Dear Readers,
I am sure you are wondering where I have been for the past week plus. After all it has been almost 2 weeks since my last original post and I am sure many of you have been more anxious for a new post then I have been for a Dude Where's My Car Sequel for the past 9 years. Anyways I am back, and let me explain my absence. First of all, I have recently returned to my summer home in St. Louis from my winter cottage in beautiful Beloit, Wisconsin. I've gotten into a blog writing routine in Beloit that has carried me through many a lonely night. I would sit on the front porch of the Sigma Chi house for the better part of 9 hours thinking about important world issues like LeBron James' player efficiency rating, the fat content of McDonald's french fries, and whether Hangover the movie is really just a prelude to my experiences during Joey Schalfly's bachelor party in Las Vegas. I would have Michael Kovach sit with me and share his emotional insecurities and educational deficiencies. Andrew Heer would share tales of JV baseball and show me the text messages he exchanges with his bff Michael Jordan. Jake Majeski would tell stories of his one legged dog Cosmo while injecting himself with HGH right in front of me. It was a laugh riot that inspired me to share my heart and soul with the blogging public.
Re released into the Wild
However, since my return to the world's greatest city I have been off my game...to say the least. My surroundings are unlike anything I have ever experienced. Yes, I have lived in the same house in St. Louis for the past 18 years and have pretty much done the exact same thing everyday during that time span (wake up, eat, watch TV, eat, nap, eat, watch TV, eat, sleep). However, notice in my daily pattern the lack of blog writing (or any other constructive activity for that matter). Also there is so much to do in St. Louis that I have been supplementing my daily pattern by listening to Nelly, visiting the Arch and going on frequent tours of the Anhesuer-Busch brewery. You might think these activities would give me sufficient material to blog about the city in the Midwest, best city in the whole wide wide world (and yes Lupe is talking about the Lou...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaPpu5vKsZo). However, all these activities have done is left me drunk and passed out under the world's most famous monument (http://www.orgsites.com/mo/stlchristianhomesports/StLouisArch.jpg) with a group of Chinese tourists trying to do scientific experiments on my unusually large body (I would be the second largest man in their country).
When I realized the St. Louis experience was not conducive to blog writing I tried to replicate my Beloit porch experience on my very own front porch. However, this experiment was ultimately not successful, and if any of you ever read my facebook status then you know I found it lonely and not at all soothing. I tried to replicate all of my Sigma Chi front porch activities, but they just weren't the same. First I tried playing cards by myself, a favorite past time of mine. However, I shuffled the Ocean's 11 collector deck too close to a lit candle and Frank Sinatara's head went up in flames on my 5 of clubs, eventually lighting all of my arm hair and the sleeve of my Master Bait & Tackle shirt on fire. I realized I needed a partner, so I found a homeless man and paid him $12 to spend a couple hours on the porch pretending to be Kovach. About 15 minutes in I asked the man if he wanted to smoke a cigar, and he of course responded with...stogies? why not? However after I handed the man a fine craft cigar rolled in the foothills of Costa Rica, he ripped it open and replaced the tobacco with crack. Even I've never seen Kovach do that, so I felt a little out of my element. After taking a hit of the hobo's crack pipe...which forced me to send texts to people who did not text me first (look what drugs can do to a person's principles), I came to and realized my blog writing might never be the same.
Battle of the Titans...Joliet Jackhammers vs. Schamburg Flyers
Saturday night I decided to leave Beloit a little early to spend the night with my favorite pair of non-related quarterbacks (well one ex-qb) who share the same last name...Joseph and Matthew Davis. Joe was announcing the Joliet/Schaumburg independent league baseball game Saturday night for ESPN 8 the Ocho, and Matt and I were anxious to go. Not only would we be at the game, therefore keeping us from hearing Joe call a first inning single a "dagger", we would also get to see the greatest assembly of baseball talent on a diamond since the 1999 Montreal Expos. Here were my observations from the game
7:01 P.M.-Matt and get off the highway in Joliet. I haven't seen this much economic growth and new construction in a community since I stopped at that all-black strip club in East St. Louis.
