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NFL Hall of Fame 2011...Who Should be In?

Well Super Bowl Sunday is here, and it’s time for our nation to indulge in our annual glutton fest with liquor and fried food. But, while the rest of America will be paying attention to Bud Light commercials and the special episode of Glee Fox is televising after the game (Glee following what’s supposed to be the manliest sporting event of the year? That’s just not right), I’ll be focusing on football…and it will have nothing to do with Troy Polamalu/Clay Matthew’s hair or Ben Roethlisberger skeeting in his pants on the podium while accepting the Lombardi Trophy. No, I’m all about the history of the game this weekend.

On Saturday the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Board of Electors will meet to decide the inductees in the institution’s class of 2011. The Pro Football Hall of Fame selecting process is both simple and inefficient now that the 15 modern era finalists for induction have been selected. The 44-person selection committee will vote on each candidate. A candidate needs 80% of the votes to be elected. However, no more then 5 modern era nominees can be inducted. Why cap it and leave deserving players waiting in the wind (especially at such a low number like 5)? That I don’t know, but I do know there are some hard decisions to be made by the Board of Electors this weekend.

I had a difficult enough time whittling my list down to five, but before I explain my decisions let’s take a look at the criteria I used to differentiate the finalists.

1) Comparison Against Peers-This is the first and most important criteria when judging player’s accomplishments (especially when considering players from different eras). Basically it is important to be the “best,” or close to the best, player of your time (both at your position and as a whole). This is determined through both a subjective and objective analysis of your career.

The most obvious example for this is at the wide receiver position. Changes in both the games’ rules and the style of play in the NFL have led to a proliferation of passing in the league, and of course that has led to a gigantic jump in receiving statistics. Add in the longer seasons and careers that are enjoyed by players today, and it becomes impossible to objectively judge today’s receivers against their predecessors in different eras.

For example let’s look at Andre Reed, one of three receivers who is a finalist for induction this weekend. Reed played 13 seasons with the Buffalo Bills ending his career 951 catches (10^th all time), 13,198 receiving yards (11^th) and 87 receiving TDs (12^th all time). Those statistics are impressive enough, but if you transplanted Reed’s career into the 1960’s and 1970’s, those stats would have caused the NFL record book to rip to shreds. You can’t compare Reed to Fred Biletnikoff or Lance Alworth, at least not statistically, so it’s important that you compare Reed subjectively and objectively to his peers to gauge whether or not he is worthy.

This is where the subjective measure comes in. Peers can’t be compared solely through statistical analysis. For instance Reed ranks higher then one of his contemporaries, hall of fame receiver Michael Irvin, in almost every statistical category. Reed has more catches (951 to Irvin’s 750), yards (13,198 to 11,904) and TDs (87 to 65). Since they played in the same era does that statistical dominance make Reed a more deserving hall candidate? It can certainly be argued, but I would say no. Subjectively watching the two play, I think Irvin was superior.

While that may be an argument for a different day, it helps to explain my thinking. First take the athlete and put him in context. Once I did that, I then measured (through both objective and subjective measures) how good the player was when compared to the other players of their time.

2) Comparison As a Whole-After judging the athlete against his peers, then you can judge him against the rest of league history. Reed once again proves as a perfect test case for this theory.

Reed was never, at any point in his career, the best receiver in the game. Really in my opinion he was never even solidly in the top 5. I also don’t seem to be the only one to hold that judgment, since Reed was never voted as a 1^st All-Pro (meaning he was never considered to be a top 2 receiver in any season he played in the league…although he twice made the 2^nd team). While I don’t blindly trust all-pro voting when evaluating a player, it’s still has to be a strike against the player that he was never truly considered “elite” during his playing years.

However, there could be several reasons for this. First Reed was playing in an extremely talented era of NFL receivers. Yes the statistic jump was largely due to rule and strategy changes in the league, but it was also due to a supplement of talent at the skill positions. Jerry Rice (arguably the greatest player ever, but that again is an argument for another day), Tim Brown, Cris Carter, Henry Ellard, Irving Friar, Art Monk and Michael Irvin all entered the league within 5 years of Reed (everyone but Monk within 3). That list includes 7 of the top 25 players in all time receiving yards, 3 Hall of Famers and 2 almost certain future Hall of Famers. By 2012 there will be five Hall of Fame receivers who entered the league in Reed’s decade. Add the fact that Reed shared the later part of his prime with possible future Hall of Famers like Randy Moss, Isaac Bruce, Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens, Jimmy Smith, and Rod Smith (all entered the league by 1998, all but Moss by 1996) and it becomes easier to understand why Reed was never considered to be “elite” in his own time period.

But that doesn’t mean that Reed shouldn’t be inducted into the Hall. If Reed had never made an All-Pro team in an era of depleted talent at wide receiver, then that would make his case much simpler. But when taking into account the talent at the position during this time period, which is among the strongest for wide receiver talent in NFL history, Reed becomes a much more deserving candidate. It’s all a matter of weighing Reed’s performance against his peers then giving it some overall context in the league’s history by comparing the talent in his era to the talent at other points in the past.

3) Statistics-I am not a big fan of statistics as a pure measurement for Hall of Fame candidacy in the NFL. As I wrote earlier with more games and longer careers, statistics have become less and less reliable as a measuring stick in today’s game. They can inflate a candidate’s credentials, like they do (in a sense) with Reed and Jerome Bettis (I will write about this later).

However, there are some times when statistics can show how underrated a great player is, especially to the public. A perfect example of that is 2011 finalist Curtis Martin. Martin rushed for 14,101 yards (4^th all-time) and 90 touchdowns (12^th) on 3,518 carries (3^rd). He also scored 100 touchdowns when you combine his rushing and receiving totals (t-19). Add in 3 all-pro teams (2 1^st, 1 2^nd), 5 pro bowls, a rushing title (2004), and ten straight thousand-yard seasons to begin his career, and his credentials seem much stronger. If Martin hadn’t put up such a staggering statistical totals people might forget that he was consistently one of the top 4 or 5 running backs in the league for close to a decade.

Basically my point is that statistics can improperly inflate a hall of fame case, just as they can shed light on a player who might have been somewhat ignored. That’s why they are just a tool used in measuring a player’s greatness, and don’t ensure induction in the Pro Football Hall of Fame like they can in other sports (Baseball especially).

4) Versatility-This is the most forgotten aspect when judging great players. Does the player have any holes? Are there situations where he can’t be on the field? Or is he so exceptional that he plays every play and excels in all scenarios?

That is why Emmitt Smith is a better football player then Barry Sanders in my opinion (not a better pure runner). That is why Paul Hornung is a Hall of Famer and all-time great, instead of a very good running back on a great team. That is why I think Marshall Faulk was the greatest player in the history of football for 3-season period.

For a player’s versatility to matter you cannot just be adequate in every area. You have to be excellent in everything, or good at so many different things that you become great because no one else can do everything that you do. Look at Hornung, the man was one of a kind. He could run, catch, pass, block and kick. It was like he was Boobie Miles in Friday Night Lights cause he could do everything on the field (he could probably walk the dog, fill the gatorade cooler and paint your back porch too). Hornung was the most versatile player in NFL history and that’s why he’s in Canton. That’s why he was a game changer because of all the different skills he brought to the table.

5) Game Changing Skill-This is the opposite of the versatility argument, but it has the same principal. If you are so good at one aspect of the game that no one else can do it as well as you, then that is important. Take Devin Hester. When he hangs up his cleats he should be an easy Hall of Famer, the same way Hornung was…because he is a game changer. No one else can do what he does, or what he has done for several years. If you replaced Hester with any other kick returner in the league (besides maybe Brad Smith or Leon Washington) there would be a noticeable drop off that would affect Hester’s team negatively. And it has been that way consistently for almost half a decade.

That’s why Ray Guy should be in the hall of fame. Not only did he bring an almost revolutionary ability to the game (I’ll take about this later), but also if he was replaced by an other punter the drop off could not be ignored. And that was a consistent fact for years in the 1970’s.

Being the best at a certain aspect of the game isn’t enough however, as you could have gathered from what I wrote about Hester and Guy. For instance the Bear’s long snapper Patrick Mannely has an important skill, one that earns him a roster spot in the NFL. But, even if he is the best long snapper who has ever lived, if you filled his spot with any other NFL long snapper the possible drop off in skill would probably not diminish the Bear’s chances at winning. Replacing Hester and Guy with any contemporary would hurt their team significantly, just like replacing Hornung with someone who couldn’t do everything that he did would have.

6) Consistency-A lot of players peak in the NFL then fizzle. They might meet some of the criteria laid out, being elite amongst their peers, or being able to do things no one else could, but how long did they do it for. Having that peak is important, but it’s also important to consider how long they were great. Brian Sipe may have won the NFL MVP award, but his short time as an “elite” level player certainly doesn’t qualify him to be a Hall of Famer.

