So in my efforts to learn more about the rest of the internet community that my blog is a part of I stumbled across another recent internet phenomenon...twitter. It turns out this website is a great way to gain useless knowledge about what people you don't care about are up to. Evidently all you do is update your status making comments like "Bill is ruining his life by pursuing a girl who will never love me," or "Jeremy is watching his life pass him by while he wastes time updating millions of people who couldn't care less on what he is up too." If you are thinking that this new internet fad sounds an awful lot like facebook status updates, you are both incredibly observant and somewhat insightful. I mean where's the mystery in life anymore? It used to be that I could lock myself in my room for 2 or 3 weeks and no one would even know or care that I existed. Now you don't have that option because the whole God damn world has to know what you are up to 24/7. Twittering or tweeting or tethering or whatever the hell it's called has ruined the hermit life forever for people like myself, who have no desire to be mocked and mercilessly put down in the outside world. So to make a long story short, am I interested? Of course I am, and here is my twitter updates for this past weekend.
Indian Casinos, Baseball and Being Unloved
Friday
7 A.M.-Wake up with a giant painting of Jeff McLaughlin watching over me for protection
7:30 A.M.-Get in my car and prepare for my trip to De Pere, Wisconsin (the sunshine state) to watch the Beloit College baseball team
7:45 A.M.-Meet up with Matt Davis, Joe Davis and Libby at the Beloit Starbucks.
7:50 A.M.-Leave starbucks...Matt flicks off a cop because he hates normal society and the police that protect it
7:55 A.M.-Take a 5 hour energy shot. I immediately start shaking
8:10 A.M.-Push down on the gas pedal and instantly tear every ligament in my right knee. Turns out 5 hour energy has ruined 2 NFL careers...mine and Osi Umenyiora's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSCGg5yYBC0)
8:10-10:45 A.M.-Drive around...I have no idea where I am. I am pretty sure we crossed the Canadian border at least 3 times
11 A.M.-Arrive at De Pere high school looking for the baseball field. Joe asks a fairly attractive 15 year old high school student if she has myspace...she slaps him in the face
11:15 A.M.-Take the roundabouts to find the baseball game
11:20 A.M.-Matt can't decide which shirt will give him a better shot to be a participant on the 2nd season of Tool Academy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtxQaWhSYvA) his affliction graphic tee or his wife beater
11:25 A.M.-Jake Majeski gets an RBI single...I am so excited for Snake that I yell out "He's on steroids!" Instantly Selena Roberts is half way through her book on the 5'6" 140 lbs. Beloit College rightfielder with 0 homers who has ruined the intregrity of college baseball with his use of performance enhancing drugs.
11:30 A.M.-Matt pushes me off the top row of the bleachers...I am out cold
1 P.M.-I wake up to discover our baseball team has won the first game
1:15 P.M.-Matt opens the back, passenger side door in my Eddie Baurer edition Ford Explorer. The door then won't close and I have to drive around with an open door. This door has been cursed even since Odom puked on it early this year and the rain never came to wash it off. It turns out my car is actually rebelling against me...thanks Nicole
1:30 P.M.-I am so pissed about the door situation that I kick my keys into oncoming traffic. In my chase after them I am struck by a Ford Bronco and am knocked out again.
4:30 P.M.-I come to again to to see Alex Jennings make catch a fly ball in left field, making Dillon "Tex" Deckert the conferences' all-time leader in baseball trills (Playing while recording zero stats)
4:35 P.M.-Our baseball team won yet another game. So far I have driven 3 hours and pretty much totaled my beloved car Eduardo, in order to see 12 minutes of baseball.
4:50 P.M.-I walked into the Oneida Indian casino in order to win enough money for a hotel room.
4:55 P.M.-I walk out of the casino down $100...I played 6 hands of blackjack, getting 6 20's, and somehow lost them all. The tribe celebrates by spending my money on a group trip to the go-cart track down the street.
5:30 P.M.-I find a bum who charges me $69.99 to stay the night in his cardboard box outside of Lambeau Field. Man Green Bay is expensive...but I guess location is everything
5:30-9:30 P.M.-Try to sleep but can't because it turns out I really am ashamed of the person I have become...and hobos keep dropping their whiskey bottles on my head.
9:45 P.M.-Walk back in the casino to try and even the score.
10 P.M.-The tribe is out buying rounds of long island ice teas off the money I just donated to them.
Saturday
10 A.M.-Wake up and have no idea where I am. It turns out I slept in a Wal-Mart bathroom in Appleton, Wisconsin.
12 P.M.-Buy bologna at the gas station because I haven't eaten in 37 hours. I now have $12 to my name.
12:30 P.M.-Perform sexual favors on Aaron Rodgers in the bathroom of a Green Bay Mobile. Earn enough money to get myself back to the casino...plus he's an NFL quarterback. If you think you're saying no to Aaron Rogers, you are just lying to yourself.
1:15 P.M.-Walk back into the Oneida Casino for a 3rd time...but now I'm focused and ready
1:17 P.M.-The tribe buys season tickets to the Packers, once again off my donation. Yeah I've lost some money, but I have improved the quality of life for an entire tribe of Indians...I think I am a humanitarian
1:20 P.M.-Drive around Green Bay looking for a quick and easy way to make enough cash for some saltine crackers and gas back to Beloit.
1:22-3:22 P.M.-Work 2 hours as a male stripper. Make $47 in tips...jackpot.
3:30 P.M.-Head to the baseball game to watch our team win the AL East
3:39 P.M.-Hunter Nelson throws his bat at me after he strikes out...once again I'm out
6:02 P.M.-I come to and see Michael Kovach make a Chipper Jones Esq diving stop at 3rd base
6:03 P.M.-Beloit clinches the conference baseball championship...I have gone through this entire ordeal to see 24 minutes of our title run
6:10 P.M.-I ask Michael Kovach what he is doing tonight and says he has to study. Chipper Jones move #2...not only can the kid play baseball, but he is committed to academics. The same can be said about Chipper Jones. You don't think Chipper studied in college? Well he didn't, because he never went to college. But if he had there's no way he would go to some championship party with free booze, a couple of chicks, and the sack artist himself present if he had an important test to study for. Same can be said for Michael I guess
6:30 P.M.-Leave Green Bay with no idea where I am or how to get home
9:15 P.M.-End up in the Toronto airport...how? I don't know. I beat up a pilot and fly his plane
10:30 P.M.-Arrive in the Beloit International airport...one of the 10 biggest in the world.
11 P.M.-Start drinking...heavily
Sunday
1 A.M.-Jake Tressmor and I almost kiss. I want to experience something new, and I am all for switching to guys...after all my luck couldn't get much worse by switching sexes. Jake pulls back because he is in a committed relationship with Michael Kovach. Kovach accepting all flavors...Chipper Jones move #3, we all know he was down with anything
1:30 A.M.-After being spurned by Tressmor I decide chicks are a safer bet...start hitting on some biddies
2 A.M.-Walk home alone
2:05 A.M.-Start crying due to my lack of emotional attachment and the fact that Michael Moore is better looking and more popular with girls then I am.
2:30 A.M.-Pass out alone, naked and unloved (naked and unloved...starting to see a common theme here)
So what can you learn from all of this? If you follow your school's baseball team on their quest for a conference championship you will lose all of your money to Indians, get knocked out 3 times preventing you from watching the games, get lost and be forced to hijack a Candanian airlines plane to get home and finally end up in your bed naked and unloved. So would I recommend it? Best weekend of my life...no doubt
Texting Update and Big Ups
In my common theme of updating all of you on my score of the text messaging game I am currently at +93 (72-inbox, 62-sent, 12 texts from females, 1 unreturned courtesy of Rich Boy Krajewski). Jordan DeGeorge and I were working on a modified version of the text messaging game for facebook useage, but no formula has been perfected yet. Also, if you are a girl the game is clearly rigged in your favor. Most guys will fall all over themselves to text any girl who shows interested in them (not me because I like to pretend like I'm cool and don't care), therefore it is easy for chicks to get texts from the opposite sex. I am currently unsure how to settle this score descripency between the sexes, so if you have any ideas let me know.
The obvious big ups once again goes to the Beloit College basbeall squad. Conference champs...unbelievable. I like to think my heroic treck to Green Bay to see you guys in person was the driving force behind your title victory, but the test results on that have yet to come back so we'll have to wait and see. Also big ups to Rich Krajewski, not only did he help the squad win the tournament title, but he left his room for 45 minutes tonight...during which time I may have fallen asleep on his couch, but those reports have not been confirmed either. Finally, as much as it pains me to say it, I will give Nicole Oddo a big up for inviting me to study snacks and because she somehow actually desperately wants to be mentioned in this blog despite the fact she has already been in it like 14 times...go figure.
I am in such a good mood that I will skip my debbie downer award (although it should also go to Nicole Oddo for cursing my car door and making fun of 2 of the only 3 things I have ever loved in my life...St. Louis and Budweiser beer. Congrats Odom, you really know how to crush a man's spirit).
Back soon with a possible guest post and some other cool stuff
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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