Dear Readers,
I am trying a new stratedgy towards blog writing that will hopefully revolutionize my writing, my social life and the entire internet. I am starting this blog at 12:19 P.M. on a Thursday afternoon, which is 12-14 hours earlier then usual. For those of you thinking "this won't change anything...you're still the same tool who sits alone in his parents basement and writes a blog that 9 people read," well I have news for you...this will change everything. The night is a very dark time for me, as it is for all bloggers (and everybody besides people in Alaska and guys with night vision goggles). We sit in the dark spending hours blogging our guts out about pretty meaningless and frivolous issues like the economic ramifications of GM's bankrupcy or the international fallout caused by North Korea's nuclear program. And these are the blogs that are well researched and thought out, while my blog is about shallow and fairly obvious observations about the people and world around me. How many bloggers are smooth with the chicks? How many bloggers have more then 2 friends? How many bloggers can sit in a crowded Buffalo Wild Wings and watch an NBA finals game without passing out because they have a more severe case of social anxiety then Zach Grienke? Besides myself, my hero Mark Titus, and former UNC legend Brendan Haywood (http://brendanhaywood.yardbarker.com/) there aren't too many bloggers out there who have those characteristics. That's why I am showing my fellow bloggers the light in this post...the light of day. I have become a dayblogger or the blogger version of Blade or a lesbian. I have all of a normal bloggers strengths (writing ability, incredible wit and an extremely large amount of free time I devote to writing words that may never be read) with none of their weaknesses (social anxiety...although I am pretty sure I am pretty anxious in most social situations). To my fellow internet writers here's a little tip...devote your afternoons to blogging and spend your nights on EHarmony trying to find a poor soul who can spend 10 minutes watching Battlestar Galatica with you...you'll be much happier, at least I am.
Kids These Days
I hate sounding like some sort of Walter Matheui esque grumpy old man, but kids these days just are not the same as they used to be. When I was a kid I was respectful and obedient to my elders. I never got in trouble (besides that time Wynton Witford punched me in the 6th grade and I somehow got suspended). I never talked back to my parents. I never lit off fireworks and TP'd anyones house. I never poked fun at the doofy kid who pissed his pants during our 4th grade science experiment. I never chastised a 6th grade social studies teacher for her incredible lack of knowledge on the Cold War. I never walked out of a St. Margaret of Scotland prayer service and yelled "this blows," to a group of nuns. I never stole my dad's cigars and smoked them every saturday night on the roof of my house. I never got caught by my grandmother explaining to my 8 year old cousin the scene in Road trip where Barry's grandfather has a boner and is showing the guys around his house. None of this ever happened because I was an honest and hardworking kid who was brought up the right way. I had a strong sense of right and wrong and wasn't afraid to let my conscience be my guide. I didn't have any of this high class technology like cellphones, the internet, or air conditioning because they weren't invented yet. Yeah I had basic cable, but there was no HBO and you can forget about Cinemax. I mean for a while I didn't even have ESPN 2. When I was bored my brother and I played basketball in the backyard for hours, until I realized I could never beat him and his endless taunting would end up in me getting the crap beat out of me everyday. This is the way kids were reared in the 1990's (and early 2000's) and it helped make me the man I am today, with his own internet web page.
But now a days everything is different. 4th graders are walking around school, talking on their Iphones like they're corporate executives. Middle schoolers devote their lives to myspace and facebook in a quest to become more popular. 6 year olds are becoming champions of games like Halo and Call of Duty, while at that age I was busy hitting bombs with Fred McGriff in MLB Baseball 1992 on my sega genises. Kids just don't have any respect for authority anymore. I was coaching football camp this week when a group of 5th graders wouldn't stop talking about farts as I was trying to teach them how to execute a perfect reach block. After a while I got so fed up with one young man I told him if he didn't shut up I was going to hold him down and fart in his face. How did this little 10 year old respond? By saying "I hope you didn't have beans for dinner....hahaha." I mean don't get me wrong, I was obsessed with farts as much as anyone at that young age, and I loved making jokes relating beans to human flatulence. But if a 300 pound, 21 year old told me he was going to fart in my face if I didn't shut up, I would be quiet as a mouse. I mean I would be like one of those Tibetan monks, I would never talk again. Kids these days also have no taste. Instead of watching classic Disney films like Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid, they watch new fangled movies like Up while having no respect for their predecessors. That's just not right.
Hangover...The Greatest Ever?
Here is a quick warning before I get started, this next section contains spoilers and jokes from Hangover, so if you somehow haven't seen it I highly suggest you skip over this part and also reevaluate your priorities in life. Hangover is the story of 3 fellas (Phil, Stu and Allen) and their quest to discover their long lost friend Doug (the white one), and remember what happened to them the night of Doug's bachelor party. Forgetting what happens the night of a bachelor party and losing the groom? Simple enough. This is an event I hope has happened to every man over the age of 25, and hopefully I will be a part of this more then once. However, there are several elements in the film that make Hangover rise above the normal stripper laden bachelor party humor and push it into the elite of hilarity. First of all it takes place in my favorite place in the world...Las Vegas, Nevada. If you haven't been to Las Vegas you life has yet to become complete. It is the city where dreams come true, where blackjack and craps tables can rise you up to your highest level of elation. It is the place where Wayne Newton's voice gently serenades you as you wine and dine with the biggest closet coke heads the business world has to offer. It is the place where 62 year old men are seen with 22 year old women, and it is assumed they are husband and wife instead of father and daughter. It is the place where lights guide you through a 1 mile strip of road that includes such recognizable wonders of the world as Eiffel tower, the space needle and the pyramids of Egypt. Basically Las Vegas encompasses the best of the best you could discover while traveling throughout the entire world, and fits it into 12 casinos that are all within 2 miles of each other.
Another thing that pushes Hangover into the creme de la creme of modern comedy is the film's inclusion of every possible thing that interests me. Every regular reader knows the passion that I have for casinos, especially the ones in Vegas. The casinos in Vegas aren't the same as those run by Indian tribes in the boothills of Wisconsin, but instead shrines built for people with intense gambling problems that force them to lose massive quantities of their income (like me). Vegas casinos are the only places in the world where you can feel like a high roller whether you are gambling 25 cents a clip at the slot machines or dropping $500 bets with Marc Bulger at the blackjack table, probably because of the free drinks, cigarettes, ham sandwiches and ballpoint pens that are handed out like candy on halloween. Throw in a Rain Man/21 gambling montage, Mike Tyson and his tiger, Heather Graham breast feeding and Andy Bernard losing a tooth, and you have a classic comedy that I feel was written for the express purposes of satisfying my cinematic needs. Finally throw in comedy trio of Bradley Cooper (Sack Lodge/Phil), Ed Helms (Andy Bernard/Stu), and Zach Galifiankis and you have wittiest set of triplets in a movie since Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson redefined comedy in Old School. However, The Hangover has a subtly that even a classic film like Old School lacks, which almost enhances every punchline. Despite the outlandish plot twists, the characters don't try as hard to be something they are not as their Old School counterparts, and play their respective roles to perfection. As crazy as Allen is, he has a genuine understanding of his respective shitstorm that Frank the Tank lacks. As sarcastic an asshole as Phil may play, he has a real concern for his situation that Beanie doesn't. As worried and bitchy as Stu becomes, he gladly pours over his savings to help get the group out of its troubles, a step you feel like Mitch would fight in Old School. I am not saying The Hangover surpasses arguably the defining comedy of my generation in Old School, but it seems more realistic and even understated, and that helps the film find its niche in the great comedies of the past decade.
Text Updates and Big Ups
I will keep this short and sweet due to the gigantic length of this post. My current text score is +83 (64-inbox, 46-sent, 1 from a female). For those of you who have sent me texts strictly to improve my score, you may be expecting me to tell you to stop because I hate pity texts and they are an insult to my dignity. However, that statement could not be more untrue. I want your pity...and more importantly I need it. If you want to send me a text for the sole reason of improving my text message score, please feel free. If you want to treat me like the smelly kid in 3rd grade and hang out with me simply because I have no friends and you'll feel better about yourself if befriend a complete loser...that would also be awesome.
I have a couple of special big ups to extend in this edition. First goes to my main man Paddy Cakes for telling me how the little girls in his soccer camp booed him for referencing the Disney classic The Little Mermaid, claiming that current animated films like Up are vastly superior. The second one goes to Laura Toth, a Beloit College student I have never met. Despite me never once speaking to her, or knowing her at all, she has become an avid follower of the blog and wrote some great encouraging words on my facebook wall. Congrats Laura, you are a true fan of this important form of media and have honored yourself, your family, the Beloit College community and technology as a whole by your acceptance of this internet phenom.
Finally I am starting two new contests. First, I am selecting administrators in the Sack Artist facebook group so, if you're interested, please submit your application via facebook, text or email. Secondly, if you have a question for the Sack Artist or a possible topic of discussion please email me at poelkerz@gmail.com or send me a facebook message. Hopefully I get at least one reply. Finally check out the website that has changed my life and my basketball abilities (http://www.getyourbasketballon.com/dvd/)
Back soon with all you can eat scrimps's's
In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"
Another
No comments:
Post a Comment