Look at Kurt Warner, who had arguably the greatest three years a NFL quarterback has ever had from 1999-2001, but then fizzled due to injury issues and a messy divorce with the St. Louis Rams. If Warner had never returned to being an elite level quarterback with the Arizona Cardinals, would he be a Hall of Fame worthy player? Off three years? No way. He needed to give his career some consistency and prove he was still an elite player to meet a Hall of Fame threshold, and that’s exactly what he did. Every candidate has to have some level of consistency, like Warner eventually did, to prove they are truly worthy. Two or three years, as good as they might be, just aren’t enough.

7) Revolutionary Ability-This is someone with skills or ability that revolutionize the way the game is played. For instance look at Bob Hayes, the Hall of Fame wide receiver for the Cowboys. If you look at his career statistics or consistency as an elite player, he doesn’t quite meet the standards. But, when you consider that his speed changed the way the wide receiver position was played (thus changing the entire shape of NFL offenses by becoming such a threat in the vertical passing game), that unique combination of skill and timing allowed him to change the NFL and earn a spot in the Hall of Fame.

Usually this revolution ability comes from a player who otherwise would be in the Hall. For instance Lawrence Taylor (without a doubt the greatest defensive player of all time) changed the way defense was played in the NFL with his unique abilities. He revolutionized the 3-4 defense, and was the first true “rush end” in the league’s history. Now someone with Taylor’s resume (9x 1^st Team All-Pro, 10 Pro Bowls, 3 defensive player of the year awards, 1 NFL MVP) would easily be a Hall of Famer even if he wasn’t the first player in the league history who could do what he did. However, if Taylor hadn’t changed the NFL, would he be the best defensive player ever? I don’t know, but I do know that being the first makes you better…just a simple fact.

8) Being a Winner-This especially comes to play in quarterbacks. It’s the reason why guys like Terry Bradshaw and Troy Aikman are clear cut hall of famers even though you may just look at their stats and think Boomer Esiason or Dave Krieg were just as good. Being a winner matters, especially when you are a driving force behind championship teams.

However, this doesn’t only apply to quarterbacks. There have been several players who became dynamic forces on championship teams and legitimized themselves as hall of fame candidates. Look at Lynn Swann. The guy has below average statistics for a hall of fame wide receiver, and had a short peak as an elite level player (just 3 pro bowls and all-pro selections), but he was such a force for the Steelers dynasty that he became a hall of famer by helping driving a champion. He made big plays in big games, and that’s why he earned a spot in Canton.

Now let’s take a look at how I ranked this year’s finalists. Remember a maximum of five modern-era players can get in (and a minimum of 2-although that shouldn’t be an issue this year), so even though there are others I think deserve induction, they technically wouldn’t be if my rankings were the deciding factor.

Locks

1. Deion Sanders, CB, 1989-2000; 2004-2005

-53 Ints, 9 TDs, 6 Punt Return TDs, 60 catches for 784 yards and 3 TDs

-NFL Defensive Player of the Year (1994), 6x 1^st Team All-Pro (1992-94, 1996-98), 2x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1991, 1999), 8x Pro Bowl Selection (1991-94, 1996-99), 1990’s NFL All Decade 1^st Team, 2x Super Bowl Champ (1994 49ers, 1995 Cowboys)

Arguably the great cover corner who has ever lived, Sanders is a no brainer. His unique coverage skills and speed help change NFL defenses, as team after team started searching for that “shutdown” corner. Judge him against any criteria and his case is obvious. He was considered the best defensive back (if not defensive player) of the 1990’s, and could go down as the greatest corner in the history of the league. His versatility as a kick returner and receiver made him more valuable then almost any other defensive player of his time. He may not have been the greatest tackler ever, but he did more then enough other things well to make up for that flaw. An easy selection, I’d be shocked if he didn’t get unanimous support from the board.

2. Marshall Faulk, RB, 1994-2006

-2,836 carries for 12,279 yards (10^th all-time), 4.3 yards per rush, 100 rushing TDs (t-7^th), 767 catches, 767 receiving yards, 36 receiving TDs, 136 total touchdowns (t-7^th), 19,154 yards from scrimmage (4^th)

-NFL MVP (2000), 3x NFL Offensive Player of the Year (1999-2001), NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year (1994), 3x 1^st Team All-Pro (1999-2001), 3x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1994-95, 1998), 7x Pro Bowl Selection (1994-95, 1998-2002), 1x Super Bowl Champion (1999 Rams)

It was painful for me to decide between Faulk and Sanders for the top spot, but either way both should be sure-fire selections. Faulk was a great player with the Indianapolis Colts, but once he moved to St. Louis he became one of the best to ever don a uniform. You have to understand that for a three-year period Faulk was the greatest player in the history of the NFL, and I don’t say those words lightly. He was the most important player in one of the greatest offenses in the league’s history. Take a second and listen to some of these stats and achievements by Faulk. First Marshall is the only player in NFL history with 12,000 rushing yards and 6,000 receiving yards. His 19,154 yards from scrimmage are fourth in NFL history (behind just Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Walter Payton). His 136 total career touchdowns rank seventh. His 767 receptions are second all time by an NFL running back (behind fullback Larry Centers). Oh yeah, and he is one of just two players in league history to win the Offensive Player of the Year Award three times (the other is Earl Campbell). So by any measurement Faulk ranks with just about any player in league history. Plus he was the definition of versatility. He could run outside, run inside, run in short yardage/goal line situations, catch better then any back ever out of the backfield, and was also a terrific pass blocker. He played every play, in any situation, and excelled. Compare him to his peers or compare him to any running back ever, there’s still no debate. Anyone who votes against him shouldn’t be invited back to Canton.

Should Be Locks

3. Shannon Sharpe, TE, 1990-2003

-815 catches, 62 TDs, 10,060 receiving yards

-4x 1^st Team All-Pro (1993, 1996-98), 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1995), 8x Pro Bowl Selection (1992-98, 2001), 1990’s NFL All-Decade 1^st Team, 3x Super Bowl Champion (1997-98 Broncos, 2000 Ravens)

This is Sharpe’s second year on the ballot and I cannot believe he didn’t make it last year (although that class might have been more loaded then this one). Sharpe is the greatest receiving tight end in NFL history (possibly excluding active players Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates in the future). Read that again, the greatest receiving tight end in NFL history. There is no doubt about it, whether you used stats or your own two eyes. Sharpe excelled on almost every criterion I listed earlier. He was the best tight end of his time, he had the best stats, a great peak, an incredible level of consistency, and some versatility as well (he blocked well enough to help Terrell Davis win an NFL MVP and rush for more then 2,000 yards). He didn’t revolutionize the game like Ozzie Newsome, Kellen Winslow, Dave Casper or the great receiving tight ends before him, but he did take the skill to an art form. The most unfair part of the process is that many voters consider Sharpe to be a wide receiver, which is ridiculous to me. He was absolutely a tight end, and his woes as a blocker were extremely overblown. He may not have been overpowering, but he blocked pretty well in Denver's zone system and didn't come off the field in running situations. Share may be a terrible TV analyst but he was a great player, and he should be a slam-dunk Hall of Famer.

4. Willie Roaf, OT, 1993-2005

-6x 1^st Team All-Pro (1994-96, 2003-05), 3x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1997, 2000, 2002), 11x Pro Bowl Selection (1994-2000, 2002-2005), 1990’s NFL All Decade 1^st Team, 2000’s NFL 2^nd Team

Often forgotten because of the three-headed monster that came behind him at left tackle (Jonathan Ogden, Orlando Pace and Walter Jones) that changed the game forever, but Roaf’s credentials can’t be ignored. Roaf was kind of a precursor to the big 3, and when you consider his longevity and consistency his career could rank right up with any of them. Roaf was not only an all-pro before these guys came along, but he was one after they were established as well (including beating some of them on voting at times). 9 1^st or 2^nd Team All-Pros, 11 Pro Bowls, twice making an all decade team. I mean how can you argue with that. You could also argue that Roaf was the true “franchise left tackle,” even if he came along just before that term really started to mean something in the NFL. No matter how you judge him, Roaf was among the best of his time, among the best ever, and had an incredible run of consistency. He may not actually be a lock, but he should be.

Unquestionably Should be In (but 5 player limit hurts)

5. Tim Brown, WR, 1988-2004

-1,094 catches (4^th all-time), 14,934 receiving yards (4^th), 100 receiving TDs (t-6^th), 105 total touchdowns (t-16)

-1x 1^st Team All-Pro as Kick Returner (1991), 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1997), 9x Pro Bowl Selection (1988, 1991, 1993-97, 1999, 2001), 1990’s NFL All Decade 2^nd Team

This is were it really gets interesting (because I think the previous four should undoubtedly be voted in) as the race heats up for the fifth spot. In my opinion it’s between Brown and Carter (who should have been elected three years ago). A sensible move for voters would be to put Carter ahead of Brown, since this is only Brown’s second year on the ballot, and let Tim wait another year or two like Carter had to. But that is not how I view it. I am trying to distinguish who I would vote for based solely on the criteria listed above, not based on who was gotten snubbed in the past. First, both should be no brainer Hall of Famers. Brown’s only problem may be his lack of distinction verse his peers (just one all pro team as a receiver, and a second team at that, although Carter didn’t really rack up all pro teams either). But when you consider the middling offenses Brown was playing on for much of his career, what he did becomes much more impressive. His consistency is incredible as Brown recorded nine straight thousand-yard seasons from 1993-2001. Add in Brown’s versatility (he was a great kick and punt returner earlier in his career) and Brown’s case becomes even more obvious. I give Brown the edge over Carter because of his versatility and a slight subjective judgment that he was the better player (more of a game changer then possession receiver). In case you were still doubting Brown’s resume, listen to the legendary Pat Summerall who called Brown “the greatest football player he’s ever seen,” at the Cotton Bowl this year. Hard to argue with that.

6. Cris Carter, WR, 1987-2002

-1,101 catches (3^rd all-time), 13,899 receiving yards (8^th), 130 Receiving Touchdowns (4^th), 131 total touchdowns (8^th)

-2x 1^st Team All-Pro (1994, 1999), 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1995), 8x Pro Bowl Selection (1993-2000), 1990’s NFL All Decade 1^st Team

Carter was inexcusably left out off the Hall in his 1^st year of edibility in 2008. He was again left out in 2009 and 2010. The more you watch the more you think the Hall is playing some sort of joke on Carter, trying to punish him for his sketchy past (drug problems early in his career) or something. You could easy flip Brown and Carter, but both have to be considered deserving. As I said earlier, I think Brown was better then Carter by the smallest of margins (due to his versatility as a returner and being more of a game breaker as a receiver), but this is where the limit gets me because Carter shouldn’t even still be on the ballot. Unfortunately if I were deciding he’d unfairly get left off again. How do you leave someone with 1,100 catches and 131 career touchdowns out for a fourth time? How do you ignore someone so consistent that he put up eight straight 1,000 yard receiving years? I don’t care what era he played in, or if those stats are inflated, because I saw the man play…and he was every bit that good. I have no problem if he gets in over Brown, but no matter how you judge the Brown/Carter debate any reasonable person has to think it’s ridiculous that both probably won’t be enshrined this season (or that they aren’t enshrined already).

Should Be In (But won’t make it with the maximum)

7. Curtis Martin, RB, 1995-2005

-3,518 carries (3^rd all-time), 14,101 rushing yards (4^th), 90 rushing TDs (t-12^th), 17,430 yards from scrimmage (8^th), 100 total touchdowns (t-19)

-1x NFL Rushing Champion (2004), 1995 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, 2x 1^st Team All-Pro (2001, 2004), 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1999), 5x Pro Bowl Selection (1995-96, 1998, 2001, 2004)

Martin is such a deserving hall candidate, I find it hard to leave him on the outside looking in (hypothetically). As I wrote earlier, Martin’s statistics show how underrated he is, at least to public. However, it’s still not enough to rely solely on Martin’s stats alone to legitimize his candidacy. I saw Martin play, and he was a tough, tough runner. He could go outside, but he loved to bang between the tackles. He was an adequate receiver, and could pick up the blitz, making him a true feature back that played every-down. Martin was also an absolute workhorse, logging the third most carries in NFL history and topping 300 attempts in 8 of his 11 seasons. His production was also incredibly consistent throughout his career, rushing for over a 1,000 yards in each of his first ten seasons (one of only two players, along with Barry Sanders, to rush for 10,000 yards in his first 10 seasons). Martin also had a true peak where he was undeniable one of the game’s best backs through any subjective measure (1999-2004 he was one of the top 3 or 4 consistently). I think Martin is a deserving candidate, but it would not surprise me to see him miss the cut this time. However, his credentials cannot be ignored, and he should be voted in sooner rather then later.

8. Chris Doleman, DE, 1985-1999

-150.5 sacks (4^th all-time), 914 tackles, 8 Ints, 2 TDs

-3x 1^st Team All-Pro (1987, 1989, 1992), 2x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1990, 1993), 8x Pro Bowl Selection (1987-1990, 1992-93, 1995, 1997), 1990’s NFL All Decade 2^nd Team

How is this guy not in the Hall of Fame yet? And because of this ridiculous 5 player maximum, he might not get in yet again. This guy had 21 sacks in 1989. He had 14.5 sacks in 1992, and 15 sacks in 1997. How’s that for longevity. Also consider that he recorded double-digit sacks 8 times (including 5 other seasons where he topped 7.0 sacks). Doleman is a model of consistency that stood out among his peers as one of the best of a very competitive era. I mean the only reason he was 2^nd team all decade on the 1990’s team is because there were two other defensive ends named Reggie White and Bruce Smith. Maybe you’ve heard of them. Add in the fact that Doleman retired after the 1999 season, where he still recorded 8 sacks, and there was really no really serious decline in his game. Unbelievable. His time has got to be coming, although I don’t think it will be 2011.

9. Cortez Kennedy, DT, 1990-2000

-58.0 sacks, 568 tackles, 3 Ints

-NFL Defensive Player of the Year (1992), 3x 1^st Team All-Pro (1992-94, 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1996), 8x Pro Bowl Selection (1991-1999), 1990’s NFL All Decade 1^st Team

Like Brown and Carter, you could flip Doleman and Kennedy. I went with Doleman because of his tremendous consistency and longevity, but Kennedy is really just as deserving. First of all Kennedy’s 1992 season was one of the best ever enjoyed by a defensive player of the year. 92 tackles, 14 sacks and 4 forced fumbles for a defensive tackle? Unbelievable. But Kennedy was far from a one-year wonder. You could easily make the argument that Kennedy was the best defensive tackle in the NFL for the better part of the decade in the 1990's (apologies to 2010 Hall of Fame inductee John Randal). Here is another thing that made Kennedy so great, he played in every situation. He wasn't just a passing rushing DT or a run stuffing nose tackle. He was an athletic monster who never left the field and excelled in every situation, and that's what is so rare about him as a defensive tackle. I mean the guy played more then 90% of his snaps for his first six seasons, and that is just unheard of for an interior defensive lineman. Consider this since stats became an official stat (in 1982) Kennedy is one of only two defensive tackles with 150 starts, 50 sacks and 8 pro bowls (the other is hall of famer Randy White). The more I write about the guy, the higher I want to put him on the list. He dominated consistently, stood out among his peer group, and is still recognized as one of the greatest and most complete interior defensive lineman ever. He should be a hall of famer, but like many other deserving candidates, he probably won’t be getting the call in this class.

10. Dermontti Dawson, C, 1988-2000

-6x 1^st Team All-Pro (1993-98), 7x Pro Bowl Selection (1992-1998), 1990’s NFL All Decade 1^st Team

The unsung candidate in this class, Dawson probably should have already been enshrined. I mean six straight 1^st team all-pro selections, seven straight pro bowls and a spot on the 1990’s All Decade Team are some pretty good credentials. The problem? Dawson played an under recognized position. While he was clearly the best center in the league for close to a decade, he was never given the credit he was due. It was like a forgone conclusion that Dawson was the league’s top center so no one ever really analyzed how good he really was. When comparing Dawson to his peers, he dominated his era at the center position as much as anyone in modern football (who else was unequivocally the best center in the league for 6 straight seasons?). He clearly deserves a spot in Canton. I hope the voters take the time to consider his resume, even if I wouldn’t quite put him in the top five of this group.

Deserving (but not quite worth top 5 consideration)

11. Jerome Bettis, RB, 1993-2005

-3,479 carries (4^th all-time), 13,662 rushing yards (5^th), 91 rushing touchdowns (t-10^th), 15,111 yards from scrimmage (18^th), 94 total touchdowns (t-22^nd)

-1993 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, 2x 1^st Team All-Pro (1993, 1996), 1x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1997), 6x Pro Bowl Selection (1993-94, 1996-97, 2001, 2004), Super Bowl Champion (2005 Steelers)

Bettis is a beloved NFL runner, but clearly the third most deserving of the three running backs. The bus may have been incredibly popular with fans and the media, but in reality he was just a very solid back who’s durability allowed him to pile up gaudy statistics. That being said, you do have to give Bettis credit for his longevity and consistency. Eight thousand-yard seasons is nothing to sneeze at. But how did he distinguish himself? He was a three-time all-pro, but when would you consistently call him an elite running back? He was a tough runner, a workhorse who toted the rock a lot, but is that enough to be in the hall? He had a mediocre yards per rush average (3.9, below the adequate 4.0 of Martin, in less carries), was a below average receiver, and had to come off the field in third down situations. Bettis’ career numbers are great, his consistency is impressive, and he did get some accolades that could lead you to believe that he was an elite level performer in his prime. But, in my opinion, he didn’t do enough to separate himself beside carry the ball a lot…and that just isn’t quite enough in a class this loaded. Bettis time will probably come, but there are better candidates out there right now.

