One Shining Moment, Richie K and Ya Boy

Well it's time for the 4th installment of the blog that's sweeping the nation. What you say I only have about 3.14 readers in the United States, and you're calling me out for my blatant lie? Well I wasn't talking about the US, which is obviously where my loyalty lies, but has failed to accept my blog due to the crisis in the automotive industry. I was speaking of the island nation of Nauru, with its 13,770 citizens, parlimentary republic system of government, and one 2 star hotel which supports the islands' entire economy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nauru). Nauru, which gained it's independence from Australia in 1968 and is the world's smallest island covering just 8.1 sq miles, has provided us with 1 reader. Congrats Nauru, 0.0072% of your population is a fan of my blog, and my rising popularity will surely increase the number of hotels in your quaint island from 1 to 2...pretty much doubling your economy. That's the sack artist helping out the hard working citizens of the world...and I couldn't be more proud.

Player Profiles: Rich Boy and D-Love
If you guys checked out my last post then you saw my reference to Rich Krajewski and Derrick Lovgren, the text messaging phenomens who made me feel like a complete tool for sending/receiving 1/69th of the texts they did. Well, I want my readers to know the people I subtly mock in my blog...so I sat down with Rich and D-Love to give you guys some background info.

Name: Richard Charles Krajewski XIV...and the rightful king of Poland
Height: 6'2"?
Weight: 180 lbs?
Hometown: Grayslake, IL
Educational: Beloit College MBA
Favorite Animal: Bulldog (If you beat the Georgia Bulldog...the Georgia Bulldog gonna bite)
Nicknames: Rich, Rich Boy, Juice, Juicebox, Dick Juice, Juiceman, Freshly squeezed orange juice without pulp
Brand Loyalties: Nike, Anheuser-Busch, Gatorade
Sworn Enemy: Salvatore Crivello
Favorite Historical Figure: Whitey Gilbertson and Whitey Durham (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW531PKt674) future love child
World's Biggest problem: People trying to imitate Mark Titus (http://clubtrillion.blogspot.com/)
Greatest Accomplishment: Supporting Nike and the free market principle of cheap Indonesian labor. Also losing 250 lbs. since 6th grade.

Name: Derrick Lovegren
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 198 lbs.?
Hometown: Amboy, IL
Educational: 7th in his kindergarten class (out of 8...the kid behind him missed almost the entire school year while he was in rehab for his addiction to huffing glue)
Favorite animal: Chicago Bear and his child the Chicago Cub (I like the goat that has prevented the cubs from winning a world series in the past century)
Nicknames: This Ya Boy D-Love, Brickhead, Dumptruck
Brand Loyalties: Anheuser-Busch
Sworn Enemy: Books and Jay Bilas
Favorite Historical Figure: Coach Herman Boone (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_HFCYz4x6o)
World's Biggest problem: The Infusion of dog piss...I mean Miller beer products into the beer market
Greatest Accomplishment: Reading Good Night Moon with no help last night/watching his created player get promoted to the AAA affilate of the Pittsburgh Pirates in MLB The Show

One Shining Moment
The highlight of the Beloit College athletic season took place last night, as the The Clash of the Titans...aka the Intramural basketball championship took place. Walking into the gym I was expecting to hear the roars of thousands of screaming fans chanting my name as Dick Vitale called me a PT-Per in front of millions watching at home on ESPN. Instead I found 4 fans sitting under the basket, berating me for my lack of foot speed and coordination. Despite my squads undefeated, untied, and unscored upon season we were the heavy underdogs. The club we were playing was led by two former D-III All-Americans, and for those of you who don't know Division 3 basketball is at least equivalent to the level of play found in a New Mexico state title game (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJl1HqSAJ8) so these guys could flat out play. Down 29-24 at halftime I realized that our team was in desperate need of some help if we were going to be wearing those stylish championship T-shirts and hats I had just printed in the back of my Ford Exporler.

That's when it hit me...if we were going to pull this game out we had to do something drastic, and I had a plan. Our team had one major defficency that had caused thousand of teams to lose sporting events throughout the course of history...talent. But that can easily be overcome with a little ingenuity, creativity and work ethic. I did what every great leader would do in this situation...take a cue from the Oscar Award winning film, Space Jam. We had to steal talent from 5 of the NBA's greatest players during the 1998 season, which somehow included Shawn Bradley and his 0.8 points, 0.2 rebounds, and 6 fouls per game. So during our shockingly prolonged halftime I was able to drive to the airport, board a plane, and criss cross the country in search of the greatest group of NBA talent ever assembled on a court (Mugsey Bouges, Larry Johnson, Bradley, Charles Barkely, and Patrick Ewing). To make a fairly long and boring story of how we used our NBA all-star talent to wear down our opponent and capture the title short...we won the game thanks to my Partick Ewing esque 17 foot jumper that turned our 10 point lead into an insurmountable 12 point advantage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBF1lsZUlUI).

Big Ups
Lot of people to thank for the early success of the sack artist...including all my followers (you think Jesus ever said thank you to the masses watching him walk on water...well I guarentee he did because Christ was the most polite person you will ever meet). Anyone who has commented, joined the facebook group, or finally made eye contact with me since the blog's creation, go a head and give yourself a pat on the back and a rub on the bottom. Got to give props to Tyler Isham, Ben Chrysielles, Jimbo Weber, Kellen Winslow, Big G and Lipps for the IM title victory. Congrats to Ceej Chokum for driving me home on Friday, despite his lack of a valid Illinois driver's liscense and his uncontrable shakes. Finally big ups to the nation of Nauru, your national pride and acceptance of my grametically flawed blog has made me proud to share the World Community with you.

My debbie downer award has to go to myself. Obviously I was celebrating our undefeated IM basketball season last night with a large bottle of a very dark blend of Apple Cider. I happened to drop the bottle on the front porch, watching it shatter into millions of pieces and gash Jordan Yanni's foot. After trying to suck up the remaining liquid with a straw, I fled the scene in shame and self loathing. I then rode out to a wooden glenn, where I punched dance out my rage and worked on my pommel horse routine for the 2012 Olympics (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVB-bBKKPak). Finally to anyone who doesn't take the time and effort to click on the youtube links I post...what the hell are you thinking. To experience the sack artist as its truly intended you have to understand my shallow and fairly obvious pop culture references, which you can't do with a simple click on a god damn link. Have a little pride in the blog you are reading, and give them a shot.

My final link is a video of what I experienced last night/this morning (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zF4lipKBDls). Back next week with some more wit, charm and good looks.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades