Dear Readers,
sorry I have been away for so long, but I've been tied up in more then one way (you will read about them later). But first I have to admit something to all of you because you are my closest friends in the world and the only people who care about me. I am addicted...and not to one of the normal vices that consumed Robert Downey Jr. for the latter part of the 20th century. It's not heroin, cocaine, alcohol, gambling, sex or tobacco (hah told you guys I did not participate in any of these activities...wait why am I proud of that statement?). I have kicked my habit of smoking crack and staying up all night shaking and watching the Basketball Diaries so I could feel like less of a junkie. So what am I hooked on you ask? Facebook. That's right the cute little website that has gotten teenage girls obsessed with their ability to talk to each about Gossip Girl via the internet (wait I wrote on Tess Jacquez's facebook wall for the sole purpose of discussing the Gossip Girl season finale...god damn it). Due to my lack of job, money, activities, or social skills I have spent the better part of this summer stalking 484 people through Al Gore's internet machine. I have spent more time on facebook in the last week then I have in the rest of my college career combined. Don't get me wrong, I always checked my account and used facebook to grow my blog following past the double century mark (225 people...more then have watched PBS in the past decade), but I was more likely to eat a salad then write on some body's wall unprompted (I had a salad with my dinner tonight and I was underwhelmed...let's be honest it's just a bowl of leaves). However, lately my facebook usage has gotten completely out of control. I have written on Matt Davis wall 127 times simply quoting lyrics for the Diddy Bop (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DyAG_8jFNI). I've communicated with Nicole Oddo's via facebook on at least 84 occasions. Michael Kovach's wall=2 posts. Don't get me wrong, these people are my friends (for the most part) but there have been more then one instance where I've walked past them at school without acknowledging their presence or lied to them about my plans so I could spend my night watching a Gangland marathon instead of hanging out with them. Reading my facebook wall posts is a lot like watching the Movie Borat. My first post (or the first viewing of Borat) leaves you falling on the floor laughing and wishing you were as creative as Sacha Baron Cohen. After the second post/viewing you are giggling thinking this guy is pretty funny and you wouldn't mind splitting a Starbucks coffee and a bag of sunflower seeds with him on a Sunday morning. By the 3rd or 4th post/viewing you are ready to drop a nuclear bomb on the country of Kazakhstan (or my house) to make the entire movie and character socially irrelevant so you don't have to listen to some douche say "I Like You" in a terrible impersonation 450 times an hour (that impersonation loser just happened to be me 2 years ago). Just be thankful Jeff McLaughlin doesn't have a facebook page so you don't have to see me quote Old Gregg on his wall every 15 minutes on your facebook feed (please tell me you've seen this video because it changed my life). Why did I do all this...because facebook is the only legitimate way to keep yourself socially relevant. Once you write on some one's wall they have to read it, acknowledge your existence, and read what's on your mind. Anyways, I've decided to chew some nicorette gum to see if it can help keep me off facebook for a while...so we'll see how that goes.
Trapped in a Squash court
For those of you who are wondering what squash is, it is some sort of game that you play with a tennis racket and a croquet ball, slightly different then Jai Lai which is played by the most interesting man in the world (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2SSZA0CjdQ). Anyways I was chasing a bunny rabbit who happened to sneak into the St. Louis Priory gym the other day, and this Bugs Bunny wannabe happened to outsmart me getting me to chase him into the squash court before running out of the room, closing the door and locking me in. The ensuing post is an exact replica of the captain's log I recorded while leading the squash court through space like it was the US Enterprise.
6:03 P.M.-Jesus that bunny is fast and smart...he is the exact opposite of me
6:15 P.M.-The Bunny found a way to turn the lights on in the squash court, despite his lack of opposable thumbs, turning it into a wooden sweat box
6:23 P.M.-I am banging on the door screaming for help...at least 15 people walk by and decide they would be better people if they ignored me and left me stranded
6:38 P.M.-I try to punch a hole through the little plexi glass window on the door...somehow I completely miss and smash my hand against the stone door. My now fractured hand will limit my activity choices severely (oh get your head out of the gutter...my 9 year old cousin reads this thing)
6:47 P.M.-I decide to take my shirt off to wrap it around my other hand to attempt another ultimate punch through the plexi glass. I now have two broken hands, a bloody shirt and have lost a massive amount of weight due to this 82 degree heat.