12. Andre Reed, WR, 1985-2000

-951 catches (10^th all-time), 13,198 receiving yards (11^th), 87 receiving touchdowns (12^th), 88 total touchdowns (t-33^rd)

-2x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1989, 1990), 7x Pro Bowl Selection (1988-1994)

I was all over Reed’s case when discussing my criteria, and incase you couldn’t tell I think he falls just short. And, like Bettis, I think a big part of his problem is the two other finalists who happened to play his position and are clearly better candidates. I know Reed made as many all-pro teams as Tim Brown, but the 1990 selection was especially weak (945 receiving yards, 8 TDs. A good year but not all-pro material). Reed had a couple of very good seasons (1989 and 1994) without ever really having a monster year. He has great longevity (12 out of 13 seasons with 700 or more receiving yards) and good consistency, but he lacked a real elite-level peak. The career stats he accumulated just aren’t enough to differentiate himself in my opinion, especially if you combine them with a subjective assessment of his play (Rice, Brown, Carter, Sterling Sharpe at his peak and Irvin were all considered the better receivers during the time period). I know I said Reed played during the most talent filled era for receivers in NFL history, so I do still think he has a shot at getting inducted even if he was never one of the truly great receivers during his era. However, just like Bettis, there is just no way he is deserving in this class.

13. Charles Haley, DE, 1986-1999

-100.5 sacks (t-23^rd all-time), 485 tackles, 2 Ints

-2x 1^st Team All-Pro (1990, 1994), 5x Pro Bowl Selection (1988, 1990-91, 1994-95), 5x Super Bowl Champion (1988 and 1989 49ers, 1992, 1993 and 1995 Cowboys)

Haley is an interesting candidate, with a short (but dominating peak) that resulted in solid statistics and a good overall resume. The guy was one of the league’s elite defensive players when he was at best (16.0 sacks in 1990, 12.5 in 1994), but is there enough consistency there? Haley did reach double-digit sacks five times, but there were times when his production dropped so significantly that I don’t think he can possibly make the cut in this class. However, Haley’s most compelling support comes from being a winner. The guy was a legitimate force for five super bowl champions, and was a monster when the game was on the line. That’s why I would vote for Haley in a different year, but I just couldn’t do it here (although I don’t actually have a vote).

14. Richard Dent, DE, 1983-1997

-137.5 sacks (t-6^th all-time), 671 tackles, 8 Ints

-Super Bowl MVP (1985), 2x 1^st Team All-Pro (1984, 1985), 2x 2^nd Team All-Pro (1988, 1990), 4x Pro Bowl Selection (1984-85, 1990, 1993)

Dent and Haley are two more candidates who easily could be flipped flopped and I wouldn’t argue. Dent, like Haley, had a heck of a prime recording 34.5 sacks in the 1984 and 1985 seasons. And unlike Haley, he delivered with consistency, reaching double-digit sacks eight times (in ten seasons between 1984 and 1993.) Dent also has the winner factor, as he was a terror on one of the greatest defenses ever with the 1985 Bears. His performance in the Bears’ Super Bowl victory that season was truly dominating as he recorded 2 sacks and 2 forced fumbles on his way to the game’s MVP. However I went with Haley over Dent because, fair or not, Haley did what Dent did (on a smaller scale) five times. Either way both Dent and Haley just don’t qualify for top five consideration in this class, so I don’t like their chances. Dent should have already been inducted, but in a strong class like this he just doesn’t merit consideration. And, like with so many other candidates that really is unfair.

Other

Ed Sabol, Contributor (Founder of NFL Films)

I refused to consider Sabol with the players, another ridiculous aspect of the Hall’s Selection process. Sabol should have been in the Hall the day he captured the Ice Bowl on film and crafted it into the kind of sports immortality that is passed on from generation to generation. The fact that only five players can be selected is frustrating enough, but how do you judge Sabol against them? How do you take away one of their spots for Sabol, or take away Sabol’s spots for one of them (in my ballot it’d be Tim Brown’s HOF spot)? This needs to be changed because either Sabol is going to be punished by the process, or the player whose spot he takes will be. Sabol’s induction should not count towards the limit at all, and with all he did for the league his bust should have been chilling in Canton already. Either way the process is unfair to him.

The Sack Finds Inspiration...In a Pizza Ride Along

Dear Readers,
I am back once again, only this time with some troubling news...but first the back story. It all starts with my viewing of the new film sensation The Social Network. If you haven't seen it I suggest you skip to the next section of my post, cancel any plans you have this weekend, and immediately make a trip to your local cinema so you can blask in the glow of those computer nerds and their story that makes everyone else feel stupid and poor. The film revolves around the story of Mark Zuckerberg the creator of facebook...and yes, he is Jewish. I am not telling you about Mark's ethnicity to be bigoted or hateful. I am not trying to imply that he is stingy with his $6.9 billion fortune or that he isn't very good at sports. In fact anyone who knows me knows this...I hate Jewish stereotypes and racial stereotypes of any sort. I am telling you this to illustrate how far Mr. Zuckerberg rose. In the film, the low-light of Mark's social life occurs in a fraternity house called A E Pie, or Harvard's Jewish frat. The frat is throwing a Caribbean themed soiree which looks about as fun as taping a sex video with Lady Gaga. It had to be one of the worst nights of Zuckerberg's night...but also one of the best. It gave him perspective. It made him yearn for more. It allowed him to point out the irony that there was a video of Niagara Falls used for decoration at a Caribbean themed bash. But, most of all, it drove Zuckerberg to succeed. It drove him to create his own media empire.

Mr. Zuckerberg may not have had this life altering experience if it weren't for his Jewish ethnicity. I recently had a similar experience, which I will discuss in the next section, that probably would have never happened if it weren't for my semi-alcoholism and undying passion for heart attack inducing fried food. And, while my life changing night may have been full of enthusiasm and glee instead of pain and suffering like Mark's, it will serve the same purpose. It will drive me to the same level of success. I am in the midst of forming a media empire of my own, one that will change the world the same way Mark Zuckerberg's did. That's why today I had to make a huge sacrifice to fulfill my destiny. I had to join Twitter. I know in previous posts I have derided Twitter, calling Tweets a glorified facebook status update. I understand that I accused Twitter of attempting to ruin my hermit lifestyle and set me up for a lifetime of contempt in the virtual world. I admit that the last thing I want is the 24/7 monitoring of my fairly mediocore life that a Twitter account will bring. But, in the end, it just had to be done. It was the next step on my journey. I had my Mark Zuckerberg/Caribbean themed life changing moment...and now its time to capitalize on it.

Getting Rides From Papa John
Now it's time to tell you all about the moment that will propel my life towards billionaire/movie material status. It occurred, as usual, in Beloit Wisconsin. While I was visiting the old alma mater for Homecoming, I decided to spend a night out drinking on campus. At about 2 A.M. I got really hungry and decided to do something about it. This is my story (insert Law n' Order music)

1:54 A.M.-I am walking into a party at Theta that will end in approximately 6 minutes. As I enter I am handed a condom. Funny side not, I will leave this condom in my shorts and my dad will find it while he is doing the laundry at my house. He will then ask me about it, creating one of the more awkward situations in my life. All because of a condom I had no chance of ever needing to open. So thanks, Theta. I graduate and you are still giving me contraceptive devices as a joke.

1:56 A.M.-I am in a massive dance party that suddenly feels like an awkward 8th grade dance. 4 months ago I would rock these parties harder than anybody, grinding my dick off on every chick within a 20 foot radius. Now I just feel old.

1:57 A.M.-I am clearly not the only person who thinks I am too old to be in this setting. Every person who walks past me is staring at me like I came straight from the nursing home after downing a bottle of Viagara. I look over and see Andrew Heer, who happens to be the exact same age as me. However, Drew came back to school to finish his student teaching this semester, and he is currently grinding on somewhere between 3-5 chicks. Guess he isn't too old for the college chicas.

1:59 A.M.-Start to think that maybe it isn't my age but my general disposition, appearance and attitude towards life that is repelling people away from me. I shrug it off.

2:03 A.M.-I leave the party and run into Tyler Isham. Usually I avoid Isham like the plague, but in my alcohol induced daze I decide it might be a good time to form an alliance with him.

2:04 A.M.-We decide that we are hungry and need food...and the only thing that will satisfy our appetites is Denny's.

2:05 A.M.-Isham and I are desperately looking for someone who can drive us to the Denny's in South Beloit. Unfortunately this is a college campus at 2 A.M. on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so there is a shortage of people who are able to drive us anywhere other then to a painful death at the bottom of a ditch on the Illinois/Wisconsin border.

2:06 A.M.-Carl Anderson offers to drive us. Carl is about 320 lbs. and will gladly risk his life for a short stack of pancakes and 4 sausage links. However, big Carl is also unable to stand at this point...so we look elsewhere.

2:12 A.M.-We see a Palermo's pizza delivery man dropping off some pies on campus. We know this guy might be sober so Isham asks him if he'll give us a ride. He says he will when he comes back for more deliveries. We get excited

2:19 A.M.-We are outside waiting for the Palermos guy to come back when we see a Papa John's delivery man making his rounds. Isham asks him if he will drive us and he looks at us like we are crazy. We then offer him 20 bucks and shockingly...he is in.

2:20 A.M.-We get in the car and the pizza guy starts cranking the loudest, craziest, Slip Knotiest rock music I have ever heard.

2:21 A.M.-The pizza guy is loving life. Isham asks him if this is what he does every night. He responds by saying all he does is "drive around, crank jams, eat pizza and smoke blunts."

2:23 A.M.-We are passing a citgo station where a couple of cop cars are sitting with their lights on. The pizza guy starts freaking out and yells "they've been after me all night! but they're not gonna catch me!"

2:26 A.M.-We pull up at a house where the pizza guy is making his final delivery before taking us to Denny's. We sit in the car for several minutes as a half-naked guy keeps retreating back into his apartment to scrounge up enough cash to get his pizza. I start to wonder if I am drunk or just in a crazy dream. Gooddamnit Inception really did mess up my mind.

2:29 A.M.-We leave the house and start heading towards our destination. Isham asks the guy if he ever has to make deliveries in the bad parts of town, and he says he does. He then says "you know what I do when I got to go to the hood? I turn on this," as he switches tracks on his CD and starts bumping the most ghetto Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg wannabe track you have ever heard. He then reaches into the back seat and grabs some sort of gigantic wooden club and says "this is my protection. One shot with this and they are done." I am now sure I am in a dream.

2:34 A.M.-We are driving on some sort of crazy back roads. I went to school for 4 years in Beloit, and it's not that big of a place. I thought I knew ever inch of that town by heart. But I have no idea where we are. At this point I am pretty positive this guy is going to take my $20 and kill us.

2:36 A.M.-We are driving 75 mph in a 35 mph speed zone. The pizza guy says "I can go as fast as I want. You think they can pull me over? Look at this (he points to the Papa Johns sign on top of his car) you think the cops are going to stop me with that on my car? You think they want cold pizza?" I don't know what's going on here.

2:37 A.M.-We make a swift right turn, still going super fast, and I spill the cup of water I brought with me all over the back seat. My butt gets super wet. It's not very comfortable.

2:40 A.M.-We get to Denny's and the pizza guy demands that I pay him his money now. We tell him we are getting the food to go, but he doesn't care. I give him the Jackson, but am sure he will just leave us trapped with a couple of grand slams in South Beloit.

2:41 A.M.-We order our food. I am not sure what Tyler gets, but I order a Denny's grilled cheese melt. If you don't know what this sandwich is, you need to learn. It is awesome. A grilled cheese stuffed with mozarella sticks...best idea a stoner ever had.

2:43 A.M.-We are sitting in the Denny's lobby, waiting for our food. If you've never been in the Denny's in South Beloit late on a Saturday night I suggest you check it out. They are enough unattractive strippers, hookers and white trash dudes wearing Packers sweatshirts (crew, not hoodies) and cut off jean shorts to wet any sex addict's appetite.

2:45 A.M.-The group that had ordered before us consists of two hideous black chicks and one gigantic black dude. It is clear that they are hookers and he is their pimp. One of the chicks, who is showing way too much skin for a black lady that resembles a young Ray Lewis with a severe addiction to pudding (she's rotund), starts to get infuriated by the wait and demands to leave. The pimp is not happy. Something tells me there is going to be a prostitution scene straight out of The Wire in the Denny's parking lot pretty soon.

2:46 A.M.-The lady told us it would take 15 minutes to get our food and we've only been waiting for 5. That doesn't stop the Papa John's guy from busting into the Denny's and demanding to know what is taking so long. Needless to say you get very embarrassed when a chubby stoner in a Papa John's uniform yells at you in a public place in front of about 50 strangers.

2:49 A.M.-We get our food and head back into the car to return to campus.

2:57 A.M.-We pull up to the Sigma Chi house and get out of the car. There are a bunch of people outside who have no idea why we just went for a drive-along with a pizza delivery guy.

2:58 A.M.-As we are getting out I trip over the cord that attaches the Papa Johns sign on the roof to the car's interior. The sign falls off the roof of the car and crashes into the street. I run as fast as I can into the frat house.

3 A.M.-I get into Isham's room and devour my food before falling into a deep, peaceful slepp. The end.

Big Ups and Text Update
The first, and most controversial, of my big ups has to go to Tyler Isham for his role in my pizza ride along. I know that Isham is not the most loved person in the world, he is really the Toby of the Sigma Chi house now that Andrew Reich has moved on, but he stepped his game up here and he deserves some credit. I would also like to thank anyone and everyone who spent some time with me at homecoming...I would list you but the names are numerous and I am afraid to leave somebody out. I would like to extend a big up to Derek Lovgren for really helping to inspire my interest in twitter (although he has yet to become my follower), Rich Krajewski for being my first twitter follower, and Danny boy Flynn for his tweet encouraging people to follow me and calling me a "twitter all-star." I also got to give a special big up to Nadia because the night before homecoming she asked to be mentioned in the blog and I said she could if she bought all my drinks for the night...and she obliged. Way to go Nadia...you stepped your game up kid. Finally the regular big up goes to my editor n' chief Charlie Schlafly for his diligent work correcting all my typos and grammatical mistakes.

My text score is currently sitting at +743 (536-inbox, 490-sent, 161-from females, 0-textuals) since I got my replacement phone on September 13th, and that's not too shabby for me. My facebook popularity score is also doing fairly well as I've had all kinds of notifications. My twitter game needs to step up although. Although I've only had an active account for about 18 hours I am still sitting at just 8 followers, and that will not get it done.So if you're reading this and are on twitter, have thought about joining twitter or know someone with an account become my follower and special the word about the new media super power I am building...if you don't you are just being selfish. Also I would like to announce that this is my final blog post using my blogspot url address. More on that coming very soon.

Back soon with a media empire update and some cool facts about tailgating in Columbia, MO.

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"

The Sack Inceptionalizes His 23rd Birthday

Dear Readers,
Since our last encounter I have witnessed something that will change my entire way of thinking and I hope you have too. Inception has changed my life, and if you have yet to observe it in all of its wonderous glory I suggest you go check it out at your local cinema immedieatly...and skip the rest of my introduction. It's not too often that a film piece will actually make me think. Sure 3 Ninjas rocked my world and had me wondering how that Asian guy from Karate kid had a completely white daughter and 3 lilly white grandchildren. But this is different. Inception has made me question my own understanding of reality. What is real? What's a dream? Has Leonardo DiCaprio really transformed from a young teenager with some form of mental retardation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6sLIP3908w) into the master of mentally devastating movies that are impossible to understand (Shutter Island now this...I am in a dream)? Who knows, but I remember all my dreams now. Every morning I wake up in a cold sweat still thinking I am in the middle of a dream where I just lost a race to Albert Haynesworth...what the hell does that mean? And have I ever really reached reality? I don't have a totem, so who the hell knows. But I do know this, if I am in someone else's dream, that they have me wearing the same pair of Nike basketball shorts an awful lot. There is no variety in my clothing...so switch it up man. Anyways dreamer, if you are after my idea for a Lifetime original movie starring Zac Efron as a 1920's male prostitute who sings showtunes while he's getting down with the ladies, then you're too late...cause I just told all 7 of my readers about it. So Sack 1, Guy whose dream I'm stuck in 0. So...can I wake up now?

Sack's Michael Jordan B-Day
This past Saturday I celebrated my 23rd birthday and hit the town with three of my best buddies. It was one of those nights where you are borderline blacked out and don't really think anything too crazy is happening. However, as I awoke on Sunday morning reality set in (If what happened was in fact reality), and as I slowly recollected the night before I began to understand just how hilarious it really was. Here is my good old fashioned journal entry for Saturday night-early Sunday morning.

