you can still read my blog because I need more hits. Finally, one of my goals in life is to get Mark Titus to join my facebook group and read my blog. If you don't know Mark here is the link to the best blog ever created (http://clubtrillion.blogspot.com/), so anyone who knows Mark personally and wants to put in a good word...feel free.
Back soon with a twitter update and a possible guest post
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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