7:04 P.M.-Matt looks for a parking spot as I see Rudy and Kovach racing down the street in matching Joliet Catholic sweats
7:06 P.M.-Matt and I park in the season ticket lot (there are 15 spots and 4 cars...not a lot of support for Jackhammer baseball I guess)
7:08 P.M.-Matt and I search the radio dial for Joe's broadcast of the game. Instead we find the Joliet broadcast and learn that Flyer's outfielder Peanut Williams got his nickname (I thought his real name was Peanut...but you learn something new everyday) because everyone in America has a nickname.
7:12 P.M.-Matt and I go to buy our tickets. The sign clearly says lawn tickets for $5, but when I go to purchase mine the lady charges me $6. Why lie to me about one buck? You can't put $6 on the sign? Are people in Joliet so economically depressed that you have to lie to them about ticket prices because if you tell them it cost $6 instead of $5 they will not be able to afford it? Well probably to that last part, but still come on
7:16 P.M.-Matt and I find his friends Mike and Kelly inside and we all buy 124 ounce beers from the concession stand (for $4.75...not a bad deal here in Joliet)
7:18 P.M.-Some kid is racing up the stairs and spills some of Kelly's beer. She responds by dumping the rest of it on his head...every hobo in the stadium who couldn't afford a beer themselves licks the kids face in an attempt to down some alcohol. FML #1 (for the hobos or the kid? You be the judge)
7:22 P.M.-The Joliet PA announcer exclaims "when I say Jack...you say hammers" over the loud speaker. After yelling "Jack" the stadium is silent...a lot of team spirit in Joliet
7:30 P.M.-Felix Jose comes to bat for the Flyers. Not only does this fella have two first names, but it turns out he has won two world series titles (1985 KC Royals and 2000 Yankees). So after a 15 year professional career that led to 2 world series rings and millions of dollars in salary, you return to baseball as a 43 year old to make $12,000 a year for an independent league team? FML #2 (for Felix Jose)
7:45 P.M.-"JACK" over the PA...crickets
7:50 P.M.-In between innings we see an epic sack race contest as two father-son combos go at it. Little Eric and his father Timothy lose because Eric falls. After the race Timothy removes his belt and all we can hear is Eric cry "No daddy, NO"(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihpe07LoOx0)
7:55-8:15 P.M.-The Jackhammers make 15 errors in the 6th inning...high quality baseball
8:20 P.M.-"JACK" over the speakers...no reply. The PA announcer leaves the mic on and I can clearly hear him say "I hate this job"...FML #3 (for the PA announcer)
8:25 P.M.-The Kid who spilled Kelly's beer is now doing the "Cha Cha Y'all" all by himself in the aisle...what a tool. FML #4 (for the little kid)
8:30-9:30 P.M.-Don't remember...wasn't paying attention
9:35 P.M.-Matt and I are walking through a dark Joliet alley (luckily I don't have to say that one) alone and a homeless guy is walking up to us...FML #5 (for me)
Texting Update and Big Ups
My text messaging score is not the best it has ever been right now. Right now I am only at +89 (58-inbox, 54-sent, 28 from females, 1 unreturned courtesy of...Rich Krajewski. Rich also didn't return a facebook chat I sent him today...maybe because I immedieatly signed off or maybe because of spite, either way devastating my facebook popularity score. Way to crush me again Rich Boy). Also I went through a 45 hour text drought from roughly 11 P.M. Monday to 8 P.M. Today. That dwarfs my previous high drought of 36 hours. Jessica Henges would have received roughly 312.5 texts during that time period. 312.5 to 0? The scrimmage between the JV and Varsity in Mighty Ducks 3 wasn't this lopsided. It looks like it will be a tough summer on my text messaging score.
Big Ups have to go to the Beloit College baseball team one final time...not only for their incredible run to the NCAA tournament but for the unbelievable amount of blogging material you have provided me with. Mad love has to go to Rich Krajewski who ended his college career by pitching an 8 1/3rd, Chris Carpenter esque gem and landing himself on the all tournament team. I would also like to personally thank anyone and everyone who accompanied me to the NCAA tournament games in beautiful Oshkosh BiGosh, Wisconsin. Finally Joseph Scherer and Paul Beauttenmueller for lifting my spirits tonight by drinking beers, eating salads, discussing our feelings and doing other manly stuff together. Finally to Brandon Strongman one more time for sending me that delightful guest blog and not complaining when I wrote my intro completely hammered and a little gay after my night at Club Impulse.
Back soon with 14 hours of white hot intensity
In Hoc
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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