4:15 P.M.-My good buddy Jimmy shows up at my house in a Pink St. Louis University Field Hockey shirt and hands me an anniversary card and a Big Gulp cup filled with Twilight trading cards and one of those giant dill pickles wrapped in plastic. Better then Christmas morning in my book.

4:27 P.M.-Jim and I are watching Hot Tub Time Machine to pass some time. The last time I saw this movie I was absolutely hammered in the Beloit Movie Theater and insisted I had this idea for a movie back in 2004 and someone had stolen it. Now I realize it was John Cusak snooping around in my dreams to revive his career. John...you son of a bitch.

4:31 P.M.-For some reason all the actors in Hot Tub Time Machine keep whispering "great white buffalo" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Sxxibos-I)...looks like Jimmy and I have our annoying catch phrase for the night.

7:48 P.M.-We are getting ready to go out to Dinner and Jim wears an all-white linen suit. Nice upgrade from that pink field hockey t-shirt he was rocking.

8:13 P.M.-I am out to dinner with Jimmy, my parents and two of my other good friends who are both named Joey (henceforth one will be referred to as Joey, the other will be called Scherer). The waiter asks me if I want to start with an ice water. I stare at him angrily determined to show him that even though I am 23, I can still party harder then ever. He brings me back a beer.

10:16 P.M.-By this time we are all sitting on my porch chugging Jim Beam and Smirnoff vodka. Well everyone besides my parents...my dad has 3 days worth of Law and Order reruns to catch up on saved to the old DVR. Man in about 30 birthdays my life really won't be that much fun.

11:41 P.M.-We each take one more chug from the liquor bottles before heading out to the bars. As we cheers on our shots we all let out a high pitch shriek that sounds like either a Aviatar war cry (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zyWnX1ccOQ) or a Velociraptor hunting call (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWGXwbeE4qU&p=0B984C1332155569&playnext=1&index=44). Looks like we all have our obnxious random yell for the night.

12:02 A.M.-We arrive at the Dubliner bar in downtown St. Louis. The bouncer examining my ID at the front door doesn't even mention it's my birthday...what a dick. Then I look at my phone and realize that it's after midnight and not really my birthday anymore. Well there goes the one day a of the year that I have friends.

12:31 A.M.-Me and Scherer are finishing our 6th round of shots when some random chick walks up to us and starts chatting. As we are talking she notices the bar stool next to her and announces that she is going to try and jump onto it. This bar stool is pretty high, maybe coming up to my waist, and I instantly know this is a terrible idea...so naturally I encourage the young lady to give it a try. She heeds my advice and does a two-feet jump onto the stool like it's a plyo box. She sticks the landing, but as she tries to stand up on the stool she loses her footing and starts to wobble. Scherer and I stand watching and laughing as three other dudes around her attempt to catch her before she falls...and fail. She hit the ground...hard. Luckily when she got up she thought it was as hilarious as we did.

12:37 A.M.-We all do another round of shots, yelling out our Aviatar cry the whole way. Everyone in the bar is staring at us.

12:42 A.M.-Scherer and I are standing behind two chicks ordering drinks at the bar. As they are finishing ordering Scherer slyly adds "and a whiskey and coke." As the bartender walks away the two chicks turn to us and say something along the lines of "what, is that your pick up line?" To which Scherer replies "no thanks...that's just my drinking line" as the bartender hands him his drink and he runs away. These chicks look at me like they are going to kill me, but if anything I should be mad at them, I mean they didn't even buy me a drink on my birthday...come on.

12:49 A.M.-Another shot, another Aviatar yell...more staring

12:56 A.M.-Joey and I are drinking and talking when a couple of ladies walk up to us. Of course I end up talking to the better looking one. As we are discussing the upcoming Julia Roberts film Eat Pray Love I turn and look back at Joey...who is going at it with the worse looking chick. I mean lips are locked, tounges are flying and nobody is coming up for air. The girl I am talking to ditches me to go join in. Just as Joey is inviting both of them out to his parents house in the suburbs for some skinny dipping I walk away...no one notices.

12:59 A.M.-I hook back up with Scherer who is guzzling his whiskey while some girl is talking him up. He clearly isn't interested and needs an out...I refuse to help. He is getting desperate just as he decides to go hard core and starts calling the girl "Snookie." I don't think I have ever seen anyone so offended...ever. I mean I am no Richard Nixon fan, but if someone called me "Dick" I wouldn't get all pissy. Congrats Snook, you have become famous and calling someone your name is the worse insult that can be levied against them. "Snookie" is now the most offensive word in the English language.

1:04 A.M.-We all do another round of shots and let out our 10th Aviatar yell. Some kid, who is clearly fed up by the constant shrieking that has been filling his eardrums for the past hour shouts "Hey Shut up." I walk right up to him and starting shrieking in his face. He leaves the bar. Best game I've spit all night.

1:08 A.M.-The group walks over to the balcony on the 2nd level of the bar. Just as we are watching the action going on downstairs some girl walks by our balcony spot and takes her shoes off, then stumbles to the nearby bathroom. We are all staring at the pair of white heels, when Scherer picks one of the shoes up and drops it off the balcony. It lands in a small crevace between a refrigerator and the wall, probably never to be found. We leave the other shoe sitting in its spot and walk away unnoticed. All I can think is how much worse it is to have one of your shoes stolen then two...that girl will always wonder what happened to that shoe, and why the other one went untouched.

1:22 A.M.-I stumble out of the 2nd floor bathroom and am walking down the stairs to meet my friends. Some chicks is also walking down the stairs and decides it would be smart to slide down the staris' railing. As she as she stars to slide she freaks out, leans to her right, and falls off the railing. Why are so many dumb chicks attempting crazy stunts and eating it around me tonight? Some people just can't handle my birthday...just like it's a Vegas bachelor party.

1:23 A.M.-I walk down the stairs to see some 30 year old chick sitting at a table with her friends...while at the same time getting a double trouble lap dance from Joey and Scherer. They are both rubbing their butts in her face when I start watching...and the chicks is loving it.

1:24 A.M.-Jimmy and I walk up to Scherer and Joey and tell them we are getting one more round of shots before we head out. They don't notice us. We start whispering "great white buffalo, great white buffalo." The chick whose face is currently in a butthole sandwich asks us why we keep saying that...I ask her why she wants to have a three way with two dudes who are both named Joey? She gets up and storms off extremely embarrassed. 2nd best game I've spit all night.

1:31 A.M.-We down our shots and our heading out of the door when we realize we have no money for the cab. Jimmy and I are about to head to the ATM when Joey says he's got it covered.

1:42 A.M.-The cab arrives at Harry's, our second bar of the night. Everyone besides Joey gets out...and he's furious that he has to pay for the cab. He tells me he is going to negotiate with the cabbie. What happened in the cab after that...you be the judge.

1:44 A.M.-I am walking into the bar when the bouncer tells me there is a $10 cover. I tell him it's my birthday, and ask him how much the cover is now...he tells me $10. There goes my budget for the night.

1:57 A.M.-Jimmy and I sneak into the VIP section. Harry's is the kind of bar where 30 year old business executives buy cranberry vodkas for 19 year old college co-eds with fake IDs, invite them into the VIP section and get turned down Ben Roethlisberger style (hopefully their manners are better) once the bar is closed and the free drinks end. And we get a front row ticket to all of this...well except the Roethlisberger stuff.

2:52 A.M.-We are getting kicked out of Harry's and we have a decision to make. In the St. Louis are there are only 2 places that are opened past 3 A.M. the casino or...the East side. We opt for the latter, and ask the cabbie to turn all our cash into $1 bills.

3:02 A.M.-We are in a cab crossing the Mississippi River into Illinois and the great metropolis of East St. Louis. We are riding in a van cab with me in the front seat, Jimmy and Joey in the middle row and Scherer sitting by himself all the way in the back. Apparently (I didn't find out about this till later) Scherer had to piss so bad that he just couldn't hold it. Scherer, not wanting to get uro misestous poisoning (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG6b7KJ1Ah0), decides he has to piss somewhere. So he lifts open the lid of the covered compartment near his seat (common in minivans, all the way in the back row next to the cup holders) and fills that bad boy up with his receyled whiskey (otherwise known as urine). No one knows this till he tells me some 4 or 5 days later.

3:14 A.M.-We arrive in East St. Louis at Larry Flint's hustler club. As we get out of the cab we notice a homeless man passed out drunk right next to the front door. This is what East St. Louie is all about...and I love it.

