The Sack Artist and the Order of the Phoenix (and the Windsor Knot)

Well ladies and gents, I'm back for blog edition #5...otherwise known as the Sack Artist and the Order of the Phoenix (if you don't get the Harry Potter reference, you neither read books or watch movies...so either you're blind or you live in an underground cave with Ceej Chokum). I know what most of you are thinking right now...Sack, how come you never talk about the endless chicks who you are constantly wooing 24/7? All you do is joke about your lack of game around females (and those jokes are about as true as a paternity test on Maury http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIeU4m0jUac)? Well there are a few reasons...first of all I don't pursue the biddies. I'm the Sack, they'll come to me (Oh My God your f'in right they will http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIp3kuEoJ4M). Also, I don't want any girlies getting inside the fort knox like safe which is my brain...that's why a lot of times I don't even talk to my dates (wait...when did I go on a date? I did put on my best suit and treat myself to a dinner at Applebees, so I guess that counts). Finally, I was looking in the mirror the other day when I found a hole in my otherwise perfectly symetrical beard. It is like two inches of my right cheek has been receiving chemotherapy (there I spelled it right Joe Davis...you f'in tool) treatments during its 6 month battle with cancer (which somehow hasn't spread) and hair refuses to grow there. This needs to be rectified, so what are my ideas? #1 rogaine...stuff works, you can't deny it. #2 chia pet growth spread...that stuff looks like my beard anyways.

The Internet Told Me How to Get Dressed
You ever roll out of bed in the morning, half asleep, maybe still a little disoriented from the 45 root beers you drank the night before, and need to get dressed in your best formal attire ASAP? Well relax my friends I have the perfect solution for you. One day I was sitting in my best, good friend Matt Kees' room when he made a startling revelation to me...he was unable to tie a tie. Despite my clear attempts to teach Matthew how to tie the perfect windsor knot, he was unable to learn. Maybe it was because he is the only 12 year old college junior in the United States, or because when I stood behind him attempting to teach he had a growing supiscious that I was trying to slip one past the goalie (I may have gotten to half staff...but nothing to worry about right? Well let's just say Kees went to Catholic school, so he's very paranoid). Either way, we needed a solution, because if you can't tie a tie you certainly can't poop with the door open, talk about a certain part of the female anatomy, go on riverboat gambling trips, make your own beef jerky or do any of the other things men do (uncensored version at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFSdjPt5p7M). Needless to say I wanted my best, good friend Matt Kees to experience a complete life of manhood with all of these elements, so we went to work.

We went to our most trusted source for information in the entire world...google. There we found an extremely well written and incredibly lit documentary on how to tie a tie, narrated of course by Morgan Freeman's half brother, former Green Bay Packers wideout Antonio Freeman (http://www.tie-a-tie.net/windsor.html). After throwing a pack of popcorn in the microwave Kees and I enjoyed this flick while spooning on Kees' futon. Ever since that fateful day when Kees learned how to tie a tie, this video has become a sensational teaching tool. Joe Seidel had to go to court, not for his involvement in T.I.'s gun charge (who do you think sold him that stuff), but for some fairly tale class project moderated by Johnny Cochran (too soon?). Anyways, Joe was in a bind when he came to ask me "what tie knot is appropriate for court apperances?" Of course I remember the film I had just enjoyed and showed Joseph the documentary...and he was instantly tying a windsor knot more perfectly then Donald Trump. That's just one instance of this windsor knot documentary changing the life of a lucky individual...but there are plenty more out there.

This got me thinking...what if this tie knot video could revolutionize the entire putting clothes on industry. Could instructional documentaries really help people who struggle with buttoning their buttons, finding the head holes in their T-shirts, or tying their shoes? Could we sit children down at a young age and teach them via video to put their pants on one leg at a time, saving them the embarrasment of using a pogo stick to jump into their sweatpants in a crowded 7th grade geography class? Could we cure herpes by using an instructional video to explain that if you don't unzip your pants, your package can't get out? When you think about it an inability to put on/take off clothing has really hampered our society's chance to advance and caused many of our world's problems. Humiliation, embarrasment, and STDs could all be eradicated, if only one industrious fellow would take advantage of a video camera and an ability to instruct others on how clothing works. Let's learn from our failures, and our successes (tie tying video being the greatest thing to happen to humanity since the creation of the boombox), and put humanity in a position to succeed.

Jesus vs. LeBron: Let's Be Real
After watching LeBron himself outscore the Detroit Pistons 110-27 in the first quarter of their playoff game, I thought of an interesting question. If Jesus Christ were to come back tomorrow, spend a year at UNC leading the Tar Heels to a national title, and then enter the NBA draft (going to the Knicks...who win the riged lottery like they did in 1985 for Patrick Chewing)...would he be better then LeBron? Me and a national panel of sportswriters discussed this at the Beloit College Baseball game last Thursday, and here were some of our findings. First, Christ would certainly be a point guard due to his unselfish nature and desire to save (give the ball to) the people around him. I also think Jesus would certainly have a better perimeter jumper then LeBron, after all Ray Allen did play Jesus Schuttlesworth in He Got Game. However, LeBron's defensive improvement gives him a clear edge in that area. No NBA rookie, not even the savior himself, walks into the front door and immedietly adjusts to the defensive effort it takes to be a lock down defender. Also, look for LeBron to have the rebounding advantage. He is certainly much bigger then Jesus, and has superior jumping ability (when did you ever hear about Jesus' vertical leap in the bible?). Add in LeBron's driving ability, and incredible court vision and I think you have a winner. While Jesus would defintly average 22 points, 15 assists, and 5 rebounds a game (a slightly better version of Chris Paul), it will take him at least 3 years of NBA seasoning to make a legitmate threat to King James...just the way the league works for all men, whether they're the world's savior or not. Plus, the bible says Jesus made all men in his own image, and he made LeBron in the image of the greatest basketball player since Michael Jordan...and Jesus would never do anything to risk that.

However, the real question here is who would have the greater marketing potential. Jesus, with his billions of followers has an inherent advantage. Plus, in this scenario, Jesus is playing in the world's largest media market in New York, while LeBron stays home with the Cavaliers. So despite LeBron's huge popularity, Christ would certainly sell more of his shoes at the downtown Portland Nike town then LeBron. But this brings up another interesting question...how would Christ handle the transition to NBA superstar? We've seen some of the game's greatest talents succomb to the temptations found with being an international icon. Plus, Christ has his own list of temptations he would have to deal with. Every time Jesus saw a sick fan in the stands he would obviously help, taking away from his playing time. Every time Jesus saw a money counter (cash register) or a beer vendor he would erupt in rage. Every time the Knicks were scheduled to play a Sunday afternoon game, Christ would be busy with a 17 hour Sunday church service. Would Christ be able to focus on the game with all of his other responsibilities? It takes a late of focus to become the GOAT and Jesus would certainly have a lot of other things on his plate...just some food for thought.

Finally, here is a video my boy Hawaii 52 posted on my facebook wall (http://www.theclawproductions.com/Kanye/Kanye.html). This is an offer for a peace treaty...offically ending the war between me and that giant Hawaiin, and thus between the United States and Hawaii themselves

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades