The Sack Artist Sees America and All You Can Eat Scrimps

Dear Readers,
This has been a busy weak for the Sack Artist...to say the least. While this post will certainly provide tremendous insights into one of the busiest and most action-packed 7 day sequences of my life, it certainly will not tell the whole story. I know what most of you are thinking right now...man Sack I wish I could put my foot in your Nikes and be you just for one day. Well I got news for all of you...just because I have my own internet webpage, and I'm a Q-list celebrity, doesn't mean my life is better or more interesting then yours. In fact the opposite is probably true...if you laid on your couch for 16 straight hours, moving only to get fresh beers and bags of doritos, and rotated your TV watching evenly between ESPN and TBS, you would have accomplished the entire Sachary L. Poelker experience and your life would be complete. However, there are three key principles to the way I live that makes my life seem interesting, entertaining, and made for the internet. First, I have a severe lack of emotional attachment that prevents me from feeling any sort of compassion or sympathy for anyone else. Second, I have no fear of social awkardness which allows me to excel in social situations that others avoid. Finally, I mock and belittle everyone around me as much as possible (including myself) with complete saracasim and an amazing grasp of the irony present in their words and actions. If you want to live your life in this fashion I suggest you practice by doing things like pushing down small children and laughing or farting in crowded places and yelling "who did that!" when everyone knows it was clearly you...and then tell everyone it was the dorky 13 year old kid next to you (who's life is already tough enough) and get the entire room to point and laugh at him. If you don't want to partake in these type of activities, and prefer to be a normal member of society, that's your decision but I'm not laughing...and neither is anyone else.

All you can eat Scrimps
As many of you have read in earlier posts, I am obessed with scrimps (shrimp) and have had the biggest craving over the past several weeks to devour an entire shipment worth of Bubba-Gump's finest. I wish I could describe to all of you how the name of one of America's most beloved ocean dwelling shell fish (shrimp) got changed to its more fitting and appropriate name (scrimps)...but if you haven't sat with Charlie Schlafly in a Captain D's drive through on North Grand, you just wouldn't understand. Anyways all my previous attempts to eat my bodyweight in seafood had been thrwarted by poor corporate advertising and a lack of culinary imagination. However, my fortunes have changed thanks to one of my favorite places in the world...Lumiere Place. Many of you know Lumiere Place as home to St. Louis' finest casino, where I lost my government tax refund but also met such A-list celebrities as the Minnesota Timberwolves' Al Jefferson (the only non-guard on their team) and the guy with a mohawk from No Doubt (Gwen Stefani's band...don't worry, I didn't know anyone besides Gwen existed either). However, it turns out Lumiere Place is also home to some of St. Louis' finest culinary delights, including their burger bar where I ate one of the manliest burgers of all time last night (1/2 lb. of angus beef, pepper jack cheese, bacon and a fried egg...of course all topped off by some fine homemade chilli), but that's not part of this story. Lumiere's exisquist buffet has a variety of specials including my personal favorite...Scrimply Tuesday. And this buffet does not lack imagination...I never seen such a scrimp spread in my life. We're talking buttered scrimp, fresh scrimp, fried scrimp, popcorn scrimp, spicy popcorn scrimp, coconut scrimp, jumbo scrimp and of course scrimp fried rice. Add in a tremendous Asian section, every different kind of chicken imaginable, some great brick oven pizza and delicious homemade ice cream, and I've never felt like such a glutton in my life. For only $26 (or about a 25 cents per pound of food I ate) you can eat away a lifetime of insecurity and depression. A starving ethopian could go 13 years without food after one visit to this fine buffet establishment. I think it's safe to say scrimpsfest '09 was a great success.

The Sack Artist Sees America: Part I
I would like to welcome all my readers to the first part in my travel channel series "The Sack Artist Sees America." For my first trip I decided to visit an America treasure known for it's skunked beer, incredible sausage production and insanely overweight residents (any connection there?)...that's right Milwaukee, WI. Here is my complete, 100% accurate diary of my travels through the midwest this past weekend and my time in Milwaukee with friends like Richboy Krajewski, Mike Kovach, Megan, Matt Kees and Snake Majeski.
Friday, July 3
10:10 A.M.-Leave St. Louis and enter the state of Illinois. I prepare for my 4 and 1/2 hour trek through the state where the only scenary of any kind is cornfields and a hooters in Springfield

12:03 P.M.-I stop for a piss break at a gas station in McClain, Illinois. A hooker has a snazy piece of advertising on the door of the bathroom stall...and let's just say her number is now saved in my address book

2:46 P.M.-Stop at Everett's liquor in South Beloit, Illinois to see my friends from the school year. Do they recogonize me? Of course...I have a frequent customer card (do they have frequent customer cards? Oh wait that's a video club card)

3:53 P.M.-Arrive at Rich Krajewski's apartment to start my weekend of drinking, sleeping and drinking again. It's a vicious cycle...but it's how I live my life

4:08 P.M.-9 beers deep...Mike Kovach's got a good lead on me, but it won't last

4:39 P.M.-Milton Bradley makes his 14th error in the Cubs/Brewers game

4:42 P.M.-Easy pop up to Milton Bradley...and he actually makes the catch for the 3rd out of the inning. However, Milton is so scarred from his past experiences he refuses to believe the inning is over and won't leave the field.

4:45 P.M.-Kovach and I switch to Vodka and monster...it lifts you up and calms you down

6:30 P.M.-I got a pretty good buzz going as we prepare to head down to Summerfest, the largest outdoor music festival that takes place in downtown Milwaukee over 4th of July weekend. Kovach steps into the restroom before we leave and decides Rich's bathroom needs some better lighting.

6:31 P.M.-Kovach takes the light bulb out of the lamp and drops it, laughing as it shatters into a million pieces on the bathroom floor.

7:02 P.M.-Arrive down on 8th street to park at Kovach and Megan's friend's apartment. What's this young lady's name? Katy Snotty...no jokes, that's just too easy

7:08 P.M.-Board a Milwaukee city bus to get down to Summerfest. What's being on a Milwaukee city bus like? Ever seen the rape scene from American History X? Well it's nothing like that, actually I felt quite safe...but I will use any excuse to get the image of Edward Norton being raped in all of your heads

7:48 P.M.-We've driven at least 15 miles and we're still not at summerfest? But we were on 8th street? That means 8 blocks and then the city ends. What's at the end of the city? A lake? Mountains? An empty abyss that leads directly to hell? I don't know...but I should've found out by now

8:08 P.M.-We finally get into Summerfest and I buy 4 shit beers and hand one to Kovach and one to Rich for their enjoyment

8:12 P.M.-We are walking around the Summerfest grounds when security runs up to Kovach and asks for his ID. As I look around I see at least 137 underaged kids walking around with alchohol free of harrasment. There is a baby in a stroller chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels. Why is security picking on Kovach? Could it be his green and white tank top (somehow Kenny Chesney is playing and Mike is the only guy wearing a tank top? wow, that's a shocker)? Could it be his boyish good lucks and his 12 year old equivalent IQ? Anyways, despite Kovach's believable plea that he left his liscense at home (1st time they heard that one), he's kicked out.

8:18 P.M.-Kovach and I scale 3 fences and tightrope over a moat filled with hungry sharks to get back in

8:20-10:30 P.M.-Drink beers and listen to music

10:35 P.M.-I walk over to the Gavin DeGraw stage just in time to hear the One Tree Hill theme song performed live. My life is now complete, especially since I get to share the moment with Richboy (no homo...hah turns out that comment wasn't gay after all, plus we're athletes).

11:15 P.M.-We've been drinking with Jake Majeski all night. As we all are getting ready to leave Snake decides it would be a good idea to smack a nearby female on the ass...and I couldn't agree more. Somehow this upsets the chick...I think she should feel pretty flatered. Her boyfriend wants to throw down until he see's Jake's 5'6", 135 lbs. frame (it's all HGH). He then runs to the cops who arrest Jake and throw him in a taxi...that's profiling if I've ever seen it

11:20 P.M.-We decide to walk back to our parking spot on 8th street

11:58 P.M.-We've walked about 34 blocks when I walk up to a street sign that reads "1st street." so 1st street is 6 miles west of downtown? What the hell Milwaukee...that just doesn't make any sense. I am not a statistics major, but shouldn't 1st street be the 1st street? I mean it's written in the God damn name

Saturday, July 4
1:03 A.M.-We get back to Richboy's apartment and I lay down on the couch to fall asleep. Matt Kees gets a hold of the remote and decides to turn on Dirty Dancing. After seeing Jennifer Grey, who also happens to play Ferris Bueller's sister, Kees asks me if this movie is just a sequel titled Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2. I explain to him that it is not, and actors can play different characters in different movies...he refuses to believe me.

1:46 A.M.-Kee's asks me if Dirty Dancing is really just Ferris Bueller's 2 for the 250th time...if I hear Kees say one more word I'm going to burn the apartment down and put a bullet in my brain.

1:47 A.M.-I call the Brookfield fire department...the entire apartment is up in flames

10:35 A.M.-Wake up in Libby (Rich's roomate and Joe Davis' girlfriend...nice) bed naked. Is Libby here? God I hope so. Too bad she is no where to be found...my dreams are shattered and I feel used.

12 P.M.-Start drinking

12:30 P.M.-Go to lunch at Habeineros Mexican resturant. They make guacamole tableside and it's phenomenal. Kovach has a new high fat liquid to replace his ranch dressing fetish. Megan makes best friends with Miguel, the guacamole maker.

12:45 P.M.-The waitress asks me if my order is correct and I tell her "I forgot what I got or what I'm getting isn't what I got." If you can't follow that sentence don't worry...you're not alone. Kovach and Richboy are laughing harder then when they found out I pronunce the name of the largest state in America as "Colifornia"

1 P.M.-12 A.M.-I'm either drunk, sleeping or listening to the band Jet perform their new album at Summerfest. How many people have bought Jet's new album? Can't be that many...these guys are no Jonas Brothers I can tell you that (although they are probably also virgins)

Sunday, July 5
8 A.M.-1 P.M.: One of the most amazing tennis matches of all time is going on as Andy Roddick is battling some European douche in the Wimbledon final. Kovach strolls in during the 5th set and looks at the score. Seeing Federer is up 11-10 in the 5th set he proclaims "Federer's up a set...shouldn't this match be over?" No Mike it shouldn't be...in fact it might still be going on.

1:15 P.M.-We return to Habineros because Kovach's body can now only digest guacamole

1:20 P.M.-The guy making our guacamole isn't Miguel from yesterday...and Megan is very upset. She insults the new guacamole maker, Carlos, who proceeds to pull his pants down and start to add his own special sauce to a guacamole. Luckily his boss walks in and sees this yelling "Not at the table Carlos!"

1:30 P.M.-Kovach, Rich and I all order the macho grande burrito. Kovach thinks it would be a good idea to challenge me to a burrito eating contest. I finish my macho grande burrito while Kovach is still spreading enourmous amounts of sour cream all over his. Don't let that mustache Kovach sometimes grows fool you...he is a child.

2 P.M.-Rich and I head down to Potawatomi Casino...God bless Native Americans

4:30 P.M.-I have lost all the money from my bank account, the shirt off my back and even the stash of hash browns I keep in my pockets. I think every Indian tribe in Wisconsin has put some sort of curse on me forcing me to lose huge sums of money at their casinos. Richboy on the other hand won $250,000. How you ask? He snuck Kovach in the casino with him...try telling Mike counting cards is hard because he practically bankrupt a casino (and an entire Indian tribe) and he's a semi-functioning re-tard.

5:15 P.M.-I leave Milwaukee probably never to return...God that Miller shit can ruin a weekend, and the image of an entire city, real quick

Texting Update and Big Ups
Due to the incredible length of this post I will keep this short and sweet. My new phone has allowed me to save every text message since the last post, so I can give you post to post updates on my text messaging score. My current score is +346 (243-inbox, 203-sent, 63 from females)...that's a lot of math.

Got several quick big ups to give out. First to Richboy, Kovach, Megan, Snake, Kees and everyone else who spent time with me in Milwaukee. Also to Paul Beauttenmueller and Charles Schlafly for enjoying the SAI St. Louis office scrimps buffet trip with me. Got to give it up to Nick Swardson for reading my last post and emailing me back saying he thought it was funny...that's big time if he's telling the truth. I also would like to announce the one new employee of Sack Artists International (SAI) I hired this past week...remember there still plenty of positions available

Regional Manager Wisconsin Province/Least Paid and Respected Employee: Scramuel Booman

Finally I would like to take this time to give a very sincere and serious big ups to Steve "Air" McNair. Steve was a true competitor and a champion, and he inspired millions of people myself included...and he will certainly be missed.

Back soon with part 2 in the Sack Artist Sees America

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"