6:59 P.M.-A group of super hot chicks walk by the court, and see me shirtless. Obviously they desperately want to come in there with me, but they can't figure out how to work the door. Is this a desert mirage type of effect in less then an hour of mild summer heat?
7:11 P.M.-We have a problem I need to use the bathroom...and the dumb ass architect of this squash court forgot to include one in his design. This guy is no Frank Lloyd Wright
7:19 P.M.-I haven't eaten in 4 hours and am very close to dying of starvation
7:26 P.M.-I see something 100 times better then a group of hot chicks...a 42 ounce porterhouse steak and a twice baked potato appear in the corner of the court. Another mirage, man this phenomenon happens quicker then I thought
7:38 P.M.-I find some athletic equipment in a closet. Included is a plyo box, which I quickly use to build a protective shelter. If I had a camera this would make an amazing episode of Survivor Man.
7:54 P.M.-I have started a whole new society in the squash court. A tennis racket will serve as my best friend and chief council. I name him Dunlap because I am as creative as Tom Hanks in Castaway.
7:59 P.M.-I hear a giant boom outside of the court. I am pretty sure it's a nuclear attack, but luckily I am hold up in this nuclear shelter. I will restart society with Dunlap and rebuild St. Louis from the ground up.
8:06 P.M.-The thermometer now reads 84.5 degrees...the heat is unbearable
8:08 P.M.-This heat has caused me to lose so much weight so I could now be a jockey in the Kentucky Derby
8:09 P.M.-I Pass out
11:58 P.M.-Wake up in Barnes-Jewish hospital badly sunburned and with 15 IV's of whiskey pumping through my veins (everyone knows whiskey is the best way to hydrate)
Big Ups and Text Update
My text messaging score is now at +52 (48-inbox, 44-sent, 0 texts from females...God I've got game). Why this update may leave you thinking my text life is dull and unsatisfying, I am pretty sure it's never been better. Me and my good friend Chris Beaty had the greatest text conversation of all time. We had a 30 text convo (between us) that was comprised strictly of quotes from Meet the Parents, including a complete line by line reenactment of the pool scene where Greg Focker spikes the volleyball directly into Deb's face (Jesus Christ Focker it's just a game). How do I know so many lines from meet the parents? Well let's just say I spent 3 days this winter locked in Rich Krajewski's room watching the HBO Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson underrated comedy channel. Included in my viewing pleasure (along with Meet the Parents) were film classics like You, Me and Dupree, Night at the Museum, Heartbreak Kid, Starsky and Hutch and Drillbit Taylor. These were arguably the greatest 3 days of my life (not only because of the films...I obviously took various naps in Rick's queen sized bed). My facebook popularity score is obviously hurting due to my 256 unreplied to wall posts. There are at least 9 people out there (don't want to name names), who would rather watch the movie College then speak/facebook me ever again. And I am pretty sure watching the movie College was a form of torture the Nazis used in World War II.
Big Ups has to go to Chris for his incredible knowledge of Ben Stiller movie quotes. Also, I got to give it to Richboy for moving in with Joe Davis' girlfriend Libby. I can't wait to leave college next year (notice I didn't say graduate because that will take at least another 4/5 years...insert appropriate Tommy Boy quote here), just so I can move in with Rich and Libby and we can replicate that TV show 2 guys and a girl...and I get to be Ryan Reynolds. Finally Conan O'Brien just told me that a company is coming out with a Bacon Flavored Vodka. I am not sure if it is a food or a drink...but either way I'm interested.
Back next week with my review of the most anticipated movie ever...Hangover
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
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