3:15 A.M.-We are walking in the front door when a Illinois state ranger comes up to us and informs us that we are too intoxicated and cannot enter the premise. Come on dude it's a strip club. It's Saturday night. It's after 3 in the morning. And we are in East St. Louis. Who isn't intoxicated at this point? I know those passed out, homeless bums are...I just stepped on them and they didn't even flinch.

3:19 A.M.-We go down the road to the Hollywood Club. We walk in the front door and learn there's a $10 cover. We all are paying, but Jimmy doesn't have any money and we all refuse to spot him. Jimmy tells the doorman that he will pay him tomorrow and just walks in.

3:21 A.M.-I understand why the club is so crowded...it's $7 beer night. This bud light I bought must be worth its wait in gold. Scherer asks the bartender for a glass of ice water and she tells him that will be $7. Long story short he threatens her with a class action suit if she makes him pay for his water...and he still goes thirsty.

3:54 A.M.-Joey is making it rain dropping $1 bills all over the club. I think Scherer passed out somewhere, hopefully for him in the private dance room. I can't find Jimmy anywhere. I am all alone and the Naked women are scaring me.

4:19 A.M.-I find Jimmy and he tells me quite an interesting story. About a half an hour earlier he decided he wanted to go home and thought walking the 10 miles across the Mississippi River to his apartment in the great state of Missouri was a good idea. He left the Hollywood Club and walked through a cornfield, where the husks destroyed his white linen suit. He somehow got out of the cornfield and ended up in the parking lot of Larry Flint's Hustler club, where we were previously denied entry. This time Jimmy snuck his way in, didn't pay his cover (once again telling the doorman he would pay him tomorrow) and had a drink in the club, only to be discovered by the state trooper that had kicked us out earlier. The trooper threw Jim out of the club and Jim hailed a cab and told the cabbie to take him home. However, as the cabbie was driving by the Hollywood Club Jimmy told him that he didn't have any money and he got thrown out of the cab ending up back in the strip club he had escaped earlier. Think this story is long, boring and tedious...well you're right. Had to be there I guess.

4:53 A.M.-Joey is still throwing money around all over the club when one of the dancers he's been wooing decides to take another guy back to the private dance room. Joey is instantly infuriated by this and proceeds to enter the private dance area while the stripper is giving her dance and pull her off the other dude's lap and out of the room. The next 5 minutes are some of the funniest of my life. The stripper is so pissed she is screaming right in Joey's face as Jimmy tries to calm her down. The stripper's client, some 65 year old farmer who is wearing overalls and weighs at least 300 lbs., is scared shitless thinking Joey is either the girl's psychotic boy friend or some religious crusader trying to show the stripper the light. Security is everywhere trying to get us out of the club, telling me and Scherer we better get our "tall friend" out of here before things turn physical. The doorman is yelling at Jimmy for not paying his cover (two separate times), while Jimmy tells him he'll "pay tomorrow" once again. This may be the best birthday of me life.

5:12 A.M.-We are waiting in the club parking lot looking for a cab. We have no money. No cabs take credit cards. It isn't safe to be standing outside in East St. Louis for this long.

5:24 A.M.-We are riding in the cab back home. I am sitting in the front seat when I hear some gagging from the back. I look back and see Joey puking all over the floor of the back seat of the cab. The cabbie doesn't say anything.

5:29 A.M.-We are in my neighborhood driving to my house. The cabbie decides to run each and every stop sign in order to get these drunk morons out of his cab as fast as he can. We pull up to my house and pay with a credit card.

5:42 A.M.-I lay in my bed and fall asleep. My birthday is now offically over. Thank God.

Big Ups and Text Updates
The first, and most obvious, big ups I would like to extend are to Jimmy, Joey and Scherer for helping me set the standard by which all other birthdays will now be measured. I also had several friends who have graduated college and fairly recently either secured or started a new job...so congrats to all of you new grown ups (not like that recently released movie...the worst Adam Sandler has ever made). I would also like to thank anyone and everyone who wished me a happy birthday via facebook, text or phone call. Finally I would love to give a huge big up to new Ram's quarterback Sam Bradford, who conicedentally signed the largest NFL contract in history on my birthday. Sammy we know you will be a star...and I am so damn proud of you. I will now make you my desktop wall paper on my computer.

My text score since my last post is currently sitting at +404 (332-inbox, 310-sent, 50 from females, 2 unresponded) which ain't too bad. My facebook popularity score on the other hand is getting massacred by the lack of replies to comments I make on people's statuses. So if I comment on your status and you just ignore it...that's just not right. Also I have a couple of new facebook games I will playing on various people throughout the next couple of weeks...so watch out.


In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"

The Sack is Back...but LeBron Isn't?

Dear Readers,

There probably aren't any of you left and with good reason. First, I would thank to thank any loyal followers who are still out there reading this pointless drivel. I know many of you are wondering where I have been for the past 9 or 10 months and why I have stopped posting. The answer is simple...I was relishing my last real chance to enjoy any and every aspect of my life, otherwise know as the Senior year in college. It was a glorious time, where the Busch Light and cheap whiskey flowed like an aged wine. Every nap was a little bit longer. Every bit of biscuits and gravy was a little bit tastier. Every blacked out night was a little more embarrassing. And of course, every ignorant and obnxious comment I made was a little more offensive and hurtful to someone other then myself. It was all I could ask for...and then some. I have hundreds of stories I could share with each and every one of you. I could tell you about Dan Flynn getting decked by a bald headed 40 year old in downtown St. Louis for simply asking the guy for a ride in his limo. I could enthrall you with my tale about how I vomited all over my Panama City Beach hotel room while my good friend Scramuel Booman was entertaining a female guest. I could even share with you my feelings and emotions while escorting International rap sensation DJ Unk across the greater Midwest region. I could do all those things, but I won't because that's a young man's game...and I am no young man. I am now a college graduate and one day might become part of the work force. I have 2 brothers and 2 parents to support. In 3 years I will have to buy my own health insurance. These are very real and serious concerns for a very real and serious adult like myself. And that's what I am now...an adult. So the Sack is back, but coming at you from a new, more mature perspective...which is why I am composing this post on my father's computer.

NBA Free Agent Recap
As many of you may have heard there was recently a free agency period in the NBA, and I am all too anxious to share my thoughts. At first I was going to call a one-hour ESPN special, refer to myself strictly in the 3rd person, and announce "Next year I'm going to take my talents to South Beach," as if I was a gay porn star moving from West Hollywood to the greener pastures of South Florida (that's what LeBron did right? check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSyRhlGae-M). However, I don't think I command that kind of attention...so this post is the best I can do.

Biggest Winner: Chris Bosh. In my opinion there is no doubt about this one. Throughout his career he's been a productive career 20-10 guy, who the media somehow elevated into the D-Wade/LeBron James free agent strasphere to form the so-called "big 3." Forget about the fact that the Raptors were 256-320 during Bosh's 7 years with the club (not including their 3-8 record in the playoffs with 2 first round exits). Forget that his greatest career basketball accomplishment was being the 10th man on the 2008 Olympic team, where he was a glorified screen setter and garbage rebounder (although he did fill that role very well, which makes me think he may be able to do the same for the Heat). Even forget that almost no one in the US has seen him play since his freshman year at Georgia Tech or that he is the only NBA "star" who was less famous in his own market then every member of the NHL squad's backup penalty killing line. In spite of all this Chris Bosh has now accomplished his one true goal...becoming mildly famous. He's mentioned on every addition of Sportscenter. He has attracted some followers on twitter by asking them where he should've signed (although I doubt Miami was their pick). He even made an Entourage cameo where he spoke between 3-9 words. And now he is going to play in South Beach with D-Wade and LBJ to form the "big 3". So even if he was only the Heat's 3rd biggest free agent pick up (well maybe 5th or even 6th...clearly behind LeBron and D-Wade, while Udonis Haslem, Big Z and Mike Miller are giving him a good run for his money), the average American might now recognize him walking down the street. Congrats Chris you've done every overrated, over paid and undersized NBA post player proud (and Amare Stoudemire can't be too happy about that). Now go out and get 16 and 8 while playing limited defense because you already got the American dream locked up...at least for now.

2nd Biggest Winner: The City of Miami. The greatest fans in the world deserve to watch this collection of NBA stars...too bad they all signed in Miami. The Miami Dolphins ranked 19th in NFL attendance this past season, but hey that's not bad for a franchise with their limited historical success. Miami's NHL team, the Panthers, finished an awful 25th in NHL attendance, but that may be excuseable (maybe people in South Florida really are just afraid of ice). However, topping the pathetic Panthers following and taking the cake for the least cared about professional sports team in the Sunshine state (and possible the world) is the Marlins rank 29th in MLB attendance at this point in the season (ironically beating only the Cleveland Indians). And how about the Heat, the new bell of the ball down there by the Beach? Well their 15th ranking in 2010 NBA attendance is kind of a respectful showing at least when compared to the other franchises in their market (although they were one spot behind the Toronto Raptors. Is it bad when your MLB and NBA franchises draw less fans then their Canadien competition?). So yeah I am really glad for the fans in Miami...maybe with all this star power they can actually take time out of their busy lives, hit pause on the rave music, put down the cocaine and leave the club for a couple of hours. Then maybe the mighty Heat will finish in the top 3rd of NBA attendance for a year or two until everyone's ego explodes and the trade demands start to fly.

Biggest Loser: Cleveland, OH. Once again this is a no brainer. 45 years of torture with no end in sight. You have endured the Drive, the shot, the fumble, the arm of Jose Mesa, even the knees of Brad Daugherty. Art Modell took your Browns away, and has brought the Lombardi trophy to their new home in Baltimore. Even the fictional Major League movie series ended before the Indians could bring the world series to Cleveland...guess the movies had to stay somewhat realistic. And now you have suffered the most disappointing moment in the history of Cleveland sports...The Decision. Your native son shunned you to take less money and less responsibility in a more glamorous city...and you had to find out on national television like the rest of the entire world (by the way has there ever been a more boring hour of TV then hearing LeBron answer one question? The whole thing should've lasted two minutes. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd did it right on the ESPY's...check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygt6QifkPss). The greatest Cavalier in history (with all due respect to Austin Carr and Mark Price...man the Cavs have a sad past) skipped town taking with him the heart of an entire region and leaving every sports fan in Cleveland thinking...why us?

What is so bad about Cleveland anyway? I visited once during the summer before my senior year in high school, and had a nice time. There is a gorgeous lake and a revitalized downtown, not to mention both the Football and Rock and Roll Halls of Fame are in the the area. Yet every professional athlete seems to hate it. First Joakim Noah blasted the city during the Bulls/Cavs playoff series (maybe because people in Cleveland aren't proud that he's the ugliest man in the NBA unlike their Chicago counterparts). Then Chris Bosh a man who played in a Canadian city (where he was paid with fake money) was forced to pay income taxes to two seperate countries, and lived in the shadow of NHL draft picks and olympic curlers, still refused to go and live on the shores of Lake Earie. I don't get it...Kevin Durant (about 45 times better then Chris Bosh) will gladly live in Oklahoma City for the next 6 years, but Bosh refuses to live in Cleveland, make $22 million a year and play with LeBron on a team that won 128 games the past two seasons? Something is wrong with the world...and sorry Cleveland, but you seem to suffer more because of it then any other city in North America, maybe even the entire planet. Yeah...the pain must be that bad right now. Drew Carey once told me that Cleveland rocked and I believed him...but it seems no one currently playing in the NBA did.

2nd Biggest Loser: Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Man he sure is angry for a guy worth $1.1 billion. As many of you know his bitter letter written after LeBron's departure has caused quite a media stir and a good deal of black lash towards Mr. Gilbert, and I honestly feel bad for the guy. For a billionaire he has caught his fair share of bad luck. First he became rich by inventing Quicken, the computer software that helps people file their taxes. Could there be a worse way to become a billionaire? I mean imagine trying to pick up chicks in a bar by telling them you're a billionaire from inventing Quicken? They'll laugh you outta the place. Believe me...I'd know. I've told my fair share of lies in order to seduce the ladies, and not one single stripper has ever believed that my dad started Yahoo or Flowers.com. So Danny I feel your pain.

But seriously Mr. Gilbert is a loser on several fronts. First LeBron James, his most valued asset, left town. Since Dan bought the Cavaliers their value has increased by more than $100 million...and that is not because of Zydrunas Ilgauskas bringing fans in from the Serbian market. So, he's losing money. Then, he got caught writing an incredibly mean and insensitive (yet very accurate) letter about LBJ, most likely when he was drinking away his pain on Thursday night. I mean if anyone understands what Mel Gibson is going through, it's Dan Gilbert (check Mel's call out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTy9BlO-K4Q). Was there anything wrong with what Dan Gilbert wrote? I don't think so, but it certainly didn't need to be said publicly. Gilbert's letter reminds me of something that happened to me this weekend, when I walked into the bathroom of a local bar. As I was urinating the guy in the stall next to me turned and said, "Hey...it smells like piss in here." I thought to myself (as any reasonable person would) "No shit...maybe that's because your are standing over a god damn toilet. Not to mention, there is an open drain right below your nostrals that has been pissed in hundreds of times this very day. Of course it smells like piss in the bathroom Einstein." That comment is a lot like Dan Gilbert's letter in my opinion. Bascially all that letter said was "hey LeBron...you really f'ed me over here and treated our fans like crap." That's clearly true, but it's so obvious that it didn't need to be said, especially not publicly by the billionaire owner of the Cavs. Now Dan Gilbert looks like a moron, just like that retard who told me the urinal smelled like urine. Concidentially I think alcohol played a serious role in both the bathroom/piss-smell incident and Gilbert's letter (not to mention Mel Gibson's phone call), but that's neither here nor there. Not every thing you think needs to be said...and that is something you would've thought Dan Gilbert has learned by now. Plus Jesse Jackson is calling him a slave owner, and Jesse has never exaggerated about anything...so Danny has really got it tough.

Most Random Aspect of the Whole Process: Location of LeBron's Announcement. Why in the world would LeBron announce his decision from the Boys and Girls Club in Greenwich, Connecticut? I mean I understand why the Boys and Girls Club played a role. ESPN let LeBron sell the advertising rights to his special, and he needed to use a charity as cover so he could say "hey it's OK that I went on national TV and acted like a self-absorbed piece of crap, because it was all for charity." I like that line of thinking. Charity really can get you out of a lot of trouble I guess. I mean say for instance you get caught cheating on your wife...just say you were making a sex tape that you will then sell, donating the proceeds to charity. Could she really get mad at you? Not unless she wants to be selfish. So I guess we are all being selfish in our new found contempt for LeBron...at least by that logic.

Anyways while I understand the charity/cover my ass angle, I don't understand why the town of Greenwich, Connecticut was chosen. I mean obviously the King wasn't going to announce his decision in Ohio once he decided to skip town...he clearly doesn't have the cahones for that. But Greenwich? First of all LeBron has absolutely zero connection to Greenwich, at least that I know of. Second, Greenwich may be the richest town in America. As of 2007 the median income for a household was $117,857 ($168,779 for a family). Now there has been a recession since then, but wikipedia doesn't mention it changing anything about Greenwich income levels, so those numbers are the real deal in my opinion. Anyways that's a lot of bank. Why does Greenwich even need a Boys and Girls Club? I mean who in Greenwich would even go to one? There aren't a whole lot of underpriviledge youths running around town. The poorest kid in the room with LeBron still had a dad who made 6 figures as an analyst at JP Morgan or a manager of some hedge fund (what is a hedge fund? I don't really know...but people work for them). I mean maybe they cut back on their christmas bonuses a little bit up in Greenwich, but it's still not the place I would pick if I want people to think about my charitable actions. Give me a break Bron-Bron that wasn't a Boys and Girls Club it was a polo club and spa...you weren't fooling anyone. Next time just pick Compton or East St. Louis, so that the average viewer will be like "dang these kids really do need the money he is contributing." Maybe that will help you score some PR points.

Big Ups and Text Update
First I would like to extend another special big ups to everyone who has come back to reading the blog. I know the post was long, and pretty specific, which makes it different from what I wrote in the past. I'll be writing more and plenty of what I write won't seem like a bad Bill Simmons article (like this one) and will instead be the old school, laugh-your-dick off stories about me getting hammered and not moving forward with my life. I would also like to extend a big up to Charlie Schlafly, who executed his role as editor-in-chief perfectly by proof reading the post. I would also like to thank Joe Davis for reading over the post as well. Finally I would like to extend a melancohly big ups to George Steinbrenner and the Steinbrenner family. George "the boss" Steinbrenner passed away yesterday at the age of 80. I am no Yankees fan, but any sport's fan of any kind has to acknowledge all that he has down for the sport of Baseball, the Yankees franchise, and the fans of New York. Plus Larry David's impersonation of him in Seinfeld is one of the greatest comedic characterizations in TV history. Here is a taste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJRNASYFYsY

Finally if any of you remember the text messaging game I created, then that's pretty cool. But I obviously have no way to give you an updated score from the past 10 months or so. All I know is I have 1300 messages in my inbox since April 30, and I have only sent 19 (my sent box can only hold 20 messages before it starts deleting them). So obviously I have good a score brewing.

Thanks again for any readers/support I have left

In Hoc,
Sachary L. Poelker
"The Sack Artist: Jack of All Trades"